Susan Stiffelman, our former "Ask the Therapist" columnist, is the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected (Morgan James, 2009), from which this article is adapted. A marriage and family therapist (MFT), she has become a source of advice and support for parents and grandparents through her private practice, public presentations, and website.
Childhood is full of frustrating moments. Nature has designed life in such a way as to guarantee that children will have their wishes denied many times a day. Kids are small, physically disadvantaged, in need of support that isn't always available, and desirous of all sorts of things that their caretakers determine aren't good for them.
As loving grandparents, we hate it when our grandkids cry, and we'll jump through hoops to keep their tears at bay. We buy them the toys they can't live without, force their big sisters to play Barbies with them, or let them stay up late even though we know they'll be tired the next day. We justify our manipulations of people, events, and rules on our grandchildren's behalf in the false belief that when we eliminate their frustrations, we're demonstrating our love. But the truth is, when we prevent children from experiencing frustration, we're keeping them from developing the vital life skill of learning to adapt, which is an ability they'll need throughout their adult lives.
Let Them Have Their Tears
Rather than coldly admonishing children to "deal with it" when they're upset, adults need to help frustrated children along to what psychologist Gordon Neufeld calls the Wall of Futility. Children need to feel their real feelings of sadness and find their tears. And when children, often with your help, can come to their tears about whatever they want and can't have, or whatever is broken and can't be fixed, they become able to move on to adapt.
When we prime children's tears, softening our voice and acknowledging how hurt they're feeling because big sister said "I don't want to play with you," we help their disappointment find expression and release. Once the tears come, children are soon off and running, looking for something or someone else to play with, but this time with one more successful adaptation under their belts. They have discovered that while life may not always unfold to their liking, they can adapt to it and find their way back to joy.
When we intervene because children are frustrated believing we're doing so out of love and care we prevent them from learning the lesson of adaptation. As a result, when they experience something upsetting later in life, either they will demand that circumstances bend to their will or they will become aggressive. They will become adults who cannot cope when things don't conform to their liking like people who demand recompense when they're disappointed or who numb themselves with substances or distractions just so they can handle life's more difficult moments.
Think about difficult times in your own life. Whether it's a relationship, a promotion, or a million other circumstances that don't unfold as we had hoped, our ability to live joyful and successful lives depends on our ability to adapt. Often it's only when we find our tears, when we hit the Wall of Futility, that we can accept and carry on. One of the greatest gifts we can give children is the ability to find their tears when they're frustrated. Tears actually release stress hormones and toxins as usual, Mother Nature knows what she's doing.
What happens when children don't feel their sadness or find their tears, and we don't bend the world to their liking? Unresolved frustration produces aggression. Verbally or physically, children who are prevented from getting what they want and who lack the ability to adapt will become aggressive. And when we "up the ante" and punish children by taking more and more things away, we simply move them toward either increasing their aggressive behavior or hardening their hearts.
How to Approach Frustrated Children
When children are frustrated, it's not a good time to teach, advise, or lecture. Children cannot process what you're saying when they're upset, and the onslaught of words you deliver to try to convince them to see things a different way just aggravates them more. Think of it this way: Language is a function of the left brain, but feelings originate in the right. When children are stuck in the storm of emotions whirling around in their right brains, they don't have access to their verbal, logical left brains, which might be able to make sense of or benefit from your well-meaning suggestions. In a sense, your efforts to cool kids down by offering rational suggestions is like knocking on a door when nobody's home.
| What do you do when your grandkids get frustrated? |
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I let them cry; they can't get their way every time 45.5%
I give them what they want; I'm not their parent 2.0%
I try to talk them down; sometimes it works 48.2%
If they start whining, it's straight into time-out 4.3%
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We should all embrace the idea that there's value in helping the children in our lives chalk up another adaptation, knowing that each time they do, they're adding to an internal reservoir of confidence and resourcefulness that will help them navigate life's ups and downs.
Parents and grandparents often miss the forest for the trees, wanting kids to be or at least appear to be happy in the moment, without considering the cost. When children grow up believing that they can really be happy only if events in their lives unfold in the particular way they want them to, they become adults unable to cope with experiences outside their control, and they suffer as a result. Parents and grandparents who help kids learn the essential life skill of adaptation give them a priceless gift the means to be happy regardless of whether people, events, or circumstances conform to their expectations.
Yes, It Works
Not long ago my son was urged to attend an extended-family member's birthday party on the very last day of the school year. I was aware that he and his buddies had lined up something fun to do, but I stayed out of it, leaving the decision about attending the party up to him. He decided to go to the birthday, and when we passed by some of his friends who were on their way to an end-of-school celebration, I asked him if he was okay with not hanging out with his buddies. "There'll be other times, Mom. I'm cool." It was as simple as that. The kid had surpassed his mom (that would be me) in his ability to slip right into adaptation. He insists on enjoying his life and has chosen not to "sweat the small stuff."
When we raise kids by modeling our own adaptation and help them "hit the wall" when they're stuck, we equip them with the ability to surf life's ups and downs with their eye on the prize of enjoying every moment of their precious lives.
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