My Daughter-in-Law Is Jealous

I have a feeling that my daughter-in-law is jealous of the close relationship that I have with my 8-year-old granddaughter. I remember the same dynamics in my family with my mother and grandmother. In both cases, they are women who had no grandparent relationships. Any advice? Signed, Nanadale

Thank you for this important question, Nanadale. From having worked with many parents and grandparents, I know that you’re not alone in dealing with this rather awkward situation.

I believe Nature never intended parents to be children’s only adult attachments. Historically and culturally speaking, it’s clear that we’re meant to raise our children in villages, where they have the opportunity to forge close and loving attachments with aunties, uncles, grandparents and other members of the tribe. In my opinion, the greater the number of healthy adult connections children have, the better off they are.

AND, in contemporary society, it’s less common for children to have extremely close relationships with grandparents. Geography plays a role in this shift; children head off to college and often end up settling down in a town far from where they were raised, resulting in grandparents who see their grandchildren only a few times a year. Sometimes divorce and remarriage can affect how often a grandparent sees a grandchild. And generally speaking, the hectic lives of parents and their children—not to mention Grandma and Grandpa’s busy schedules—can make it logistically challenging for grandchildren to forge close bonds with their grandparents.

So what was once the norm—grandparents who were a constant presence and vital fixture in their grandkids’ lives—is often the exception. And as you’ve pointed out, if parents didn’t grow up close to their own grandparents, they may not intuitively know how to accommodate their children’s grandparents as integral parts of their lives. But it can be done.

You’ve accomplished something wonderful by having a close connection with your granddaughter, so I applaud you. But you need to manage your daughter-in-law’s discomfort—if you’re right about it—so you can continue to be an important presence in your granddaughter’s life.

Let’s think of this problem from a few angles. First, if you’re willing, I’d like to invite you to consider whether you’re doing things to encourage a closer relationship between your granddaughter and her mother...or subtly sabotaging it. No blame here—I’m just asking you to be aware of things that might favor you over your daughter-in-law in your granddaughter’s eyes. Make sure you’re not breaking Mom’s rules behind her back, for instance, when you’re taking care of your granddaughter. Whether you agree with your daughter-in-law or not, be careful not to sabotage her rightful place as the child’s parent, lest you fuel her ill feelings toward you.

Do all you can to show your granddaughter how much you care about your daughter-in-law. Talk about her mother in ways that emphasize her wonderful qualities and interesting talents. Help the child see some of her mother’s unique characteristics; in other words, do what you can to play matchmaker between your granddaughter and her mother. It won’t lessen the child’s affection for you, but it could help foster a closer mother-daughter connection, which is in everyone’s best interest.

Also, consider the possibility that your daughter-in-law’s jealousy of your relationship with your granddaughter might lessen if she felt closer to you herself. I realize this isn’t always easy; women and mothers-in-law can have notoriously difficult relationships for a multitude of reasons. But it can be done. I think that, rather than trying to confront your daughter-in-law directly, which will probably simply create a defensive reaction, your best bet is to look to fortify your relationship with her directly. It might be more enjoyable for your son’s wife to watch her daughter doting on Grandma if she also felt she had a close and loving connection with you.

What do you like about your daughter-in-law? Let her know—sincerely—that you see her as a special person who’s an important part of your life. What do the two of you have in common? Look for opportunities to capitalize on any interests you share.

If you strengthen your connection to your granddaughter’s mother, build her up in her little girl’s eyes and make it clear that you’re an ally rather than an adversary, your daughter-in-law’s jealousy should naturally subside.

All three of you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain!