Grandpa: Jealous of Grandma's Time?

by Susan Stiffelman

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My husband is feeling left out because I spend so much time with our new grandbaby. Honestly, I am thoroughly drawn to my grandchild and I can't be in two places at once. Help!

Congratulations on the new addition. What a wonderful adventure is in store for you and your husband.

It's commendable that you're aware of your husband's feelings about your focus on the baby. It tells me that, despite the enormous draw you  feel to your grandchild, you are uncomfortable with the fact that your husband is feeling left out.

There's no magic fix for your dilemma. You can't focus exclusively on him and lose out on the chance to enjoy this new baby, nor can you focus entirely on the baby and leave your husband out in the cold. The trick is finding a way to help your husband feel included and appreciated, while giving yourself the opportunity to relish the once-in-a-lifetime experience of a newborn grandchild.

Is your concern about his feelings based on hints that he's given you? Instead of dancing around the issue of your involvement with the baby, have a heart-to-heart talk with him.

When you talk with him, listen with a quiet mind. Sometimes I ask my clients  to literally brush their foreheads, as if they're sweeping off the "debris" — and clearing a space to receive what the other person has to say. It would be more important to your husband that you lovingly hear and understand him than that you stop visiting your grandbaby.

As complicated as humans are, in the end, we're fairly simple. We want to feel understood and have our feelings acknowledged.

I often talk about the "neck up" and the "neck down" parts of communication. If your husband says, "You never spend time with me anymore" and you respond with  "I was home nearly all day Tuesday and made you a nice dinner!" then you've responded from the neck up, which may be factual, but isn't very satisfying for him.

Instead, if you respond from the neck down, you would be speaking to the emotional part of his communication. Address him by his pet name, and ask, "Have you been feeling a little lonely?" This would give him the comforting sense that you're listening to the feeling behind his words.

Beyond feeling heard, think about how to help him feel more included. It's often said that men aren't as comfortable with babies as they are with toddlers and older children. Your husband may feel out of place with the new baby.

He may, however, respond wonderfully to being in charge of helping the baby's parents in some practical way that requires him to be around while you're there visiting. If he loves to cook, maybe he can prepare Sunday dinners. If he's mechanically inclined, ask the new parents if there are a few things that need repair. If he's a writer, maybe he can start a journal recording your grandbaby's milestones. Use his skills to get him involved.

Helping your husband feel heard and included should resolve your problem. But also, make sure you don't overdo it with the grandbaby. What the baby needs most are grandparents who are lovingly connected to one another. Carve out time for your husband that nourishes your relationship with each other, and your grandchild will be one lucky baby.