Grandma Barred From Visiting Newborn in Hospital

This set of parents is keeping Grandma and Grandpa away from the nursery. Is that fair?

by Susan Stiffelman

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When my son's daughter was born, our extended family took turns at the hospital with my daughter-in-law and the baby. We would all fill that room, and then their home, with such powerful loving energy that the girl is the happiest child there is.

So you see, everything is so different from the way it was with my first grandbaby. What really hurts is that they did not invite me to come and see the baby in the hospital. I feel this baby will be a very sad and lonely child if the parents are going to push away the love and attention from the family. What do you think?

First, I loved hearing about the warm embrace your granddaughter received when she was born. Her parents clearly appreciated the value of being welcomed by extended family. 

This is a remarkable way for a child to come into the world, but it is, becoming less and less common. Many grown children end up moving to distant places, making it challenging for grandparents to be intimately involved in their arrival and day-to-day lives. 

While I, too, would want your second grandchild to receive the start in life that your first grandchild had, it doesn't seem likely. Your daughter may be among the many adult children who see the arrival of their child as more of a nuclear family event, not  one that includes grandparents and loving relatives. And logistically, she lives a great distance from you, making quick visits much more challenging.

Accept your daughter's requests with dignity and love. And I strongly suggest that you change the conclusion you have come to about how this new grandbaby is destined to be a sad and lonely child. It's not true. It's easy to twist something and turn it into what it is not. In this case, you have taken your daughter and son-in-law's desire for you to visit when the baby is three months old into the idea that they are pushing away your love and attention.

Consider the possibility that this isn't about cutting off the baby's family. Perhaps the new parents want to bond quietly with their little one for the first few months. Don't think that your son and his wife have done it "right," and your daughter and her husband are doing it "wrong"; they're each doing it in their own individual way. 

You also seem to have some unresolved issues about your daughter and her husband's plan for the child's religious upbringing. Your attitude may also be affecting your attitude toward your daughter. Remember, it's the parents' role to determine the religious upbringing of their child.

As for your difficulty in staying for two weeks, take as much time off from work as you reasonably can — this might be easier since it's some months away and you can prepare your supervisors and coworkers for your absence. Then let your daughter know you can't wait to see her and your new grandbaby. I understand you want to be present at the first days of the baby's life, but accept your daughter's wishes without a lot of drama or fuss. You'll set the stage for a much healthier relationship with her new family. Do all you can to stay a part of the baby's life while respecting the wishes of  your daughter and her husband, and your new grandchild will benefit from the mountains of love you clearly have to give.

When you visit in March, hold that baby with all the joy and warmth you did your first grandchild, and your daughter will see how important you are to her child. Allow her to come to her own understanding about the role of the extended family. I have great faith this story will have a wonderfully happy ending!