10 Things Your Daughter-in-Law Won't Tell You
They spoke off the record, and they held nothing back. Here's what the moms really want you to know.
By Emily Perlman Abedon
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iStockphotoThey said it
When we offered moms a chance to vent about their mothers-in-law, their response was immediate, intense, and, frankly, a little insecure. "Whatever you do, maintain my anonymity," women said over and over, as they cut loose with gripes over behavior ranging from the mildly annoying to the downright destructive. Now, we're not suggesting that you are guilty of any of the things these moms complained about, but just FYI, here's a roundup of some of the things that OTHER grandmothers do. -
iStockphotoParenting advice? Thanks, but no thanks.
If I'm looking for tips, I've got plenty of resources — including friends, my pediatrician, and most important, your son. Unless we specifically ask for your opinion, let the two of us figure it out. We want to raise the kids our own way — mistakes and all. -
iStockphotoPassive aggressive is still aggressive
That story you love to tell about the homemade dinners your son came home to as a child always seems perfectly timed to coincide with my bringing out a store-bought dessert. Oh, and that can of Bar Keepers Friend you gifted me for Christmas? I got the hint. Very subtle. -
iStockphotoI don't HAVE to pick up after everyone
You know how you always say you didn't spoil your son growing up? You're wrong. My housekeeping skills may not be up to your standards but I know there's at least one thing that I do differently that I'm handling right — teaching my kids to clean up after themselves. -
iStockphotoLet's stop standing on ceremony
I know it bothered you that I didn't send you a thank-you note for hosting my parents at your home, but I wasn't being a rude ingrate. It's just that I had started to think of us all as one clan, not as each other's house guests. -
iStockphotoMi casa is not your casa
So stop showing up uninvited, unannounced, and unable to understand that I like my kitchen organized the way it is. -
iStockphotoYes, I am good enough for him
It's sweet that you still think your son is perfect, as long as you also understand that, despite what you may think, I'm also perfect for him. -
iStockphotoBabysit much? Oh, you really think so?
You love to tell your friends how much you enjoy spending time with your grandkids, but when I ask you to help me out and watch them, you act like I have inconvenienced you — yet again. I'm not suggesting you give up your busy life. On the other hand, the children won't be this little for long — you of all people should realize that. -
iStockphotoMoney can't buy you love
At birthdays and holidays, please ask us for some gift ideas and limits.
And if you really think the kids need the latest and greatest video-game system, fine — as long as you keep it at your house. -
iStockphotoSorry, I'm nothing like you
But just because I'm nothing like you doesn't mean I don't respect the heck out of you. If you don't believe me, consider this the ultimate compliment — I married your son knowing full well that, as the saying goes, "you marry the whole family." -
iStockphotoThank you!
Thank you for raising such a decent, responsible, kind man ... but why couldn't you have given him your great sense of style? -
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Comments
I have to say that I love my MIL she is a wonderful woman.I have always treated her with love and respect and my children the same.When I grow up I did not have grandparents so I decided that when I started my own family I will have 4 grandparents for my children and they have been loved by all four . My MIL was welcome anytime to pop in without making a appointment why would I demand something like that when my own parents pop in anytime also.There is a bigger picture than being self centered and selfish cause you see without my MIL I would not have my wonderful husband and my children.So I have to say Thank you for being part of our lives. We Love you
I do have to say though, that our ex dil treated us so badly that we were shell-shocked from the day of the wedding. We never saw our son nor our grandsons and when we did she always stayed home 'sick'. After 12 years of this our son turned to us for help and she promptly sued for divorce. So our experience has been pretty typical, but my philosophy still remains that the kids are the most important element. Sometimes it is your own kids that break your heart too...whether they don't stand up to their spouse or they stand up to you. We are here with open arms....but we won't drop plans that we have...we deserve our retirement. We are here to ease the burden (especially with Autism) but all the ins and out of kids...the chores and fun. I have had enough tears. We a new dil with our ys. she is smart and nice. She has boundaries which are good. Good for all of us.
About in-laws: these seemed more polite and productive than what I have seen here before. Thankyou for this. The precious squeezable babies, toddlers, kids and teens need all of us. We all get exhausted and need to tag-team to help everyone to succeed. We need to learn to agree to disagree and not throw the baby out with the bath water. I know we all like to vent, and I do my fair share, but what do we really learn from it? My family has 5 grandsons and 1 has Asbergers and another has Autism. We don't mean to know what our kids and their spouses are going thru everyday, but we want them to know that they can count on us for help...physical, not monetary.
My grandson's mom is amazing. We have no problems at all. She works, and goes to school full time. I help out. I have my grandson every-other weekend (since he was 3 months old) when his social calender allows. When he goes home, he always has a "me and my grandma" story to tell. My son is constantly reminding me that he cant do certain things at home (like skate/skate board or ride his bike or scooter in the house) but he can do it at "grandma's). Plus that fact that this kid is amazing helps...mdswaby