7 Unbreakable Laws of Grandparenting

Our columnist shares the family rules that can keep you out of trouble.

By Barbara Graham

On the one hand, it was so simple. There was a new baby, Isabelle Eva, and there was nothing to do except love her. That was the one hand. The other hand, belonging to her parents, held all the cards. I soon learned that I could love my granddaughter fiercely, but I had no say — in anything. She was mine, but not mine. Although this is perfectly natural and should not have shocked me, it did. (Okay, I admit that on occasion the word bossy has been used to describe my behavior. Still.) For many parents used to being in charge, deferring to the rules and wishes of our adult children and their partners is humbling. I ended up editing a book on the subject  to help me get a handle on my new role. Here are a few guidelines that — so far — have kept me out of hot water.

1. Seal your lips. Even if you’re an expert who has written 13 bestsellers on parenthood, your adult sons and daughters will assume you know nothing about childrearing. Your advice and opinions will not be welcome, unless directly solicited. (Even then, it’s iffy as to whether the new parents really want to hear your answer.) Tread lightly. As Anne Roiphe laments in Eye of My Heart, "Ah, my poor tongue is sore from being bitten."

2. You may love thy grandchild as thine own — but never forget that he or she is not thine own. I was confused about this in the beginning. I was at the hospital when Isabelle was born and I thought we were all one big happy family. Not. I had to win over her parents. They loved me — I knew that — but did they trust me? In the early days I felt as if I were auditioning for the part of grandparent. Did I hold Isabelle properly? Didn’t I know that you never put a newborn down on her stomach? It took me a few blunders to secure their trust — which must be renewed every so often, like a driver’s license.

3. Abide by the rules of the new parents. The dos and don'ts of childrearing change with every generation. If I had listened to my mother, I would have held my son only while feeding him (every four hours) — and not one second longer, lest he turn into a “mama’s boy." These days, with the crush of childrearing information online, most new parents are up to speed — and beyond — but we grandparents most definitely are not. Baby slings? The Mutsy Slider Stroller? Who knows what these things are, or how to operate them?

4. Accept your role. If you’re the mother of the new father, you may not have the same access to your grandchild as the maternal grandmother, at least in the beginning. In most families, new mothers are the primary caretakers of babies and they tend to lean on their mothers for support. This is not a problem — unless you think it is. Your grandchild will love you too. Anyhow, all grandparents — whether on the maternal or paternal side — are at risk of being shut out if they fail to observe any of these commandments. Try to think of yourself as a relief pitcher in a baseball game: You're on the bench until your adult children call you up — and then you must do as they say if you want to stay in the game. (We've already covered this, but I think it's key.)

5. Don’t be surprised if old issues get triggered when your child has a child. For many people, feelings of competition with their grandchild's other grandparents provoke traumatic flashbacks to junior high school. This is especially true now, given the proliferation of divorce and stepfamilies. Not only that, some grandparents are able to lavish the kids with expensive gifts, while others live much closer to the children than their counterparts. Still, a little goodwill goes a long way. The heart is a generous muscle capable of loving many people at once, and most of us are able to get past the initial rush of jealousy to find our special place in the new order. (Yes, of course we still secretly hope that our grandchildren will love us more than those other people. We are, after all, human.)

6. Get a life. Sometimes I’ve become overly embroiled in my concern for my son and his family; at other times my desire to be an integral part of their lives has taken precedence over things I needed to do to maintain my own sense of well-being — and I’ve paid the price. Hence, my mantra: “I have my life, they have theirs.” We are close and connected, yet separate. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

7. Let go of all expectations. When Isabelle Eva was born she was living around the corner from us, but when she was two months old her parents moved her overseas. Not only was I heartbroken, my expectations about my involvement in her life were turned upside down. Yet, once I was able to let go of my agenda — which took some doing — I found that I still felt deeply connected to Isabelle and vice-versa. Now my husband and I visit her as often as we can and, in between visits, we Skype and talk on the phone. There are bound to be unpredictable plot twists in every family narrative, but, unless you are raising your grandchildren, your adult children are writing their own story. (See No. 4: Relief pitcher, on the bench.) Who knew that grandparenthood would offer so many new opportunities for personal growth?

Ultimately, the good news about becoming a grandparent, and not being in charge anymore, is that nothing is your fault, either. As Roxana Robinson writes in Eye of My Heart, "It's like being told you no longer have to eat vegetables, only dessert — and really only the icing."

Barbara Graham, a Grandparents.com columnist, is the editor of the anthology, Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother (Harper), which tells "the whole crazy, complicated truth about being a grandmother in today's world."

