I'm going to be a first-time grandmother in February. My daughter and son-in-law have invited me to be part of the delivery and asked that I stay with them for about six weeks to help out. I want this to be a good experience for everyone, so I need some do's and don'ts about living with the new family. Signed, Grandbird
My goodness, what an awfully wonderful Grandma-to-be you are! I admire the levels of awareness and sensibility that have prompted your question.
On the one hand there isn’t a simple answer to help you prepare for a situation that, as you well know, is fraught with adjustment for everyone concerned. But the fact that you’re conscious of the possible challenges leaves me confident that things will go well. What you’re already bringing into this situation -- your openness, sensitivity and desire to make it work – is 99 percent of the answer.
Here’s the other 1 percent: Stay loose and flexible. No one, including Mommy-to-be, can create rules or guidelines that won’t change again and again. Your daughter might think she wants you to join them for every meal, and then one day feel that she and her husband desperately need some alone time with their new little one. Your son-in-law might clearly send you the message that he wants to be the one who takes charge of the baby after her early morning feeding, and then might announce his desperation to crawl back to bed, in the hopes you’ll pick up the cue and take over. The key here is going to be your willingness to (a) not react personally to the shifting sands, and (b) go with the flow.
One of the best ways to avoid misunderstandings and tension is to keep the communication open. If you’re not sure that you’ve correctly interpreted a hint, just ask: “I’m wondering if you’d like me to be with the baby this morning so you can get a bit more sleep?” Avoid mind-reading at all costs, in either direction. This means that if you need a break, don’t become a martyr.
Perhaps the area with the greatest potential for mixed messages will be the new parents’ desire for your advice about caring for their bundle of joy. Given the fact that they’ve invited you for the baby’s delivery and six weeks of togetherness, it sounds as though your daughter and son-in-law not only relish your company, but believe your long-term presence will be a great help to them.
That doesn’t mean that they won’t want to figure out how to take care of the baby themselves. This will inevitably include making mistakes and doing things differently than you might think is best.
So my second bit of advice is to get good at biting your tongue. (Pinching yourself works well, too.) Watching someone you love more than anything—like your daughter—awkwardly burp someone else you love more than anything—like your grandbaby—may not be easy. You’ll be tempted again and again to correct, instruct and enlighten. Do your best to resist giving advice unless you’re asked. Stay relaxed. Learn to see the value in these new parents making mistakes, just as you did. Let them know what a genuine thrill it is to watch them transform into parents. And continue nourishing your relationship with your daughter and your son-in-law in ways that keep the connections loving and healthy. Laugh together. Keep things light. Enjoy the ride.
Finally, make sure you continue to take care of yourself. Get the rest you need and take breaks. Enroll in a yoga class, visit with friends, do something that replenishes you regularly. A weekend away, or even an overnight, will help you stay fresh, and when you return, your presence will be all the more appreciated.
I’m so excited for you! Have a wonderful adventure; I know it will be just grand!
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