My oldest son has given me my first granddaughter, but the joy of the moment has been spoiled because he has named her after a person who was abusive to me and caused a great deal of pain. How do I cope with being forced to use this name for my granddaughter for the rest of my life?
It is heartbreaking that some young people don't grow up with the sense of protection and safety that they need. One of a child's fundamental needs is to feel the security that allows him or her to develop in healthy ways. I am so sorry that a relative was abusive to you, and that this person's name is now front and center in your life.
But here is something I know for sure: When we hold on to anger and withhold our forgiveness — no matter how justified we are in doing so — we suffer. This in no way minimizes the pain you endured from this relative. Nor does it in any way make it okay. I would never counsel a patient to forgive an abuser based on the notion that the person had not been seriously injured by the abuse.
But I have seen the effects of remaining stuck in a cycle of anger and blame. And I have watched courageous people move toward forgiveness. Simply put, those who move through the stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — lead happier lives.
Moving Forward
I don't know the particulars of your situation, or why your son named his child after this relative, but I can sense the outrage you feel knowing that your beloved granddaughter's name is going to remind you of someone who harmed you.
And still, I know that when we move toward acceptance and forgiveness, we give ourselves the gift of a healthier life. The abuse was out of your control; what is in your control is whether you allow hurt and acrimony to consume you, or choose to get the support — ideally, with the help of a trained professional — to do the grieving that can help you release some of your pain.
| Do any of your grandkids have names you hate? |
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Yes, but I live with it; no one asked me 28.3%
No, their names are all terrific 62.0%
No, but I wish at least one was named after a relative of mine 9.5%
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This isn't easy; I understand how difficult it can be to forgive someone who hurt you terribly. But remember: Forgiving someone is not the same as saying that person's behavior was okay. Forgiveness simply recognizes that someone was in so much pain and confusion that he or she acted in ways that a loving person could not. To have harmed you as this relative did, this person had to have been significantly damaged. Perhaps recognizing that person's emotional wounds might make it easier to grieve the loss of what you deserved — a safe childhood — so that you can move on.
Embracing the Girl
This does not dismiss your relative's responsibility for having hurt you. It does, however, allow for the possibility that when you speak your new granddaughter's name, you can do so with love and joy, not with waves of pain and hurt.
Your granddaughter may end up being the catalyst that motivates you to do the grieving and healing that will help you release the burden you've been carrying. I hope so. The thought of you speaking this beloved child's name through clenched teeth is a horrible one. See if the love you have for her can propel you toward reclaiming a part of yourself that has been cut off, so that you — along with this new baby — can discover the beauty of living life with the lightness and joy that you both deserve.
I wish you all the best as you move toward wholeness. Here is a quote that I love from Dutch botanist Paul Boese: "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."
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