My Grandson Is a Picky Eater

by Susan Stiffelman

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Why is my grandson so picky? When he doesn't want to eat what's being served, my daughter gets up from the table and makes him a grilled cheese sandwich like it's a restaurant. At my house, it was eat what was served, or don’t eat. It was that simple.

I’d venture to say that the most challenging thing about being a grandparent is watching our adult kids parent in ways in which we don’t agree. Our feelings about their parenting style might range from mild disapproval to complete outrage and disbelief. I’ve never met a grandparent who doesn’t disagree at least now and again with how his or her adult children are raising their kids.

What to do? Should we hold our tongue and watch them make mistakes that we believe are harming their children? Should we speak up at all costs, disregarding the potential fallout? Should we secretly try to address the problem, talking with their spouse behind their back, or even with the child directly?

Grandparents.com readers, you are cordially invited to weigh in on this question: What do you do when your son or daughter makes what you consider to be poor parenting decisions?

Here’s my answer: Unless the issue is life-threatening, do all you can to relax and enjoy your daughter and grandson’s company when you’re all together, and hold your tongue if you disapprove of her making dinner number two. While you might easily justify all the reasons she’s making a mistake by encouraging what you consider to be your grandson’s pickiness, realize that while you’re sitting there stewing about it, you’re missing out on the chance to enjoy their company.

Just as it’s true that the plant we water grows much more than the one we neglect, I believe that when we focus on the positive it can genuinely shift our negative feelings. As tempting as it is to throw in a comment (or at least drop a hint) to your daughter as she caters to your grandson, what would happen if you made a deliberate effort — in that very moment — to look for something she’s doing right?

Rather than letting yourself get hot and bothered by what we might all justify as a poor parenting decision, you might find yourself naturally cooling down if you shift your attention to the many ways your daughter is a wonderful mom.

And if you let her know the ways you admire her parenting, you’ll be putting money in the emotional bank account so that when she does do something you consider worthy of discussing (and that very well might be the second dinner she makes her son), she’ll be far more receptive to your point of view.

Grandparents get into trouble with their grown kids about advice-giving when they offer criticism too readily and don’t counterbalance with enough positive messages. Your kids are still your kids, whether they’re 7 or 37, and they still have powerful instincts to react negatively to your disapproval.

So let your daughter know all the ways you think she’s a fantastic parent, and if you still feel strongly that she’s making a big mistake, find another time — without your grandson present — to talk with her about your views. Deliver your opinion with tact and kindness and then listen with respect. She may open up and tell you she’s simply too tired to argue with her son about dinner, finding it easier to make him a sandwich. She may be worried that he’s too thin, and is convinced that giving in to his pickiness is better than his not eating at all.

Give her room to make her parenting choices with as much support as you can offer, and most of all, don’t let it become a source of tension that keeps you from enjoying your time together.

Readers: Let’s hear from you!