An Uncaring Daughter-in-Law

There is great wisdom in Ms. Stiffelman's reply. I hope the grandmother takes the time to consider the suggestions and information provided. I might add that just because Grandma doesn't see mom nurturing her kids, does not mean they don't have special times and routines. I would like many young mothers I know to choose their children over careers, etc, but I also know that these young woman are caring moms who have intimate moments with their children. My way is not the only way. A happy, content mom is important for children to feel secure, and it sounds like the mom is both.

I personally don't see any evidence that the writers DIL is uncaring or oblivious to her child's needs in any way. I don't even see how the DIL "spends so little time with her children."

I do see a Grandmother who is "pained" that her Stay-At Home-Mom DIL has a nanny and appears to have a "busy social life" during daylight hours. Which may or may not include errands, doctors appointments, charity work, church and spirtual activities, fitness classes, and other ways she contributes to the community and keeps her mental and physical health in top shape so she can be the best wife and mom she can be.

I don't doubt that spending time after school playing with peers are how most of our own generation was raised and probably how we raised our own. We called it "go out and play" instead of "supervised play dates." And I think its safe to say children prefer playing with peers to sitting home or hanging around grown-ups when pent-up school energy is released.

The "always seems to be" smacks of anecdotal observations. Having a nanny twice a week can relieve an overstressed mother, and make her a better mother when she's around.

If a SAHM arranges play dates supervised by other adults, you can bet that that arrangement wouldn't last long if she didn't also takes her turn and carry her load supervising play dates herself.

Notably absent is that anything about dinner, or evenings, or weekends and any judgment of the writer's own son's time with the children.

I see a MIL who thinks her DIL should be making peanut butter sandwiches after school every day and should be satisfied by that alone.

I have 2 very different daughters-in-law: N is a terrific Mom-totally involved in the children's lives and they're great kids; M has been married to my son for 7 years and they have 1 child, 8 months old. M never cleans, cooks, doesn't want to learn to drive, and is very distant from her baby. My son married M, clearly with the hopes of having several children. After being married a few years, my son realized that she didn't want children and couldn't even take care of herself (she was also very unkempt. I don't know why people do it but, they believed having a baby would solve their problems of constant bickering and he thought M would suddenly become the perfect stay-at-home Mom and wife. Well, he would come home from work and M would complain she was tired, she didn't feel well and after nagging at him to go and get fast food for dinner almost every nite, she'd hand him the baby and go into her room and watch TV or go on the internet. They hardly spoke. When I would visit, I couldn't stand the mess and I would scrub the bathrooms, vaccuum, do the laundry and take care of the baby. M had no motherly instincts and the baby knew it. She won't bathe the baby by herself, she hardly burped the baby which caused her to scream with gas pain, and she would only change the baby if no one else would do it. When the Pediatrician told her to start with the rice cereal, she tried and because the baby didn't know how to eat, she stopped giving her the cereal. I had to show her that you need to take your time and talk to the baby and enjoy your special moments. Well, my son has filed for divorce and custody - M is only concerned that she will have to work, find a place of her own and she wants my son to pay all their bills-including her old student loans. Needless to say, I am very stressed over the whole situation especially now that I also learned M has a history of being a "cutter" and has gone after my son too. After 2 weeks in pyschiatric unit, she lives in one bedroom and my son with the baby locks the bedroom at night since he's fearful of what she might do. She refuses to sign the divorce worksheets and my son works, takes the baby to daycare (another expense), picks the baby up after work, feeds, bathes, puts the baby to bed, makes up the bottles, clothes, food for the next day of daycare and goes to bed. Oh, M usually just watches it all - and when I spoke to M's Mom, she said, "I knew she shouldn't have a baby - she can't even take care of herself" - I asked why my son wasn't told when he asked to marry her, and I didn't get an answer. So, who suffers the most? The baby, of course. Be thankful if you have a daughter-in-law who's taking care of your grand-children.

As Gandparents it is our responsibility to LOVE our Grandchildren and as long as thay are in a home where Daddy and Mommy love and care for each other regardless of weather it is the way we think that love should be and the Gkids are feed, clothed and clean most of the time we need to be understanding that it is their life and there choice to make. Ask your self is the parent/s Drinking, using Drugs, Abusing each other or there selves and children? Are the Parents Mentaly Sound and Moraly corect then there is no problem/s. As Gparents we can love and enjoy the gkids every chance we get without interjecting our life into theres, as our circumstances even twenty years ago with our money and careers securities are totaly different than our childrens and there chosen LOVES. We need to support the whole family as one unit, keep them strong and together at all cost. Allow your DIL and SILS to know that you love and respect them and there family at all cost this will give you a better chance to be involved and influence the child in laws to love and protect your presious G-children. And in the long run you will make a very positive difference for them all. Your Higher Power will Smile and remember to PRAY,PRAY,PRAY for them every day and in every way. My Mother in Law, totaly objected to my methods of Rasing our children but in the long run the men we raised have Careers, Never had problems with the law. Do not Drink, drug, gamble, abuse, or cheat.And the son that's married LOVES his wife and girls with a happy home and family working har to succeed. My DIL is the best woman I know she workes full time and so does he, Thay (mostly she) keeps as clean a home as she is able. She truly "LOVES her MAN!and her girls" I cloudn't ask for more than that. This has extended to our families respecting each other and enjoying each other's company we get together and have fun and LOve on the Grand child. LIFE is very good. My DIL is not perfect but nighter is my son, myself or my husband.

I think Grandma is over reacting. My daughter has 3 children and does not work..There ages 6 and under..Unlike the mother here she does not have an active life and there are many times she calls me to go to lunch with her or asks if i would take kids for a few hours so she can wind down.. Since i do not know grandma's grandkids ages I assume there young.. My oldest grandson is austic and he is a fulltime handfull alone..I cry for what my daughter goes through...Perhaps there is a hyper child in home.. I love having my grandchildren for a few hours on my time... And i kno it helps my daughter..