Four years ago, my son passed away. We hadn’t spoken for years even before his untimely death and the only contact I had with his daughter, now 18 years old, was through cards and checks, which I recently discovered were never given to her. Now, she’s begun to reach out to me through a phone call. I’ve called her back twice, and she said she couldn’t talk at the moment. I’m reluctant to call her again because her mother has given every impression of not wanting me to be a presence in their lives. I have had several heart attacks, am on oxygen 24/7, and am unable to travel. Can you help me?
Your story is one of so much loss and pain; I’m sorry for the many challenges you and your loved ones have gone through over the years. As you undoubtedly know, this is a very complicated situation. I would like to address what appear to be the two primary issues: Your daughter-in-law’s apparent discomfort with you as a presence in her daughter’s life, and your granddaughter’s recent show of interest in having a relationship with you.
I imagine your granddaughter’s unexpected phone call might have awakened all kinds of emotions in you, including a longing to connect with her, sadness at the ways she may remind you of your son, confusion upon discovering she didn’t receive your cards and checks, and frustration at her mother’s decision to keep you at a distance.
With all the feelings that may have gotten stirred up, you may have finished that initial conversation with a desire to do whatever you can to keep the connection alive. While
| “Extending the olive branch would be an important gesture, and might lessen any resistance.” |
I hope you can become a part of your granddaughter’s life, it’s important that you keep in mind her situation. You may be right about your daughter-in-law’s reluctance to include you in her daughter’s life, especially given the fact that it sounds like she didn’t deliver your cards and checks to your granddaughter.
Although your granddaughter is now 18 and legally released from any restrictions her mother might have imposed about contacting you, it would still be best to avoid going behind her back to communicate. Why don’t you write your daughter-in-law a short note? You might acknowledge whatever ways you may have contributed to the estrangement between you, without requiring her to do the same. Perhaps an apology is called for. Extending the olive branch would be an important gesture, and might lessen any resistance she may harbor to her daughter having a relationship with you. This would be especially true if you were able to address whatever grievances she may have with you from the past.
Regardless of how — or whether — your daughter-in-law responds to your letter, you will both know that you tried to include her in the process of connecting with your granddaughter.
Bear in mind that talking with you may have been emotional for your granddaughter as well. You are the father of her father, who she may miss very much. I would suggest giving her a little time to digest the experience of talking with you before calling her again. But I do recommend trying again to reach out to her. Since you’re unsure about whether her mother delivers things you send by mail — although that may change if you establish polite contact with her — it sounds like calling your granddaughter on the phone is your best bet.
If you’re comfortable doing so, I would also suggest that you share with your daughter-in-law and granddaughter the health issues you’re dealing with that might restrict your ability to travel or attend important family events.
I hope that you all can come to the forgiveness and acceptance about events of the past, clear up misunderstandings as best you can, and move ahead. It’s very possible that your daughter-in-law is ready to move on. Who knows? She might have even encouraged her daughter to make that initial call to you!
My heartfelt wishes for healing and renewed connection are with you and your granddaughter.
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