Help! My Granddaughter Is Calling Boys She Met Online

A grandmother prepares for a talk about internet safety and lying

by Susan Stiffelman

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My 11-year-old granddaughter's parents caught her in a lie about a phone number she got on a website for young people. Her parents learned it was actually the number of a 12-year-old boy she met online. Given what is going on with young girls and the internet, how do I handle a talk I've promised my granddaughter we will have about all this?

Pity the parents and grandparents of an emerging teenager these days! It's bad enough to have girls who were playing with dolls just yesterday exchanging phone numbers with boys. But the internet has taken tween flirting to new heights. You would hope that the boys in her class would be enough to meet your granddaughter’s newly discovered need to connect with boys, but online she has the potential to “meet” thousands more.

More worrisome, not all the preteen boys she befriends online are actually preteen boys. Adults with questionable or dangerous motives can pose as kids and easily create a presence on the social-networking sites your granddaughter visits — even if her parents have installed the best child-protection software on her computer.

I don't want to make anyone paranoid, just cautious. The internet has opened the door to wonderful social possibilities for kids. They can become virtual pen pals with children around the world, share their artwork and poetry, or commiserate with other young people in totally age-appropriate ways.

Still, when it comes time to discuss online friendships with your granddaughter, you must emphasize that caution and good sense are crucial. If anyone she doesn't know from the "real world" tries to contact her outside the internet, or if she meets people online who don't appear to be who they say they are, she must let her parents know right away. Remind her that she should never share private personal information like her address, phone number, or financial data online. And she has to realize that if you or her parents discover she's not following these rules, she stands to lose her online privileges.

As for her lying about that phone number, there are two ways to look at it: On the one hand, kids should always tell the truth. It’s important that your granddaughter know that deception almost always leads to bigger problems. On the other hand, it’s normal for an 11-year-old girl to find it awkward to tell her parents that she wants to call a boy, whether it's someone she met online or someone she's known since kindergarten. Half the fun of talking to boys when you’re 11 is keeping it from your parents!

Have your grandchildren made new friends online? Yes, and it seems to have worked out great 3.0% Yes, but it makes me nervous 27.3% No, the kids only socialize online with people they know 21.2% No, their parents place strict rules on their online activity 18.2% I have no idea what they're doing online 30.3% Have your grandchildren made new friends online? Yes, and it seems to have worked out great Yes, but it makes me nervous No, the kids only socialize online with people they know No, their parents place strict rules on their online activity I have no idea what they're doing online

So I would acknowledge your granddaughter’s dilemma — wanting to call a boy, and knowing she should tell her parents, but fearing they wouldn't understand. Show her that you’re an ally, not one more adult telling her what she can’t do, and she’ll be more receptive to your advice.

And your advice should be that as much as she might believe online friends are who they say they are, it’s impossible, both for adults and kids, to be 100 percent sure. There's no need to tell her that she’s "too young" to know the difference between a real friend and a criminal. As a tween who is likely on the lookout for proof that adults see her as a little kid, she may tune out anyone who tells her that she's "too young to know better," even you. It's easy enough to tell her a couple of stories about adults being deceived by people they thought they knew online, whether on a dating site, a shopping site, or elsewhere. The message: No one can ever be sure, so why not get a second opinion?

With open and loving dialogue, rather than harsh confrontation, you can help your granddaughter stay safe as she begins to spread her wings. Best of luck!

See Susan Stiffleman's advice on whether you should keep your grandchildren's secrets and how to deal with a grandchild who never calls. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, get tips for having "the talk" with grandkids about self-esteem and drug abuse and discover how grandparents hold families together.