Susan Hoffman Q&A: "How Do I Mend Fences, So I Can See My Grandchild?"
Grandparents' rights expert Susan Hoffman answers your pressing questions about family relationships.
Reader Question:
Over the summer, my son and I got into a fight when I said it was a bad idea for their 14-month-old to be drinking pop. We haven’t spoken since, and I haven’t seen my granddaughter, either. I miss her more than anything. What do I do? How do I mend fences and get back in contact with them? I’m willing to admit I was wrong, if that helps.
Susan says: Well-meaning grandparents often step over parental boundaries without realizing it. While it may seem perfectly logical to give advice to our own children, they don’t usually see it that way, especially when it comes to child rearing. Parents have what is known as parental authority, i.e. the right to raise a child as they see fit, and grandparents must learn as quickly as possible to respect that right. When it comes to giving advice, solicited or otherwise, don’t do it.
Open communication could have prevented the problem from escalating, but instead the parents chose to get rid of the person rather than the problem. Sadly this is often the case.
Keep in mind that your granddaughter misses you just as much as you miss her, and that you will do whatever is necessary to mend that fence. Expectations can often get the best of us so If you don’t receive the response that you want don’t give up.
Admitting that you are wrong will definitely help; you made a mistake and are willing to assume responsibility for it. I suggest sending a letter reflecting your feelings of remorse with an offer to make amends and a promise to do better. Remember to be specific about the behaviors that created the alienation, otherwise it becomes an empty apology. Adding a “peace” offering, such as a Starbucks gift card or something you know that they enjoy can’t hurt.
Have a question for Susan Hoffman? Email us at expertadvice@grandparents.com.
Susan Hoffman is the creator and director of Advocates for Grandparent-Grandchild Connection, a charitable non-profit 501©(3) organization, the purpose of which is to provide resources to families, specifically grandparents, experiencing visitation issues with grandchildren. She is also the author of Grand Wishes: Advocating To Preserve The Grandparent-Grandchild Bond and A Precious Bond: How To Preserve The Grandparent-Grandchild Relationship, as well as the documentary filmmaker behind A Precious Bond. She sponsored a bill in California on behalf of grandparent rights that became law in 2007, and currently lives in Newport Beach, California.
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Comments
daughter was married and they were involved with CPS several times in Arizona. She filed for sole custody because father was being abusive to children and neglect. Before going to court she was arrested again and was already on probation and went to prison. I filed against her wishes for guardianship for the children and was awarded through Arizona. She would preferred the children to go to foster care. The children have been in my life since they were born. Her and her husband lived with me until they started on drugs again 2003.She went to prison in 2007 and as promised I took the children to visit at Perryville every other weekend. When she got out she moved in with me and the children. After a couple flings in the two and half months she hooked up with a ex drug user from her past. Eight months later she is pregnant. She said she wanted to move so we all moved to Colorado. After getting there for six months she wanted custody of the children even thought she still was not acting like a mom. She stated she could not be Mom as long as I was there.
So the children and I got apartment less than quarter mile from her and her new husband. They have never been honest with his parents about anything and this caused a lot of problems. Her new mother in-law is very controlling but does it through her husband. Daughter has never on her own supported her children it's always been up to someone else. They took me to court and the judge was only concerned that her new husband had a job and could support them. She has never got any counseling in prison or after. The court gave me visitation since the children and I had a awesome relationship. In fact it's the most drama free time of their life. They are not 10-11. She has always been in violation of the court order from Arizona. The new mother now has convinced them to move back to Arizona because she has another baby and this is her first grandchild. My daughter now does not let me see the grandchildren that I protected for her until she got out of prison. She bad mouths me on face book and to anyone who will listen. He new husband and his family made it to bad for his first wife that she killed herself according to the ex's mother. They do things like let the children believe that I hate them. The have my grandchildren so confused poor granddaughter is so angry. They blocked my number from grandsons phone which I pay for. Mothers day granddaughter invited me over on Saturday I did not go because I felt a adult should be the one to invite me I explained that to my granddaughter and she is mad she is taking it as I did not want to see her. Truth is unless I had proof I was invited by adult don't trust them they would not call police. This is what they do to make children feel bad. This is not the same granddaughter I knew three months ago. They threaten to send her back to live with her real father who abused her and she is very afraid of. They whole problem in all of this is her new husbands mother. He is the golden child and what ever he wants he gets as long as he makes mommy happy. Don't know why daughter is so hateful to me though she is very jealous of the relationship that the children and I had I have tried to explain that was normal. She hates me but no surprise they only time she came around since she was 21 is to babysit so she could go party. They know I can't afford to move I am senior and already lost my home in Arizona and have limited income. I believe this was all planned from the start to get me out of the children's life's. His family does not want any of my daughter to have a relationship with her family. They try to do the same with their other son but he is independent and does not play their game so as far as they our concerned he's out. They bad his wife and honestly I have been to their home and meet his wife and she is very nice. It's sad that the other son knows his own mother shows that she cares about other son better.
MamatoMM- your comment speaks for itself. Personalities and how the adults involved in a situation agree or disagree should not be grounds to cut off a Grandchild's relationship with a loving Grand Parent. Incredibly, in this instance the GrandMother is correct, and it is still used as ammunition to add to the tally list against her. A good relationship takes effort on both sides, not making a GrandParent play "catch up" for all past grudges held against them right or wrong. It seems the confidence level of these parents is in question because they don't want to hear anything other than their own decisions. Rather than discard ideas or suggestions, they discard their own parents.
Grandparents need to stand together and fight for their rights to protect their grandchildren. There is little information out there to really help and most doors get closed when you say your the grandparent. What is important is the children but they are not even asked because of their age. Today most kids are forced to be older that they really are. There has to be something that we as grandparents can do in really bad situations because the kids are who suffer.
I don't have any other options