Simply put, don’t. Complaining to your son about his wife puts him in a very difficult position, Apter says. In fact, your son should put a stop to it. He should say to you, “She’s my partner, I love her, and I don’t want to hear a negative story about her.”
Unfortunately, many sons don’t say that, and when your complaints come back to your daughter-in-law, they make her angry, and that doesn’t gain anyone anything.
How to Make it Better: If you have felt that your daughter-in-law has locked you out of her life—or the life of your grandchildren—then it’s best to approach her directly. Use statements that begin with “I”, say things like, ‘I feel left out,’ or ‘I feel I’d like to see the children more frequently.’ Avoid "you" statements like, ‘You’re leaving me out.’ Or ‘You’re keeping my grandchildren from me.’ Then ask, “What can we do to make this better?”