Grandma Feels Like an ATM

Financial support is one thing. This Grandma says it's gone too far.

by Susan Stiffelman

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When my grandson was born five years ago, his parents — my son and his wife — were just 21 years old. I took a second job to help out, and hoped I could be involved in my grandson's life, beyond providing financial support. I am still not allowed to have him spend the night or take him to events without also buying tickets for his parents to join us. I can't even call to ask how school was. I thought being a grandparent would be fun, but it's only brought me heartache and I feel like an ATM, always dispensing cash. Please help me.

It certainly sounds as though you've gone to great lengths to support your son and his young family. It's unfortunate that he and his wife haven't rewarded your efforts in the way you had expected, but your story proves how unspoken expectations can create heartache.

Parents walk a difficult line when their children become parents before they're financially ready. This is becoming ever more common in today's economy. Every instinct we have prods us to help our kids when they need it, especially when a grandbaby is added to the mix.

The problem comes when we attach expectations to our assistance. Most of us find it difficult to give without strings attached. Resentments build when we haven't clarified what we're expecting in return.

It's possible that your son expresses his gratitude to you in his way, but you can't see it. You may have become blind to the ways your son and his wife show appreciation for your help because you're focusing only on the negative limitations surrounding your grandson's visits and entertainment.

Instead of feeling taken advantage of, ask yourself what you've made it mean that your grandson isn't allowed to spend the night or go on excursions with just the two of you. Try not to interpret your son and his wife's restrictions as evidence that they don't value you; perhaps, like many young parents, they're simply uneasy with their little one being away from them.

Ask your son and his wife to share their reasons for not letting you call your grandson to ask about his day at school, or letting him go out with you alone, and then listen respectfully. Avoid shooting holes in whatever they tell you, hear them out. When they have finished, ask if there's anything they’d like to add. Consider the ways their thinking might make sense, at least to them. By demonstrating your willingness to genuinely listen, you'll do far more good than if you try to persuade them that they're wrong or being ungrateful.

Most important, be flexible in how you envision having fun as a grandmother. By rigidly defining how it should look — sleepovers, trips alone to the zoo — you're limiting the pleasure you could be having when you're together.

Try building your relationship with your grandson and his parents without thinking about the sacrifices you've made. Bring along a craft project to do with your grandson the next time you visit, and invite his mom or dad to join in! Arrive with a new board game you can all play. Focus on the many ways you can bring enjoyment and connection to these relationships, without trapping yourself into believing they have to give you something in particular.

I once had a client, Janice (not her real name), who bought her daughter a home when she was expecting her first child. As sincerely as Janice meant to offer the gift freely, she felt entitled to comment — and criticize — the cleanliness of the house and yard each time she visited. When her daughter asked her to back off, Janice was furious. So much resentment built up on both sides that they ended up estranged for more than a year. In the end, she had to let go of the expectations she had unknowingly tied to her gift, and allow her daughter to inhabit the house as her own.

Let go of the expectations that create bitterness and disappointment for you, and be proud of how you've helped create a more comfortable life for your grandson. Look for the little ways your son and his wife do appreciate you. And have fun being a grandma in the many ways you can.

Got a dilemma? Find the answer and more of Susan's great advice in our Ask The Therapist section.