Comments

@iluvalmonds - it's very hard to see your baby grown up n having kids but if u picture that n can see how u will feel. I have to say I may have had your answer 24yrs ago, I always pictured being a gma the way my mom was-- very hands on. There is a saying peoe always say when u have baby's "cherish them it goes so fast" well it does but when ur told that ur baby may be going through a the teething phase n u say oh I can't wait to get paste this teething stage, then u hear it n they r going through terrible 2's n u say oh I can't wait until they r out of this phase believe me I'm a mom of 5, there is always a phase u r always trying to get through! N when your child goes off to college, gets married your next look forward moment is oh I can't wait to be grandma- to mother is our nature!! So right now u r looking at you Mil as your husbands mom n believe me when u can't get them to be adults having there mom around doesn't help!! But at the same time u r lucky to have someone wanting to be a active part! To many people treat kids as possessions n don't look at what they can learn from being around all family members. My kids step mom n I use to get jealous of each other, I was the mom she was the step n visa versa type thing. But they have 2 kids n I take them as my own it insured the time with their siblings n just because I'm not their mom I see me in them n she even says wow u taught that n loves that I want to be apart of their lives!! It's so hard to see the other side until u r there but one day u may be in your Mil shoes.. Good luck with your family n enjoy that baby it really goes fast!!

tammon71@yahoo.com on 2013-07-15 10:01:49

@gramma4u- sometimes r grandbaby does this to. They have emotions they don't know how to communicate yet. She may be acting out if she wanted to stay at gma's maybe u have more structure to the day then your daughter. I know for young moms now days everyday schedules r very hectic n no 2 days r the same at home where at gmas she knows what to expect. There r so many other things like that it can be . I hope your daughter doesn't use the no gma tactic because if the case is the baby is feeling this way then that's just going to add to it n even very young babies can see when mom is upset. Is mom working that she feels u get more time with baby then she does that there is some jealousy that she is wishing she could spend more time with her baby. Or has your relationship changed since baby was born. Maybe she misses her mom n her time. Just some things maybe u can talk to her about. Good luck!!

tammon71@yahoo.com on 2013-07-15 09:32:37

In my family grandparents play a very active role, friends n family that ask why do u have the grand-baby so much don't understand this isn't something new. My mom had my kids as often as she wanted n could handle n if anything else we were so close we were both with my kids. As daddy was a marine. I love playing a very active role, but it is true that he isn't my baby n what mom n dad say goes!! I'm very lucky my DIL n I get along so great!! We always talk about things n then after giving advice or we discuss say naps, I always always say "your mom n it's your choice" it was hard at first as with anything once we make mistakes we want our kids to learn from our mistakes but life just doesn't happen that way they have to learn on their own. N maybe what worked for me won't for them!! A recent visit to hospital I wanted to stay, as I was the one who took him to ER (mom n dad where at work) but I also was afraid I was over stepping n in the way. It was when my DIL got a nap for a few hours n woke up n smiled that I realized I was wanted there! Then the doctor came in to talk to us n she expressed how much I have him n looked to me to help her with questions n answers for doctor. Then he expression of gratitude came! I was so overjoyed inside I wanted to bust out in dance!! When I had all boys I felt I would never get the chance to bond! Since he was born I can count on one hand how many times I have said no I can't take him n that is basically because of health not because I don't want him. N when I don't see him for a few days (which doesn't happen to often) but when it does all I have to do is call n they r more then glad to have a break to clean, nap, have time for each other, go to store. Whatever they need or want!! I found that sometimes I would complain after having him to long (again because of health) but soon as he was gone I felt guilt that I was complaining!! It's never that I don't want him, but I love the gma role n I know he misses his mommy n daddy at a certain point!! Not even gma can take mommy's spot!! Which I'm glad for! So every grandparents role is different some more hands on some r not able to. I think it also depends how many u have n spreading the love!! Right now I have one but as my other boys start having families then it will get tricker. I also say to the mommy n daddy I do t always just want my grandbaby to be dropped n u run!! I want to see my baby to!! I love my time with my adult children n DIL we have a great relationship n the fact that she gives me so much time with her precious gem is testimate to our relationship!

tammon71@yahoo.com on 2013-07-15 09:20:51

What I would give to be a grandparent is big! I'm 50 yrs old with a long wait. However, I am willing to wait because my daughter is only 19 yrs old and not ready and she's my only chance. I probably wouldn't have been very good in the role of paternal grandmother but I won't ever have a chance to know. Five years and seven months ago my son passed away. He was 2 mths shy of his 22nd birthday. Please cherish your new role and sit on that bench until you're needed. You might also tell your dil and son; this is all new to me too and I don't want to overstep my boundaries so let me know if I do. Also tell them you would love to be as Involved as they will let you. With that being said, I have always (since before I had kids) felt grandparents shouldn't be ask to be the primary caregiver while parents work fulltime. JUST being grandparents works both ways. Until I get to be grandma, I'll prepare for the role! Enjoy yours!

leesamoran.moran@gmail.com on 2013-04-24 19:48:00

Compatibility Horoscope

How well do you get along with your grandchild and other family members? Want to know if your personalities mesh?

Find out here.