My 6-year-old grandson has trouble taking direction from me, especially if I need to be firm with him. He insists I am being mean, and resorts to crying and saying, "You're a grandma, you should know better than to yell at your grandchildren!" I don’t yell, but I do sometimes need to be firm with him, and he argues until I send him to his room. He doesn’t seem to understand that when I’m taking care of him — which my husband and I are going to be doing more — he needs to cooperate. He has wonderful parents and is disciplined appropriately by them, although his mom seems to have the same problem I do. Help!
Kids who are strong in spirit but more sensitive than the average child bring a wealth of gifts to those around them — they’re creative, perceptive, and engaging. They can also require gentler handling than their thicker-skinned counterparts.
Think of each human being as surrounded by invisible padding. For some, the padding can be as thick as a brick wall, and for others, it’s paper thin. When a child has a thick skin, she’s relatively impervious to things that would upset a more sensitive child. If at recess, Sara and Jennifer approach tough-skinned Daisy saying, "We don’t feel like playing with you today," Daisy will simply run off and find someone else to play with. But a more sensitive child will often spend the rest of recess brooding or even crying by herself. She may not even want to go back to school the next day; for Daisy, the incident was of no consequence.
It’s thought that about 15 to 20 percent of children are on the highly sensitive end of the spectrum, and about 15 to 20 percent are on the very thick-skinned end of it. The rest are somewhere in the middle.
For a sensitive child, when someone is speaking in a loud voice or using a firm tone it can feel like yelling. Time-outs can make him feel anxious and rejected. You should discipline your grandson, but keep in mind that there are equally effective ways to enlist his cooperation without resorting to an approach that creates unnecessary drama and discord.
For the most part, kids resist being bossed around. It’s actually a good instinct, guaranteeing that little children won’t follow or take direction from strangers. One of the best ways to encourage cooperation is to work from the attachment that exists between the two of you.
Connect, then direct: A strategy to get a "yes" to the request
Rather than holler a request from far away, approach him for a minute and make a connection. “It looks like you’re having fun building with Legos, sweetie. What a tall tower that is! Let’s head down to supper, and you can tell me what you’re going to build next"
Grandma: Honey, you sure look like you’re having fun there!
Grandson: Sure am!
Grandma: You’ve probably got all kinds of ideas for what to add on next.
Grandson: Yep! I think I’m gonna add a garage over here.
Grandma: I’ll bet you’d rather do this than finish up your homework.
Grandson: You’ve got that right!
Grandma: Hey, let’s figure out a way to get your math done so you can come back to this awesome project!
By approaching him as an ally, not an adversary, and letting him know you understand that he’d prefer to build than do his math worksheet, he’s going to be more willing to go along with your request.
Eyes on me
Before you ask your grandson to do something, have him look at you when you make the request. And be brief: Make sure you’re not giving him a long list of instructions to remember all at once.
Instead of trying to convince your grandson that you’re in charge when he’s in your care, try utilizing these ideas to genuinely be in charge. In the same way that the captain of a ship avoids icebergs and stormy weather, you’ll avoid many problems with your grandson’s resistance by appealing to his innate desire to do what you ask.
Take our quiz to find out how your style of discipline measures up. Also, visit Who's In Charge Here? for more good tips. Got another dilemma? Find the answer and more of Susan's great advice in our Ask the Therapist section.
Home
