Am I Annoying My Kids?

When you've been told, nicely or otherwise, to back off

by Susan Stiffelman

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My daughter just told me that at holiday gatherings I'm in her face too much and it annoys her. I had no idea I was getting all up in her business. I thought I was just being helpful. The holidays are coming around again and I don't know what to do to make sure I don't upset her. Help!

Thank you for this wonderful question. I know there are quite a few readers who can relate to your dilemma!

The holidays are stressful for many families. Between having to clean house, prepare food, and buy gifts, there's the ever-present potential for old family grievances to rear their head. An innocent question about whether you want to use cloth or paper napkins can be misinterpreted as a put down about table-setting skills. A remark about how much everyone used to enjoy Grandma's cornbread stuffing is suddenly seen as an insult to your daughter's way of preparing it.

So, as many of us know from experience, it doesn't take much to annoy family members at holiday gatherings.

First, understand that your daughter has done you a huge favor by telling you her feelings ahead of time, even if they're hard to hear. Rather than take it as an insult , look at it as a gesture she's making to try to make the holidays more joyous.

Ask her if there are any specific examples of times when she has felt you were "getting all up in her business," and then listen without explaining or defending yourself. Make this conversation into an information-gathering mission, an opportunity for you to understand specifically what she's talking about. The more you have a clear idea of what she considers upsetting, the better you'll be able to avoid doing those things.

After your daughter has offloaded (I call this Act I), ask her if she would be willing to work with you to figure out ways you can be involved and helpful (let's call that Act II.) By not putting her on the defensive and coming alongside her, she's going to see you as a friend instead of a foe. Ask her to tell you a few things that would lighten her load, and consider doing them, even if they're not what you prefer to do.

You may prepare for this conversation by making a list of tasks and errands that you think she would appreciate your taking care of. But tread lightly here. You must let her weigh in on whether those things make her holiday preparations easier or harder, recognizing that as useful as you might think something is, she may disagree. There's also a chance she may feel that you are taking over her role as host.

In addition, realize that you probably have different styles of accomplishing tasks. Some people prepare best for parties by keeping a mental checklist of what needs to happen next and then coming up with their own sequence and manner of getting those things accomplished. When well-intentioned people ask what they can do to lend a hand, it can throw the host off schedule and rhthym, perceiving the would-be helpers as obstacles in getting through their list. It 's difficult to incorporate a well-meaning extra pair of hands if it requires discussion or debate about how to do that task.

In the end, you may find it best to accept that the greatest help you can provide your daughter is to allow her to prepare for the holidays without feeling she's insulting you by declining your offers of assistance. Perhaps you can offer to babysit and give her time to get things done. Or offer to clean her house while she's out doing errands, or run errands while she cleans her house. There are many ways of supporting her preparations from the sidelines, while staying out of the way.

Above all, arrive at your family gathering with a heart full of gratitude for the chance to celebrate with those you love. That's always what it's all about.