5 Biggest Mother-in-Law Mistakes
What your daughter-in-law really wishes you wouldn’t do—and advice to make both of you happy.
By Andrea Atkins
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What Your Daughter-in-Law Has to Say
No one knows better than a mother-in-law that the relationship between her and her daughter-in-law can be prone to hurt feelings and power struggles.And while mothers-in-law have gripes of our own, we at Grandparents.com did some research to find out exactly what upsets daughters-in-law the most. We figure that knowing the problem can help you fix it. Take a few deep breaths then take a look. Reading these could be the key to solving a bumpy relationship. -
Mistake #1: You Stop By Unannounced
By far, this complaint is the most universal, says Terry Orbuch, Ph.D., a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan who has been the lead researcher on a National Institutes of Health study of marriage and divorce, following hundreds of couples for more than 26 years. “Daughters-in-law need autonomy, they need independence, and when you come by unannounced, you undermine that,” she says.And it’s not just the inconvenience of the visit, but it’s the presumptuousness of it, agrees Terry Apter, author of What Do You Want From Me? Learning to Get Along With In-Laws. “It’s a lack of regard for the younger woman’s power and control of the family space.”“Avoid it,” says Apter. “Apologize when you do it.”How to Make it Better: “Simply tell your daughter-in-law ahead of time that you would love to visit,” Orbuch suggests. “Then say, ‘When is best for you?’ We all want control, and by doing this, you are offering it to your daughter-in-law.” -
Mistake #2: You Want Her To Call You Mom
In an ideal world, you’d think of your daughter-in-law as your daughter and she’d think of you as another mother. But for some women that is very hard.“I have heard this from many women who say, ‘What am I supposed to do? I already have a mom,’” says Orbach who is also the author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. “It sets up this unrealistic situation where you are asking your daughter-in-law to be as close to you as she is to her own mother.”How to Make it Better: Even though wanting your daughter-in-law to call you “mom” is simply your way of letting her know that she is part of the family, you can communicate that sentiment in other ways. “My research shows that if a mother-in-law could say, ‘I think you’re great. I’m so happy that you make my son happy. I’m here for you to support you if you ever need me. Whatever you feel comfortable calling me, I will answer to’, it would go a long way with daughters-in-law,” Orbach says. -
Mistake #3: You Give Advice She Didn’t Ask For
No one likes unsolicited advice. To a daughter-in-law, it seems like criticism, Apter says. “It’s heard this way: ‘I’m the one who knows. You need my input. You’ll be better off doing things my way.’ “How to Make it Better: Even if you’re advice comes from a place of love, chances are you’re going to be heard as threatening your daughter-in-law’s authority and challenging her role as a mom and chief caretaker in her family, according to Apter. Her advice: “Bite your tongue.”But if your tongue is bleeding from so much biting, try this: “I think you’re a wonderful mother/cook/housekeeper/person. You are so much more patient/adventurous/together than I ever was, but I’m just curious to learn more about your philosophy on x." Let your daughter-in-law answer, and if it seems that she’s open to discussion, continue to talk. But if she seems offended, you’re back to biting that tongue. -
Mistake #4: You Criticize Her Kids
“You’re the grandparent; you’re supposed to think your grandchild’s wonderful,” Apter says. “But if you’re saying, ‘She’s messy,’ ‘She’s impulsive,’ ‘She’s inconsiderate,’ then you’re daughter-in-law will certainly hear it as a criticism of her parenting. You can get annoyed at your own kid, but you don’t want someone else to find fault with her.”How to Make it Better: Orbuch agrees. “Here you have to tread very lightly. Even questions can come off as judgmental,” she says. “There will be differences in how your daughter-in-law raises her children versus how you did it. You have to recognize this. Lots of things are said from a place of love but are still deeply insulting.” Better to focus on the things you appreciate in your grandkids. -
Mistake #5: You Talk to Your Son About Her
Simply put, don’t. Complaining to your son about his wife puts him in a very difficult position, Apter says. In fact, your son should put a stop to it. He should say to you, “She’s my partner, I love her, and I don’t want to hear a negative story about her.”Unfortunately, many sons don’t say that, and when your complaints come back to your daughter-in-law, they make her angry, and that doesn’t gain anyone anything.How to Make it Better: If you have felt that your daughter-in-law has locked you out of her life—or the life of your grandchildren—then it’s best to approach her directly. Use statements that begin with “I”, say things like, ‘I feel left out,’ or ‘I feel I’d like to see the children more frequently.’ Avoid "you" statements like, ‘You’re leaving me out.’ Or ‘You’re keeping my grandchildren from me.’ Then ask, “What can we do to make this better?” -
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Comments
we learn from examples. that example is how:
1. our parent were treated by the other parent's mom.
