Boozer Grandma Means No Grandchildren Sleepovers
My kids won't let their kids, my grandchildren, spend the night at my home because they think I drink too much
by Susan Stiffelman
My kids won't let their kids — my grandchildren — spend the night at my home. They think I drink too much and that I wouldn't take good care of their children. I’m a loving and caring person and very responsible around my grandchildren. Can you help me figure out how to convince them to let my grandchildren spend more time with me?
In her fascinating book, Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way (Penguin, 2004), Judith Sills describes five blind spots that get in the way of people's happiness: Needing to be right, feeling superior, dreading rejection, creating drama, or cherishing rage. The hard part is looking at these obstacles honestly so we can live our lives without indulging in tendencies that may compromise our health, happiness, and relationships.
You sound like a very caring person, and I believe you when you say you act responsibly around your grandchildren. But you must understand that your children are obligated to guarantee that their little ones are perfectly safe when someone is caring for them in their parents' absence. While it may be difficult to hear, it is possible that what you consider moderate and acceptable drinking may be unsettling to your grown kids. They could be seeing what, for you, has become a blind spot about your drinking.
It is not easy to hear that your kids think you drink too much, but consider if it could be true. If that small voice inside you intuitively feels they could be right, then take the brave step of exploring the possibility that you need some help and support.
Visit aa.org and click the tab, "Is A.A. for You?" Attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting as an observer and listen to some of the stories that members share. Pick up a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book; you can even read a downloadable version online. As you listen and read, ask yourself if the information resonates in your heart. If it feels true, it could be valuable for you to get further involved with the tremendous support A.A. offers people from all walks of life.
If you tell your children that you're taking an honest look at what they consider your excessive drinking, it would send them a powerful message that you are earnestly taking their concerns to heart.
If these steps don't make sense to you in any way, then simply enjoy whatever time you have with your grandchildren. Place less emphasis on wanting longer and more frequent visits. While you might love to have the grandkids sleep over, it sounds like you do get to have some time with them. Make the most of that by being fully present when they're with you. Play games, take walks, bake, tell stories. Build the relationship with your grandchildren by letting them know how much you enjoy their company.
And please, don't tell the grandkids that you wish you could have more time with them, or manipulate them in such a way that they ask their parents to let them spend the night. That decision must come from your children, and should be based on their unwavering sense that you are 100 percent able to give your grandchildren the care they deserve.
Got a vexing issue? Want more advice? Our therapist answers even more readers' questions.
14 comments so far...
| My mother was a Alcoholic and she could only see my kids when she was sober. My youngest son was killed by a drunk driver. We have never really drank much.
No matter how loving or caring a person is when they are drinking they are NOT responsable.
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| You are going to have to convince them that you would never do that. Until you do I do not blame them. I drink, but, my child knows I would never do that around his son. You are just going to have to prove yourself to them.
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| My mom is not a recovering alcoholic but has stopped drinking as much in her later years. I won't let my son spend the night with her either, partly because of the drinking and partly because of my concerns about the possible ways that her past heavy drinking has impaired her judgement and reflexes. Also, my husband and I do not allow drinking around our children (in our home or out for family dinners) and my mother does not respect that. She just does not understand the fact that we want to raise our children differently and choses to act insulted by it. Becasue of that we have to make sure we allow her to spend quality time with our kids that is supervised. I envy those who have parentents who's children can enjoy the weekend with their grandparents. How perfectly normal that would be. Its a hardship on us all.
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| I don't drink. Never have. I have better things to do with my money, and I'm not that social. But It's her house, and if it doesn't hurt the grandkids, tell her kids to chill. If she doesn't have any DUI's/DWI's, or any arrests for drunk and disorderly, then she obviously knows when she's had enough and can handle it. My grandfather could drink anyone under the table and still pass a field sobriety test (didn't have the breathalizer then) and still take good care of me. By the way, if the kids keep the grandkids from the grandmother, they could be in legal trouble, as most states have grandparents rights laws. It could also be considered mental abuse to the grandmother, read as elder abuse. I suggest that the grandmother call her local senior citizens center or aging services program. If she could prove elder abuse, she could actually take the grandchildren away from the parents, and then the parents could only have supervised visitation under supervision of the court!
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| How about when it is the parents that drink too much????
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