Is Attention Deficit Disorder an Excuse to Misbehave?
My daughter and her husband say that both their sons have Attention Deficit Disorder. Isn’t that just a fad?
by Susan Stiffelman
They let their kids get away with just about anything, and blame it on ADD. Their kids don’t eat right, and they stay up late. I think the parents need to do more to get their misbehaving children on track and not excuse their bad behavior on ADD.
I’m so glad you’ve raised this question. Working with what I call the “ADD’ish” population is one of my subspecialties, and I’m always glad to help dispel some of the myths about what Attention Deficit Disorder is — and is not.
Because my private practice is in Malibu, Calif., I work with many families who are connected to the entertainment industry, which means they are a creative lot. Quite often, these individuals — and their children — fall somewhere on the ADD spectrum. I see chronic challenges with organization, memory, mood stability, impulse control, planning, distractibility, and focus: what are called executive functions of the brain.
There is no blood test for ADD. Generally, a diagnosis is made by evaluating checklists (completed by parents and teachers), taking a family history, and doing a thorough medical assessment. In addition, most professionals administer a CPT — Continuous Performance Test — to get a standardized score of attention.
Despite the difficulties in diagnosing ADD, I believe there are children and adults who have legitimate neurological challenges that make paying attention, managing impulses, and staying organized more challenging.
That said, it does not mean that the ADD label should be used as an excuse for poor behavior. Parents whose children have been legitimately diagnosed with ADD (or Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder), can benefit greatly from learning more about it. The general consensus is that these children need help developing strategies to help them stay focused, including organizational tools, memory aids, and things like sitting at the front of the class.
Sleep, diet, and nutrition can often make things much better — or worse. I advise my clients to minimize a child’s intake of sugar and simple carbohydrates, and encourage them to make sure the child is getting adequate protein and complex carbs, plenty of sleep, and omega-3 fish oils.
If your grandsons have ADD, it’s important that their parents help them learn how to manage their impulsive behaviors. The boys need to develop accountability for their actions, and may need some extra help in learning how to think before they act or react.
Without coming off as a know-it-all, I would encourage you to let your daughter know that you’ve been learning a bit about ADD. Start by commiserating with her; let her know you’re aware she’s got her hands full with those two active boys, and tone down your judgments about what you consider to be her parenting mistakes. Let her know you’re on her side, rather than criticizing her for how she’s raised her boys.
By coming alongside your daughter, you’ll greatly increase the chance that she’ll be receptive to what you learn about ADD. Offer to do research about it online, or buy her a book or CD that can help her with practical tips and strategies. There are many.
Finally, know that true ADD often shows up elsewhere in the family tree. It may well be that your daughter or son-in-law have the grownup version of ADD, which might contribute to their challenges in structuring life for their kids.
Rather than viewing ADD as a disorder, I prefer to see it as an inconvenience. Best-selling author and radio personality Thom Hartmann describes it as being a hunter in a farmer’s world. (Hunters benefit from being distractible and impulsive, while farmers are good at being consistent with the ordinary, repetitive tasks of life.)
By educating yourself and your daughter’s family, you’ll help remove the blame and shame from this situation, and create room to discover your grandsons’ spontaneity, creativity, and sweetness.
5 comments so far...
| i agree with this comment but it also is hard when you know that when you work with kids with this problem 9 times out of 10 most of these kids are from a divorce family and the father are not wanting to admitt that there kids have this problem and the controling the issue doesn't help and the meds for this does work but it takes 2 parents and family to work with it as well.
|
|
| there should be a way to forward articles from this website to concerned individuals whether family or others. I found this one extremely informative and there's no way to send it.
|
abby on 10/10/08 at 08:27 AM
|
Flag as inappropriate
|
|
|
| oops! Just returned to the top an found a "send", happy to see it.
|
abby on 10/10/08 at 08:29 AM
|
Flag as inappropriate
|
|
|
| Hello,
I am not sure what category this goes in. My daughter is a foster mother who has recently adopted 3 boys.She is having many problems with the 10 year old.He was diagnosed with ADHD and is very disrespectful, has violent tendencies and even tried to hurt himself. If he is asked to do his chores,his homework or anything he "doesn't feel like doing" he has major tantrums. He will scream and scream. My daughter has even been advised to remove him from the house (to the porch or backyard) until he is ready to stop his screaming.He sees several counselors and was even kept in a childrens hospital to try and regulate his meds. it worked for awhile and now it is as bad as ever. He doesn't seem to have any remorse for upsetting the whole family. I was wondering if you have any suggestions for her?
Thanks for your time,
Kelsey
if you like you may email me at kelsey42261@yahoo.com.
I would appreciate any thoughts you have.
|
|
| Kelsey, I want to reassure you and your daughter that these problems are happening around the country. I commend your daughter for becoming and foster mother and adopting 3 children. I assume she was a foster mother for the 10 yr old, prior to the adoption. Was he out of control during that time also? Are his biological parents alive? My grandsons have no remorse either. Their father lives 12 hours away, in another State. He called after release from prison and inpatient rehab. He told me he wanted to see his 5 & 6 yr old sons. He wanted to take them places and had a whole week to go camping, to amusement parks and the beach. The 5 yr old didn't remember him. The 6 yr old does, as his Dad called sporatically over the years. (This was my daughter's ex-husband.) I wanted them to know their father. Hmm. It was 12 hrs. down and 12 hrs back of pure hell, and the father hasn't changed 1 bit. He's still a drug addict. He spent very little time with the children and was a very poor parent. The 5 yr old called his grandmother a "F...in' liar!" "F...in' bitch" when he met her. She was devastated! My daughters had diagnosed ADHD as children, but I channeled it. I never had any problems with them. However, my oldest daughter, as a newborn, NEVER NAPPED, EXCEPT 1 HOUR INTERVALS, and I breastfed. A few months later, she stopped napping, but did sleep at night. The pediatrician said "some babies are like that." OMG - EXHAUSTING! Please tell your daughter, that the neighbors who hear the screaming children, the school who hear these children tell their "imaginative" stories (they are usually highly intelligent children), and CPS who responds to the neighbors reports with 2-second visits, and witness the children's "active" behavior, do NOT understand. I have 3 children and babysat for years. I have never encountered children like my 2 grandson's, and dearly love, but no longer take them out ANYWHERE. They're so out of control.
|
|
Home
