Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law: Rules of the Game

Can you all just get along? Actually, you can. Here are 12 ways to make it happen.

By Barbara Graham

 

Since the publication of Eye of My Heart, I've been running around the country talking to groups of grandparents, and the single most radioactive topic wherever I go is — guess what? — tension between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.

I hate it when clichés turn out to contain more truth than rumor, but so many grandparents on the paternal side feel like second-class citizens, compared with maternal grandparents. In many families, the mom's mom and dad often have easier and more frequent access to the kids. In other families, maternal grandmothers even act the part of what I call alpha nanas. One paternal grandmother who came to my talk in Las Vegas complained that her daughter-in-law's mother expects the grandkids to be with her side of the family on all major holidays — and her daughter goes along with it.

On the other hand, daughters-in-law don't necessarily have it any easier. There are mothers-in-law who, while not clinically deaf, routinely ignore their daughters-in-law's perfectly reasonable requests. "Tomorrow is not a good day to visit," one daughter-in-law said to her husband's mother, but the grandmother turned a deaf ear and showed up anyway — and not for the first time.

As a mother-in-law — and one who has worked hard to earn the trust of my daughter-in-law — I've come up with 12 rules to help both groups get along. And the key to them all, for both sides?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

For Mothers-in-law

1. Respect your daughter-in-law's parenting style — even if you don't agree with it. Much has changed since you were raising kids. More to the point, you're the grandparent now and you're not in charge. Earn your daughter-in-law's trust by playing by her rules when you're with the kids.

2. Respect her relationship with her mom — and don't try to compete. You'll lose.

3. Respect her relationship with your son — and don't badmouth her to him. You'll lose that battle, too.

4. Remember, good parenting is learned on the job — and she's doing the best she can. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and never forget how sensitive you were as a young parent trying to do your best.

For Daughters-in-law

1. Respect your son's relationship with his mother — whatever your opinion of her. You may get him on your side of your conflict with her, but your entire family, especially your children, will suffer as a result.

2. Remember that all grandparents — unless they are abusive or their behavior is in some way harmful to the kids — deserve to know their grandchildren, and vice-versa. If possible, let all the grandparents spend time alone with the kids. That is the only way they can establish lasting bonds.

3. Cut the grandparents some slack — within reason. They may buy the kids two scoops of ice cream instead of one, or ridiculous, overpriced toys — and then let them stay up an hour past bedtime. They don't mean to dis you; this is just their way of showing their extravagant love for your children.

4. If you happen to be the mother of sons, beware. Someday, if you're lucky, you'll be a mother-in-law with grandchildren, too. Behave accordingly.

For Both Mothers-in-law and Daughters-in-law

1. Boundaries is not a dirty word. In fact, it's one of the best words in the English language — and in practice, healthy boundaries are what keep us sane and foster friendly relations. Set boundaries for yourself, and respect your in-law's boundaries. When you do stray into each other's crosshairs, try to see the situation from her point of view.

2. Let go of your expectations about how things should be and work with the way things are. This means accepting the complete cast of characters who make up your whole crazy extended family, as well as other nonnegotiable circumstances.

3. Always think of the kids. Model the values you want the children to learn. Do you want to train them in sniping and disrespect, or trust and compassion?

4. Remember, the heart is a generous muscle, and there's enough love to go around. The Beatles said it best: And, in the end, the love you take/is equal to the love you make.

Barbara Graham is the editor of the anthology, Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother (Harper), which tells "the whole crazy, complicated truth about being a grandmother in today's world."

Comments

Great article with more focus on putting straight the daughter in law. If MILs understand when they bring a girl for their son or when a girl marries their son, that makes it their life and their business, include yourself as a guest and with your genuine behavior become family. Don't compete, lie, make her look useless or little in front of other family members. You may be a great cook, but when she makes something delicious do not make it look less or pre-catered, she made an effort, appreciating will not take away your talent of cooking or knowing. Always talk good about her and she will find you more nicer and genuine.

Author is absolutely right, it takes both sides to keep peace. What I have seen, DIL comes with genuine gratitude to be good friends with their MILs. Eventually, MIL's behavior puts the distance. Its MILs who needs not to make snide remarks on their DIL appearance, cooking, and absolutely not asking their sons what's his wife's daily routine is. When your DIL tries to make effort to be friends with you, do not through a tantrum when things don't end up according to your expectation, remember dealing with her is not a RIGHT, its a PRIVILEDGE, use it with respect. Dear MILs please don't gossip behind her back, you will loose a sincere daughter and a well wisher, Don't fabricate and lie when you need her attention, be genuine, and she will be your best friend. Don't spoil their weekends, they need some time to themselves just like when you got married and lived far.... far.... far.... away from your in-laws.

So the grand baby comes in the scene. First, if you didn't give birth to the baby that means its not yours to rule around with. Please back off for few months, let the new mother cope with her health, give time to the new family to bond and adjust to their new life. If they want your help, they will ask you, don't push it. Don't be greedy to keep any money to yourself when its given to the baby, it goes to the parents no matter how close of your acquaintance gave the check to your grandbaby. When grand baby visits you, don't smell his breath to check for breast milk or formula, not your business. She is the mother after all and will care for her baby more than her life just like you did when you had your son. Don't check baby's nails, complain about his clothes, if her taste of dressing up the baby is better than yours don't spoil it with manipulative tactics, she has all the right to dress up baby anyway she wants, its her baby. Spoiling your grandchild is only Okay when his health is not the one being jeopardized. Many grandparents think its their right to give lots of sweets and candy to the kid, think if you have given the same amount of candy to your own son at his infant stage? don't spoil their healthy habits and diet, your not loving the child but endangering the baby's well-being. Spoil him with toys, lots of toys, books, clothes, shoes, tickets to baby parks and rides. If you complain to not having to spend alone time with the grandchild, think again how nice or bad you have treated the mother, be kind and genuine to her and she will let you be closer to her baby more than ever you have imagined. Speak good of DIL to your family and relatives, remember words can go around and haunt back as well.

