Jamie Epstein doesn’t ordinarily carry her stuffed bunny around town. But when the grade-schooler goes on a sleepover to MomMom’s house, “Bunners” goes along with her. “Something familiar like that just makes her more comfortable,” says Sandra Dunn, 66, Philadelphia grandmother to Jamie, 8, and her 11-year-old brother, Evan. “We’re fortunate to see them often, but it’s always important to make sure they feel safe and secure.”
Dunn is right. The first time a grandchild leaves the familiar turf of home for an overnight at Grandma and Grandpa’s can be a bit nerve-racking. But by preparing the way ahead of time, grandparents can minimize the childhood jitters.
Sleepovers are ideal opportunities to forge a strong bond with the grandchildren, notes clinical psychologist Sharon Fried Buchalter, Ph.D., author of Children Are People Too: Unlocking the 8 Secrets to Family Happiness (People Too Unlimited, 2006). “It’s a good, independent step for the child as well, plus it gives the parents a night off,” she says.
Before anticipating the child’s needs, it’s important for the grandparents to keep their expectations realistic, says Buchalter. “Don’t take it personally if they have a meltdown. Don’t push yourself on them; let them come to you.”
Psychologist Dr. Carl G. Arinoldo, co-author of Essentials of Smart Parenting: Learning the Fine Art of Managing Your Children (Nova Science Publisher Inc., 2007) with his wife, school psychologist Linda D. Arinoldo, recommends showing the child “his” room in advance, and using the room for playtime or naps before the actual sleepover. “And you want to put items in the room that are familiar to the child,” he says. A favorite stuffed animal, a well-read book, or even a family picture will make him feel at home.
Although 6-year-old Anabel Shaffer Barnett is now at ease sleeping over Granny’s house, she still needs her “Baby,” a favorite blanket, and the repeating of her usual bedtime routine to fall asleep away from her West Chester, PA., home. For Anabel, this includes assembling an army of stuffed animals around her in bed and hearing a story. “We used to call her at bedtime to say goodnight, but we don’t need to do that anymore now that she’s a pro,” says her mom, Missy Shaffer.
Sticking to the familiar is a good idea, agrees Buchalter. “When I leave my 4-year-old with grandparents, or anyone else, it’s important for her to follow a familiar routine. Every night she takes a bubble bath, has five minutes of SpongeBob, and we read two books and tell a little story together. Consistency is important because transitions, especially for toddlers, are difficult.”
Remember that even if the child has been in your house before, things look different at night. To make your home less scary, put up a night-light or have a flashlight nearby. And you’ll want the child to sleep in a room nearby or even in a sleeping bag in your room.
“When they were younger, and even sometimes now, the kids have crawled into bed with us, and I have no problem with that,” says Dunn. “I think being flexible is very important. And being aware of their sleep styles. Evan takes a while to get to sleep, and Jamie is out right away. So we make allowances for that.”
Buchalter adds that a snuggle with grandparents in bed can be calming for the grandchildren in this new environment. “You can start them in a separate room or sleeping bag,” says Buchalter, “then if they get scared, cuddle up.”
On a practical note, be sure you’re aware of any food restrictions and allergies the child may have. And while you might be tempted to indulge them, overloading on sweets at night will keep them awake, and you’ll have a very cranky grandchild on your hands the next day.
Additionally, grandparents should have a copy of the front and back of their grandchild’s health-insurance card. “You don’t want to think about it, but if anything happens, the grandparents need to be able to make important decisions about the child’s health and well-being,” says Buchalter.
After the first few overnights, your grandchildren will view your home as an extension of their own. With that kind of comfort zone established, they’ll be sleeping soundly, and so will you.
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