Gail Saltz Q&A: "I'm Recently Divorced. How Do I Bring Up My Sexual Past in a New Relationship?"
Gail Saltz, M.D. answers your most important questions about relationships and sex.
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Reader Question: ”I'm 54 and just divorced my husband of 33 years - the only man I've ever slept with. How do I bring this up in a new relationship?”
Gail says: In today’s day and age of hook ups and infidelities I think that many men would find your situation to be refreshingly appealing.
Many women, who have been married for decades, out of the dating scene and suddenly back in, are nervous about the idea of being sexual with a new partner. But don’t let your anxiety spill over into embarrassment. Let me also add, that experience isn’t everything. It only makes a difference if it is good experience at communicating your wants and needs and listening to those of your partner.
Generally for women no matter your age, getting sexually involved with a man, means feeling invested in the relationship and vulnerable. This is reason enough to wait a bit to see how you feel about the man before you consider having sex. So you probably won’t even tell him about your sexual past until you know him better and feel closer emotionally. Once you do know him more, it will likely feel natural to talk about sex before you have it, and in this context, bringing up that you have been a one-man woman will likely feel fine. If in this next stage of life you want monogamy, it’s a good time to say so and if you don’t want monogamy, it’s a good time to say that too.
I don't think you need to give a lot of particulars about your sexual past, nor does he, but I do think some sort of communication about what you are both looking for and intentions regarding monogamy are important to avoid being taken off guard and very hurt. It is also, from a practical standpoint, very important to protect yourself from STD’s which have actually doubled over the past 10 years in the boomer age group.
Have a question for Gail? Email us at expertadvice@grandparents.com
Psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, columnist, bestselling author, and television commentator Gail Saltz, M.D., has been called "a voice of wisdom and insight in a world of confusion and contradictions" by Tom Brokaw. Dr. Saltz is a regular health, sex, and relationship contributor to the Today show.
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Dear Ms Gail: I am a 66 year old grandfather, (13 grandchildren, 1 great granddaughter) who lost my wife of 33 years over a year ago. I have met a wonderful Lady 10 years my junior who met on a "blind date" set up by a mutual friend. We hit it off from that very first date. She is devorced and had a "sour" approach to another relationship, however, our love grows stronger and stronger and believi this or not, our only discord concerns food....yes, food. We both know what true love us and we have found it in each other. We openly discuss our feelings on planning things and the strange part is that we always agree on everything. The reason I am sending you this comment is that I know from my personal experience that communication is everything in a realtionship. My Fiance and I agreed early on that we would openly discuss everything and no decisions would be made without mutual consent. There is a lot more I could reveal about our "once in a lifetime relationship or romance" but then I could write a book. We are both living Christians and place our faith right in the middle of our relationship because we both feel that He was the one who brought us together utilizing our mutual friend. We have not been intimate with each other as we both believe in waiting until after we are married (we both believe in saving some greatness for after our wedding). But, the reason for this comment is that my Fiance and I agree with you on communication. First is God, second is communication and third is trust. There are more things I could list, but for my Fiance and me, those three items are the most important ones, but if we had to pick out the most important one of the three, we would agree on communication...communication with God, and communication revealing trust. You may not believe this, but I have written close to 45 pieces of prose and poetry to my Fiance and I have never done anything like it before in my life. We both have other committments to take care of before we wish to get married, but we both feel that this is what our creator wanted a loving relationship to be. Time permitting, I would like to write a book about our life but I like to call it "Our Miracle of Miracles" because that is what it is to both of us. Keep up the good work and make certain that you keep emphasizing communication. By the way, neither I nor my Fiance are "normal" in that we both have a weight problem, but our love for each other looks past that. I haven't had intimate relations in about 15 years and my Fiance around 12 years, yet neither one of us are worrying about our looks, or any other item that could ruin our relationship. Just holding hands sends chills up our backs, so we have not worries about anything more intimate. We both laugh and keep telling each other that our relationship seems to good to be true, but it is. God bless you for your good work and advice. Marilyn and Ken
How marvelous to have this advice section on the home page! But speaking of divorce, if you were a member of "All Single golden girls and guys wanted" on the old GP.com and you're trying to find it here, it's in the Community section (see the very top of this page), under Love and Relationships. Posts from the last few weeks b4 the relaunch are missing, for now, as in all the groups. But GP.com is working on restoring them and that's no reason, IMO, you can't go in and start talking to fellow-members now.... Looking for any other groups from the old site? Please remember that only 11 were brought over here from there. Besides the Singles group, that includes, in random order, MIL Anonymous, Grandparents Caring for Grandkids, Empty Nest No Longer, Grandparenting from Afar, Grandparents without Grandchildren, Grandparents' Visitation Rights, Grandparents Unplugged, New Grandparents, General Gabbery and Grandma's Pantry.