Financial Aid: Do I Have to Give to My Grandchildren Equally?

Is it imperative that everything be done equally when helping grandchildren with college expenses? We have this dilemma with two sets of grandchildren. One family is extremely comfortable financially. Mom does not work. They own a large, beautiful home. Their two children go to private schools. Although we have sent the children gifts over the years for Christmas and their birthdays, it was only when we told the parents that the gifts would stop that we began to get thank-you cards from the children. Our efforts to get close to our grandchildren over the years have been in vain. I don't wish to contribute toward their college expenses.

The other family also has two children. They own a small home, drive used vehicles, and mom works part time. The children go to public school. We see them often and are close to the grandchildren. They never fail to say thank you for gifts that we give them, either with a phone call or a written note. Mom makes a point to keep us involved in what the children are doing — i.e., soccer, baseball, etc. I'd like to help these two grandchildren with their college expenses.

The problem is that my husband does not agree with me. He thinks that regardless of the differences between the families, we should give equally to all the grandchildren. What do you advise?

This is an important question, and one that countless grandparents have debated. Although your question has a number of aspects to it, the primary problem is that you and your husband need to agree on a difficult matter.

So before I cast my vote about whether you should or shouldn’t contribute equally to your grandchildren’s college funds, I would suggest that the two of you play a game I call “The Three Yeses.” It very well may help sort this all out. Here’s how it works:
You and your husband sit down with one another, and one of you speaks about the issue of contributing to your grandchildren’s college education for three minutes. During these three minutes the listener just listens, without interrupting, interjecting or in any way rebutting. (No grimacing, grunting or rolling of the eyes!)

When the three minutes are up, the listener asks the speaker questions, rephrasing what she heard in such a way as to acknowledge that she listened carefully so the speaker can say, “Yes, you heard me. That’s what I said.” For example, assuming you’re the speaker, you would share your reasons why the second family deserves more financial support than the first, and afterward, your husband might paraphrase by saying, “Darling wife, one thing I heard you say is that you feel the second family is more in need than the first family.” He doesn’t have to agree with what you said; he just needs to let you know that he genuinely and respectfully heard you.

After he gets three yeses from you, it’s his turn to share his point of view for three uninterrupted minutes, and then you attempt to get three yeses from him. The goal of this exercise is for each of you to feel totally heard. It’s been an effective method for couples to set the stage for healthy negotiation and compromise about a complex decision.

As for my opinion, I have to admit that I lean toward your point of view in this situation. As much as we like the idea of treating all our children equally, the truth is, one of your children needs your help — despite living within her means and working hard — while the other doesn’t. In the same way that you might help a math-challenged child more with his math homework, or might spend hours each week driving a ballet-gifted child to classes, it’s inevitable that we treat our children differently depending on who they are and their unique strengths and weaknesses.

But I do want to address what sounds like your disappointment in the first family’s response to your gifts and attempts to be a part of their lives. It can be painful to feel distant from those we want to love so much, and I imagine their lack of appreciation and responsiveness to you has been difficult to bear. Still, I would caution you not to base your decision about college support on how your adult children have handled their children’s involvement in your life. While I understand the instinct to help grandchildren who are more appreciative and connected to you, I would encourage you to make your decision about college support based on need, rather than rewarding or punishing them for what you perceive as their shortcomings.