Family Reunion: Delight or Disaster?

Our adult kids are not close to one another, but one of our dreams is to take them and our grandkids on a trip together. Can you suggest some ways to bring this up that might entice them to put their differences aside and have a family reunion?

by Susan Stiffelman

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Many grandparents dream of having their children and grandchildren in one place at one time, yet struggle with how to navigate the emotional minefields of hurts, grudges, and disagreements that can prevent that dream from becoming a reality.

Ask your kids if they would be willing to help you fulfill your dream of a reunion. If they resist, listen to what they have to say without interrupting or trying to convince them that their feelings are wrong. Do not lecture, and do not use guilt, or toss in remarks like, "After all I've done for you, the least you could do is ... "

Allow your children to express their reluctance as you listen to them respectfully. Then start by acknowledging the truth of their feelings. You might say, "I understand, honey, that it's been years since you and your sister have felt close, and it might seem awkward to be thrown together for a few days," or "I can see where it could be uncomfortable to spend so much time with your brother after all these years."

If you’ve listened with a quiet mind and shown them that you respect their feelings, they will likely be somewhat receptive to what you have to say. Ask them if they would consider ways to make a reunion comfortable. Approach them as allies, with the goal of finding a creative solution together.

You may want to focus on how their children would benefit from getting to know their cousins better, or you may be bold and suggest that it might be time to put the past aside. Ask them if they can imagine your family reinventing itself in a way that creates a greater sense of connection.

If your kids are at all open to the idea of a reunion, create a list of five to ten vacation options that appeal to you, present them to each of your children, and ask them to rank their first, second, and third choices. Then, tell them the top three options and ask them individually which of those sounds best. In order to avoid hurt feelings, you may have to be a bit political here when making the final decision.

Select from the kinds of places that offer everyone a bit of extra wiggle room. A family reunion with everyone staying in one big house might feel claustrophobic if your kids aren’t close. But there are other options that would allow each family its own space and freedom, while making it easy for everyone to overlap for certain activities or meals.

Cruises are good for many families because they offer something for everyone. Resorts or hotels with a variety of outdoor activities can also be a good choice, as are theme-park vacations.

And if your kids refuse your request after all this effort, let it go and continue visiting them separately. Try facilitating a stronger connection by starting a family blog where kids and grandkids are invited to post photos and a few lines about what's going on in their lives. Posting on a blog helps everyone feel a bit closer. In time, your kids may come around. Meanwhile, keep enjoying your wonderful family in whatever configuration you’re able. 
 

Need more advice on how to deal with family rifts? Visit our story on reconciliation. 

If a family reunion is on the agenda, look at our travel ideas on family reunions.