Grandma's Big Mouth

Bad influence? An uncensored grandparent makes one mom wonder about right and wrong.

by Susan Stiffelman

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My mother says inappropriate things to my five-year-old son. For example, she recently told him it was okay to burp out loud in a restaurant. "It's natural," she says. She has also told him that it's okay to cheat at cards, "as long as no one catches you.'' I don't want her to say things to my son that are contrary to what he believes and practices. I know that my mother means well and is a good person at heart. She listens when I bring the subject up, but then she comes out with something provocative all over again; this upsets me. How do I deal with her?

At first glance, your problem is that of dealing with your well-meaning mom who says edgy things to your son. But you say when you've talked with her about it, she's been receptive, and then she slips up. I wonder if the problem isn't only that your mom says funky things to your son. Could it also be that she's impulsive and doesn't always think before she speaks?

I suspect it's a combination of both: You and your mom differ on the sorts of things a grandparent should say to a child, and she says things before she considers if they are appropriate for your grandson to hear. Start by addressing your mom in a friendly way (rather than coming at her as an adversary) asking if she would help you understand her point of view about the things she says to your son that you find disturbing. Allow her to speak her piece completely, and listen with an open mind — and heart.

After listening to her, ask if she'll hear you out. Share the feelings and concerns you have when she suggests to your son that it's okay to cheat at cards, or burp loudly in a restaurant. Don't point the finger at her, tell her the truth without exaggeration or drama. It might be, "Mom, I'm concerned that Johnny may think that if it's okay to cheat at cards, it's also okay to cheat on tests." Or, "Even though it's natural, I'm uncomfortable with Johnny thinking it's okay to burp loudly at a restaurant, since most people find it offensive in public."

Ask your mother if she would consider erring on the side of caution. "If you think that this is the sort of thing I'd rather you not say to Johnny, would you be willing to keep those comments to yourself?" The more you convey that you aren't judging or condemning her, the more she'll be inclined to respect your wishes. Keep in mind that there could be an element of impulsive behavior that might make your mother's best intentions fall by the wayside. Many people have difficulty controlling what comes out of their mouths; they blurt out a remark before they realize what they've said. It's possible that your mom may belatedly justify the things she tells your son as her way of relieving her embarrassment.

I empathize with your situation and agree that it might be best if your mother spoke more appropriately with your son. Still, I would urge you not to worry too much about it. As long as you're teaching him good values and manners, Grandma's comments are more likely to amuse him than to significantly alter what he instinctively knows to be acceptable and right.

Sometimes humor can help diffuse a sticky situation. And you and your son could cash in on the amusing elements in Grandma's outbursts. Laugh with her, not at her when she says something even moderately outrageous. Burping out loud in a restaurant? Lightheartedly remind your son and your mom what a strange symphony would take place in a restaurant if all diners burped loudly at the same time. Your son will surely see the humor in this and might remember your example when you next dine out. You mom might even think your remark is pretty funny.

My own grandmother (Gaga) was notorious for allowing us to taste the candy for sale in bulk bins ("They're samples!" she'd say) and to occasionally pocket an ashtray from a restaurant ("They're souvenirs!"). But she had a heart of gold, and her Auntie Mame personality added color and a joie de vivre that contributed to my life in countless ways. I always knew Gaga was pushing the envelope with her occasional shenanigans; they never resulted in any moral or ethical confusion inside me. I knew right from wrong, and that Gaga just liked to be a little outrageous now and then.

You've said that your mother has a good heart. Rest assured that even if she continues to slip up now and again, her wonderful qualities will influence your son far more than her occasional quirky comments.

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