On the one hand, it was so simple. There was a new baby, Isabelle Eva, and there was nothing to do except love her. That was the one hand. The other hand, belonging to her parents, held all the cards. I soon learned that I could love my granddaughter fiercely, but I had no say – in anything. She was mine, but not mine. Although this is perfectly natural and should not have shocked me, it did. (Okay, I admit that on occasion the word bossy has been used to describe my behavior. Still.)

For many parents used to being in charge, deferring to the rules and wishes of our adult children and their partners is humbling. Here are a few guidelines that – so far – have kept me out of hot water.

1. Seal your lips.

Even if you're an expert who has written 13 bestsellers on parenthood, your adult sons and daughters will assume you know nothing about childrearing. Your advice and opinions will not be welcome, unless directly solicited. (Even then, it's iffy as to whether the new parents really want to hear your answer.) Tread lightly. As Anne Roiphe laments in Eye of My Heart, "Ah, my poor tongue is sore from being bitten."

2. Love thy grandchild as thine own – but he or she is not thine own.

I was confused about this in the beginning. I was at the hospital when Isabelle was born and I thought we were all one big happy family. Not. I had to win over her parents. They loved me – I knew that – but did they trust me? In the early days I felt as if I were auditioning for the part of grandparent. Did I hold Isabelle properly? Didn't I know that you never put a newborn down on her stomach? It took me a few blunders to secure their trust – which must be renewed every so often, like a driver's license.

3. Abide by the rules of the new parents.

The dos and don'ts of childrearing change with every generation. If I had listened to my mother, I would have held my son only while feeding him (every four hours) – and not one second longer, lest he turn into a "mama's boy." These days, with the crush of childrearing information online, most new parents are up to speed – but we grandparents most definitely are not. Baby slings? The Mutsy Slider Stroller? Who knows what these things are, or how to operate them?

4. Accept your role.

If you're the mother of the new father, you may not have the same access to your grandchild as the maternal grandmother. In most families, new mothers are the primary caretakers of babies, leaning on their own mothers for support. All grandparents – whether on the maternal or paternal side – are at risk of being shut out if they fail to observe any of these commandments. Try to think of yourself as a relief pitcher in a baseball game: You're on the bench until your adult children call you up – and then you must do as they say if you want to stay in the game. (We've already covered this, but I think it's key.)

5. Don't be surprised if old issues get triggered.

For many people, feelings of competition with their grandchild's other grandparents provoke traumatic flashbacks to junior high school. This is especially true now, given the proliferation of divorce and stepfamilies. Not only that, some grandparents are able to lavish the kids with expensive gifts, while others live much closer to the children than their counterparts. Still, the heart is a generous muscle capable of loving many people at once, and most of us are able to get past the initial rush of jealousy to find our special role.

6. Get a life.

Sometimes I've become overly embroiled in my concern for my son and his family; at other times my desire to be an integral part of their lives has taken precedence over things I needed to do to maintain my own sense of well-being – and I've paid the price. Hence, my mantra: "I have my life, they have theirs." We are close and connected, yet separate. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

7. Let go of expectations.

When Isabelle Eva was two months old her parents moved her overseas. Not only was I heartbroken, my expectations about my involvement in her life were turned upside down. Yet, once I was able to let go of my agenda I found that I still felt deeply connected to Isabelle and vice-versa. Now my husband and I visit her as often as we can and, in between visits, we Skype and talk on the phone. There are bound
to be unpredictable plot
twists in every family
narrative, but, unless
you are raising your
grandchildren, your
adult children are
writing their own
story. Who knew that
grandparenthood
would offer so many
new opportunities for
personal growth?

Ultimately, the good news about becoming a grandparent, and not being in charge anymore, is that nothing is your fault, either. As Roxana Robinson writes in Eye of My Heart, "It's like being told you no longer have to eat vegetables, only dessert – and really only the icing."

Barbara Graham is the editor of Eye of My Heart (Harper, 2009), and a regular columnist for Grandparents.com.
Click here to see more of her columns.

Give your grandbaby a variety of tactile experiences to encourage healthy brain development.

The sense of touch is the first sense babies develop while in the womb. Studies show infants who are stroked, rather than poked or tickled, will make
more eye contact, smile more, and cry less.
Newborns can also tell the difference
between different textures and objects
of different weight.

When babies start on solid foods, they are accepting of new tastes. Broaden their taste horizons while you can: Studies show they become more resistant to new flavors after the first year.

Newborns have already
had a wide variety of
taste experiences
before they even leave
the womb. Infants are
born already having
developed preferences
for one taste they like
– sweet. Surprise!

Recently, scientists found that aromatherapy is effective with newborns. See if a little lavender scent will help your fussy grandbaby relax.

The ability of babies to distinguish odors is similar to that of adults. In studies, newborn infants responded positively to fruit odors and with disgust to the smells of rotten fish and rotten eggs.

Baby talk does not delay speech development, according to experts. Feel free to goo goo and ga ga away!

Scientists once believed that the hearing and processing of language started at around one year. We now know newborn infants respond to happy speech patterns from speakers of their native language (the one they heard most from the mother – while they were in the womb).

Lean in close to get the attention of your new grandbaby. In the first weeks after birth, infants see best at a distance of 8 to 14 inches.

This is your grandbaby's least-developed sense at birth. Infants won't have adult visual acuity until they reach at least six months. Studies show that, from the outset, babies have a tremendous preference for looking at human faces over looking at objects.

More fun baby facts

New research shows that babies can cry
silently while still in the womb, as early
as the 28th week of pregnancy.

A newborn baby's heart beats
between 100 and 160 times a
minute (about twice that of an
average adult).

Sources

The Importance of the Senses for Infants, Focus on Infants and Toddlers, Fall 2003, Vol. 16., Cindy McGaha, Associate Professor of Child Development at Appalachian State University, Boone, N.C.

"The Importance of Touch," parentsinapinch.com.

"The Senses and Your 1- to 3-Month-Old," kidshealth.org.

Introduction to Infant Development, Alan Slater and Michael Lewis.

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What are the signs of postpartum depression?

Why do so many kids have food allergies these days?

Senior Editor
Georgia Witkin, Ph.D., takes a look at the issues that grandparents are talking about today