Grandma Misses Her Grandson
After a long separation, should she send a gift?
by Susan Stiffelman
I am a grandmother of a boy, 4 1/2 years old. His parents won't let me see him, which is a long story. I haven't seen him in almost two years. He doesn't even know me. I was wondering if I should send him a Halloween gift. Would that confuse him or worse, hurt him? Please help.
I’m so sorry to hear about the gap in contact with your grandson. My first instinct is to suggest you go ahead and trust your feelings, and send a small gift to him. It seems like a harmless, loving gesture and might help him know that you’re a part of his life, even if only from afar.
But I would offer these words of caution: As in every situation, you have to weigh the benefits against the costs.
It’s important to keep the big picture in mind. Since I don’t know the reason why you and your grandson’s family are estranged, think about whether sending him a gift could make things worse. I can imagine the pain you feel, but I would hate for you to further antagonize his parents by going behind their backs. Sending the boy a gift could upset them more. Maybe you could avoid this possibility by sending his parents a quick message asking their permission? Since, Halloween is arriving shortly, you might not have time to communicate with his parents. Perhaps you could get in touch with them and ask for their permisssion to send a gift for the winter holidays instead?
If that doesn’t feel right, and you’re fairly sure his parents won’t object, I would say send a little gift, along with a Halloween card expressing your affection. Keep it simple and to the point, and leave out anything his mom or dad might find questionable.
Perhaps little by little, these relationships will get back on track. I hope so.
For more on this topic, please read our article on Reconciliation.
21 comments so far...
| Sounds like good advice, both scenarios are covered. I'd like to know the long story, because, ultimately, that's the only way anyone can really make the best decision. Regardless of what adults knowingly do, the children end up in the middle and have no responsibility in the making of the situation. Tough call without knowing more. Let your heart, not head, make the decision.
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| I would also contact the parents if not by phone ,e mail or a short letter and express how you would love to be a part of his life, I think every child deserves to know his grandparents we cant a grudge forever and no one knows how long we will be here I always tell my grandchildren when we do anything to gether we are making memories for memories ars something no one can take a way from us .
good luck
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| I say send a gift, I have also been kept from 2 of my grand children for over a year, because of a horrible divorce. I send gifts, cards, $ I do everything I can still to no effect in seeing them. I pray this lady can see her grandson, I know how it feels, and believe me if we as grand parents had any rights non of this would happen. Thanks and good luck Willie hannaman
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| I would not send a gift, but keep it in a special box for him. I would like more info. on the story. I am not allowed to see my 1st grandaught (4yrs. 4mos) from my oldest son. I was told about her 3 weeks before my dad died. My x-husband knew all the time. This is also a long story. My oldest son is punishing for everything, but my granddaughter is suffering. I have a journal I write to her in, all her cards I would of sent, and her presents. My other son has a daughter (2yr) and a son which will be born at the end of the year. My oldest son doesn't talk to me, and any family funtions, my granddaughter is never there when I am invited. I have cried many times, and my youngest son can't do anything about it. My abusive husband says, it's my sons decision. When this girl turns 18, she is going to wonder why I didn't care, and I have covered my tracks. I wasn't even invited to my son's wedding, and was given no information on it. My other son isn't even married, and I only have 2 children.
W
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| Over 5 years ago, before the birth of my 1st granddaughter, I was told that I would not be included in this child's life by the mother. (my daughter in law) All communication with me was cut off immediately. I hadn't been a bad mother in law, but my daughter in law just felt that I did not have enough money to be in their life since she was from a well-to-do background and i was a divorced mother just making ends meet. I was hurt and the prospect of not knowing my grandchild was overwhelming. I worried that this child would think later in life that I did not love her and didn't want her in MY life. Advice from friends was forth coming. A great piece of advice was to remember her at every holiday by buying a gift, preferably a collectible. Wrap it up with a note of my thoughts of love for her but withhold any negativity towards her mothers decision to keep her from me. When she was of an age when she could decide for herself to have me in her life, present her with my gifts and explain that I thought of her all the time. Fortunately, her Mother came around and i was able to hold her shortly after she was born and actually had her 50% of the time when her parents marriage failed. I was able to spend almost 3 years with her before she suddenly became ill on Easter Sunday and was sent home to be with the Lord a day later and she is awaiting my time to join her in Heaven.
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