1A. this can also extend to how our grandmothers were treated by their MiL
2. how we were treated by our own MiL
many a time a woman has vowed never to treat her kid(s)' spouse the same way she was treated by her MiL. only to find out that she did end up doing the same thing to her offspring's spouse(s).as she was treated by her mother-in-law.
want a eye opener. check out mother in law stories sites. some of the stories are from the son in laws. one got mad at how poorly his wife was treated by her own family.
What happens when you're daughter in law thinks you're the enemy? My son and his wife are getting divorced and I believe this will interfere with my grandsons visits. She doesn't speak to me anymore. In fact during Easter I asked her to email me pictures of the Easter hunt, and she just text me back that she posted them on Facebook. Part of me wants to say, whatever. But I do miss her in my life. Does anybody have any suggestions? I've tried asking what did I do wrong, and have gotten no response. My son said not to bother. She wants nothing to do with him or me or my family.
My heart goes out especially to verysadgramma. It is absolutely cruel and abusive to be treated this way and shame on your son for not stepping up to the plate. I have had my share of issues with my son's partner - they are not yet married but have a son together - and it has been very difficult to close my mouth. I was not allowed to be around or return to their home after my grandson's birth since he was born at home. The midwife said 'visitors' needed to stay away on the day of his birth. Imagine how that made my husband and I feel. I was devastated. Since then when his partner acts up or says something meant to hurt me, I have bit my tongue and then later had a conversation with my son, not her. I have not commented unfavourable about her to him and on purpose we have stayed out of their lives. While her parents have flown over from Europe to be with her while the baby was born and then both of them (son and partner) flew to Europe for six weeks when our grandson was only a month old we have only seen him a handful of times. And, that has been when we travel to visit them and pay to stay in a hotel most times because we can't stay in their home as they also have flatmates. My son and grandson just visited for the first time in a year without his partner. It was a special time for us and I just carried on with the joy of being with my grandson and the joy of watching my son be such a fabulous father. His partner's parents have had so much time with this child it is defiinitely not an equal situation and nor should it just be the woman calling the shots. I expect my son to stand up to what is wrong. His partner's father is a control freak and is playing them and giving them money. They will move to Europe in the next few months and be away for at least three years. They change plans all of the time and I do my best to just stay steady. My son is entitled to his freedom and his life. Many grandparents have their children and grandchildren living away from them, and fortunately we have the technology now to stay in touch with them. We also found out that my son's partner had an underactive thyroid during her pregnancy which let to her moodiness and targetted attacks both prior to the grandson being born and afterwords. So I was very glad that I didn't say anything. As tempting as it is, I have many holes in my tongue more or less because my joy and happiness is for my son and grandson. I have built an imaginary bubble around myself so that any mean or toxic comments towards me will bounce off. When a woman behaves this way it shows lack of class and respect on her part and is shameful. Be a better person and remember that your child has only one mother. They may not realize it now, but they will in years to come. Remain a part of their lives remembering birthdays and special holidays in spite of what the partner or daughter in law wants or says. Maintain your grace and dignity and she will continually look bad and eventually it will affect their relationship. I have heard of similar stories as verysadgramma and it is horrible to see a woman be mean and spiteful to her lover's mother. It only shows the lack of manners and grace that she does not have, and it will catch up to her. We have a right to be a part of our son's lives and always remember that no matter what. .
when i am talking to my grandkids or my son, my daughter-in -law answers. when i asked the grandkids something they look at there mother and she will answer. It hurts me that my son doesn't talk to me or answers me. I have told my daughter-in-law that the children have mouths and they can talk for themself. My son however says nothing. How do i handle this?