Bugged By No Baptism

My son has decided not to baptize my new grandson. I can't believe it. This completely bugs me. Now what do I do?

by Susan Stiffelman

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Whether it’s a baptism, a bris, a first communion, or a bar mitzvah, if a religious rite of passage is an integral part of your faith, it’s natural that you would want your grandchildren to participate. I feel for you with this dilemma, because as important as your grandson’s baptism would be to you, ultimately it is your son’s choice, and it sounds as though the new daddy has made his decision.

So the first thing you do is take a big, deep breath. The next thing you do is remember how much you love your son. And the third thing you do is celebrate the arrival of your grandson. With his birth, an incredible chapter of your life has just begun, and it’s important to hang on to the feelings of joy and appreciation as you navigate this difficult issue.

One of the most frustrating parts of grandparenting is the sense of powerlessness that comes from being unable to make what we consider to be profound decisions about our grandchildren’s lives. On top of that, when something so woven into the fabric of our personal beliefs is not as meaningful to our own children, it’s easy to take it personally. Not only are you be frustrated by the fact that your son doesn’t share your religious customs, but you’re also facing yet another round of your children doing what they want, in spite of your feelings and experience.

Still, this is the way it is. We raise our children only to launch them into becoming free-thinking adults. They’ll likely share some of our values, but inevitably their decisions reveal their own outlook on life. It’s a difficult pill to swallow, but as I see it, your choice is either to alienate your son by your anger and hurt, or to find a way — and I understand it may be difficult — to respect his point of view.

Of course there once was a time when, as the elder in the family, your wishes would not be disputed. But we no longer live in a world where things work that way — at least in our contemporary society — and it means that while we can influence our adult children, we cannot coerce them to abide by our principles.

What I believe we can do, however, is foster a relationship with our grown sons and daughters that inspires them to listen to our views with respectful consideration. What promotes their receptivity is when we don’t try to force them to our ways of thinking, and instead behave toward them in a way that’s consistent with how we’d like them to treat us. This calls for listening to their views, respecting their principles, and open-heartedly loving them no matter what. And it means we have to be careful about taking their decisions personally and turning a difference in spiritual values into a battle with no winners.

As tough as it is, you’ll get through this. Keep your eye on the prize — the arrival of your blessed grandson — and focus on the many gifts he is going to bring into all of your lives. Who knows, he may rebel against his more secular upbringing and grow up to be a priest!