If MILs understand these core values, every single DIL would want to be more closer and happy to be around to their MILs.

DILperspective on 2014-07-19 16:26:58

I think this article is spot on, and offers two challenges that are hard for each party but if taken up will really work. MIL, accept what comes, letting go of all expectations, and don't try to control. Even things like being at the hospital. It is reasonable to want to be alone with your baby for a bit and breastfeeding takes trial and error. Don't take anything personally and realize it is not about you and should be about your son building his new family. Enjoy the chance to not be responsible for the decision making and enjoy unconditional love. DIL, realize that you do get to have final day and that comes with responsibility. Your husbands mother is essential to his sense of self and he will love her even if he sees her flaws. It is in your best interest for your husband to fully share his children with his parents because it rus very deep. Realize things they say and do may be upsetting and flare up your mommy instincts, but in the long run they will have little effect where the inevitable resentment (which men tend not to express verbally) could have real effects on your marriage and family. Your MIL is vulnerable to you and you need to do a lot of soul searching, set boundaries for what you really need, express them furmly and vompassionately, and beyond that, look for opportunities to let your husband and MIL enjoy your family together, even if that means occasional unwanted conflict or departures from how you ideally like to do things. If you don't feel respected, be brave and say so. Remember she gave you your husband in spite of her flaws that she may not own up to. It's not your job to call her out.

megereilly@yahoo.com on 2014-04-30 09:47:11

I am a daughter in law. My mother in law is obnoxious, judgemental and a bully. She expects us to do everything the way she did it raising her sons. For example my family does not include Santa as part of Christmas and I carried that on with my own children (who are mine from a previous marriage) my mother in law made rude comments and despite my son telling her what he knows about Santa (that he was a real man named St Nick and he gave presents to needy children but that was a long time ago and he is dead now so now parents give presents to their children in his memory) she still insists that they have to behave for Santa and tells my husband that I'm selfish and took Santa from them because I don't want to lie to my kids. That is only one example.

Proven fact: Grandparents are not necessary to raise children. Children with out grandparents grow up just as well rounded and wonderfully as those with them (look it up)

So if my mother in law can't respect me and how I celebrate holidays with my own children then she doesn't need to be involved. Why would I allow my child to spend "alone time" with a person who cannot respect me as a parent and continues to do and say whatever she pleases in the presence of my kids. Its been 20 years since she had a baby she doesn't care what I say so how would I know that even if I tell her that the chance of SIDS decreases by 80% if a baby sleeps on its back that she would listen? In her day babies slept on their belly.

The bottom line is she is not necessary and has no rights what so ever to my children. If she is going to continue to act like white trash she will not be allowed around my children at all. Its my decision and I am not the one with something to lose. She has already gone from seeing us once a week to only holidays and special occasions. I don't care how old she is I will never respect her. The only reason my husband is so great is because of his poor step father who has to put up with this woman every day.

What it boils down to is it's my family, not yours. You may have given him birth but he sleeps in my bed every night. I do not have to respect you or include you in my life. If you want to see your son and his children you have to go through me that's reality. Accept it or get out of our life.

justsayin on 2014-04-22 08:26:03

I am a daughter in law. My mother in law is obnoxious, judgemental and a bully. She expects us to do everything the way she did it raising her sons. For example my family does not include Santa as part of Christmas and I carried that on with my own children (who are mine from a previous marriage) my mother in law made rude comments and despite my son telling her what he knows about Santa (that he was a real man named St Nick and he gave presents to needy children but that was a long time ago and he is dead now so now parents give presents to their children in his memory) she still insists that they have to behave for Santa and tells my husband that I'm selfish and took Santa from them because I don't want to lie to my kids. That is only one example.

Proven fact: Grandparents are not necessary to raise children. Children with out grandparents grow up just as well rounded and wonderfully as those with them (look it up)

So if my mother in law can't respect me and how I celebrate holidays with my own children then she doesn't need to be involved. Why would I allow my child to spend "alone time" with a person who cannot respect me as a parent and continues to do and say whatever she pleases in the presence of my kids. Its been 20 years since she had a baby she doesn't care what I say so how would I know that even if I tell her that the chance of SIDS decreases by 80% if a baby sleeps on its back that she would listen? In her day babies slept on their belly.

The bottom line is she is not necessary and has no rights what so ever to my children. If she is going to continue to act like white trash she will not be allowed around my children at all. Its my decision and I am not the one with something to lose. She has already gone from seeing us once a week to only holidays and special occasions. I don't care how old she is I will never respect her. The only reason my husband is so great is because of his poor step father who has to put up with this woman every day.

What it boils down to is it's my family, not yours. You may have given him birth but he sleeps in my bed every night. I do not have to respect you or include you in my life. If you want to see your son and his children you have to go through me that's reality. Accept it or get out of our life.

justsayin on 2014-04-22 08:25:35

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