When Melody Brooke, 57, of Richardson, Texas, divorced her husband 30 years ago, she didn’t just lose her spouse, she also lost her best friend: her mother-in-law. "She stopped calling and stopped talking to me," she says. "She stopped supporting me in any way."
The sudden absence of her mother-in-law wasn’t exactly a surprise since the divorce had been Brooke's idea. Even then, Brooke, who is also a family therapist, understood how hard it must have been for her mother-in-law to stay close to her when her loyalties were with her son. "It’s really hard to make that shift especially when you need to be there for your child," she says. "I understood it, but it still hurt." Over time, Brooke and former mother-in-law became friendly again, but were never as close as they were.
Divorce isn’t easy on anyone in the family, and grandparents are no exception. The hurt feelings, sadness and anger that erupt can threaten—and potentially destroy—even the most harmonious and loving family relationships.
Put Hurt Feelings Aside After the Breakup
But staying in touch is important, not just because you cherish your former daughter- or son-in-law, but because you need to be there for the grandchildren. "The most important factor is your grandchildren," says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. "Even though your son or daughter is divorced from the other parent, they will still always be connected through the children, and your connection is important, too."
That connection may become especially important if your child or former in-law gets remarried, and circumstances change. "You’ll want to maintain the connection with the kids because they’ll need someone safe in their lives," Brooke says. "But in order to maintain that connection, you need to keep connected to their parents."
Extend Your Friendship for the Grandkids
Keeping the relationship friendly with a former son- or daughter-in-law may not be easy. "He or she may not trust you and may be projecting hurt or anger onto you," Brooke says. "Often, ex-spouses have the sense that the former in-laws are no longer in their corner, and that prevents them from feeling safe enough to ask for help or support."
That’s why the onus may fall on the grandparent to reach out. Here’s how you can create a more harmonious relationship:
"And if you can find other grandparents who have succeeded in overcoming their children’s divorce and stayed in touch with the former in-law and the grandchildren, find out how they did it."
How well do you get along with your grandchild and other family members? Want to know if your personalities mesh?Find out here.