Grandma Misses Her Grandson
After a long separation, should she send a gift?
by Susan Stiffelman
I am a grandmother of a boy, 4 1/2 years old. His parents won't let me see him, which is a long story. I haven't seen him in almost two years. He doesn't even know me. I was wondering if I should send him a Halloween gift. Would that confuse him or worse, hurt him? Please help.
I’m so sorry to hear about the gap in contact with your grandson. My first instinct is to suggest you go ahead and trust your feelings, and send a small gift to him. It seems like a harmless, loving gesture and might help him know that you’re a part of his life, even if only from afar.
But I would offer these words of caution: As in every situation, you have to weigh the benefits against the costs.
It’s important to keep the big picture in mind. Since I don’t know the reason why you and your grandson’s family are estranged, think about whether sending him a gift could make things worse. I can imagine the pain you feel, but I would hate for you to further antagonize his parents by going behind their backs. Sending the boy a gift could upset them more. Maybe you could avoid this possibility by sending his parents a quick message asking their permission? Since, Halloween is arriving shortly, you might not have time to communicate with his parents. Perhaps you could get in touch with them and ask for their permisssion to send a gift for the winter holidays instead?
If that doesn’t feel right, and you’re fairly sure his parents won’t object, I would say send a little gift, along with a Halloween card expressing your affection. Keep it simple and to the point, and leave out anything his mom or dad might find questionable.
Perhaps little by little, these relationships will get back on track. I hope so.
For more on this topic, please read our article on Reconciliation.
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