My daughter-in-law has come up with all these wacko rules regarding my grandson. I must vacuum my home twice prior to his arrival, he is not allowed carbs after 6 p.m., and no sweets, ever. What the heck is this all about? She talks to me like I've never done this before. (Does she not realize that my son, her husband, turned out just fine?) Help me cope before I kidnap my grandson.
Well, now — I'll just bet you never had wacko rules your children's grandparents had to comply with, eh?
Truth be told, each generation of parents has to deal with more insecurity-generating information than the one before it. Parents these days are inundated with advice, and I've yet to work with a mom or dad who didn't struggle to untangle the truth from the unimportant. I suspect your grandson's mother is in the midst of trying to do best by her son — just like you did.
Most of the time, a very rigid parent is either fueled by her own sense of confusion or she's feeling powerless about a problem she's having. If instead of questioning her rules you let her know you're willing to do what she needs, she may feel comfortable opening up to you with the problem she's trying to avoid. As long as you're copping an attitude about vacuuming twice and hiding the sweets, she's going to approach you with suspicion. (Rolling your eyes probably isn't helping ...)
Move into a nonadversarial position. Ask yourself these questions: Why is my daughter-in-law concerned about the vacuuming? Does my grandson suddenly have allergies? Is she worried about a lingering cough or problems he's having with sleep that she believes — rightly or wrongly — may be affected by dust and pollen?
And why might she be worried about carbs and sweets? Whether you agree or not, there's a lot of evidence suggesting that some children who have problems with impulse control, focus and/or restlessness may benefit greatly from a cleaned-up diet. Considering the reasons behind your daughter-in-law's rules may help quell your reactions.
But more important, are you willing to take a look at what you've made her dictums mean? It sounds like you’ve taken her rules and run with them. Your comment, "She talks to me like I've never done this before," speaks volumes. My dear, you and only you are giving life to this notion. How did you get from hearing "No sweets at all, no carbs after 6 p.m." to "She thinks I'm incapable of taking care of a child"?
My advice to you: Take her comments at face value, don't make them mean something they don't mean, and send a little tenderness in your daughter-in-law's direction as she sorts out the best way to parent her child. Sure, you've done it before, but you've never raised that boy in this society with these concerns and influences ... and you've never been your daughter-in-law, with her own beliefs, insecurities and ideas about what's best for her boy. So find your heart, give them both a big hug when they show up at your door, and go along with her requests. Most of all, enjoy that fabulous grandson of yours!
10 comments so far...
| I'm writing this comment for both the therapist and the grandparent with the problem. This grandparent has trusted you by asking for your help. Does your response close the door to further interaction? Is it preachy and judgemental? Is the very advice you give this possible first time grandma, the advice you aren't following in your response to her? When a person is struggling with problems, they are often not feeling loved or appreciated. This grandma should be given kudos for seeking help. Most important is to shed light on the fact that the grandchild is where all the focus should be, not on the daughter-in-law. It's a common ground, a great starting point for all the adults. Grandparents need to know that their grandchild loves them unconditionally. Approach the problems with your daughter-in-law, through the love you feel from your grandchild. It works miracles in your family relationships. If all decisions in families flowed from the best interests of the child, we'd all be better parents and grandparents. Daughter-in-law relationships can be very difficult because grandma often feels displaced (which is normal). An intervention that can be helpful is to think, "she's my grandbaby's mother and I have to respect that relationship for the sake of my grandbaby." Building a strong relationship with your grandchild is a wonderful buffer for most ill feelings toward your daughter-in-law. Ill feelings melt away when you're with your grandbaby, have you noticed?!
|
|
| Dear Memoree, Thank you for your thoughtful response. I love your suggestions, and I think you’ve shared an important insight by suggesting the grandparent focus on her love for her grandson.
Although the tone of my response was light and an attempt to match the author’s humor with my own, I have the utmost respect for the fact that she was reaching out for advice, and would never intentionally close the door to further interaction with her. As you say, it’s not easy to ask for help, and I’m very much in favor of encouraging people to get support when they need it.
You may be absolutely right that if she tries to think her way into a more accepting head space (reminding herself that “she’s my grandbaby’s mother and I have to respect that for the sake of my grandbaby,”) it could make things easier. However, as a therapist I would be remiss to neglect suggesting that she deal with what I consider to be the root of the problem—her decision to interpret her daughter-in-law’s behavior as a personal statement about her inadequacy as a caretaker.
By inviting her to take an honest look at what she made her daughter-in-law’s rules mean, I was hoping she might avoid taking things so personally in the future and thus steer clear of potential problems that might be lurking around the corner. The daughter-in-law/ mother-in-law relationship is already a complex one, and problems easily result when we misunderstand one another’s intentions.
I hope you keep reading and offering your seasoned and caring perspective with other grandparents. Thank you again, Memoree, for staying in the conversation. Warmly,
Susan Stiffelman
|
|
| I like your suggestion: take her rules at face value and don't read anything into them that isn't there. My own daughter has turned into such a perfectionist in 7 years of marriage that we have lots of conflict. We all love our grand daughter and we need to get along so I'll try very hard to follow the suggestions you gave to the grandma with the "wacky rules" daughter in law.
|
|
| well i think you should tell your daughter in law that you and her need to agree on the rules you 2 give your grandson . goodluck.
|
|
| you should abide by you daughter-in-laws wishes, after all she is the parent
|
|
Home
