Parenting Books vs. Parents' Advice: Which One Wins?
Why do my kids believe everything in those parenting books and never believe me? I mean, I lived this. I raised them. What gives?
by Susan Stiffelman
One of the most frustrating things about being a parent is having our children refuse our wise and caring counsel. As you’ve pointed out, it feels natural to want to share what we’ve gathered along the road of our own parenting journey when our kids finally become parents themselves; there’s something awfully sweet about having our grown children wanting our input as they bring up their own little ones.
Just as you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink, it’s impossible to force loved ones to take our advice when they don’t want it.
It can hurt when it seems that your kids favor what they read in parenting books over the guidance you offer, but we can lessen the sting by helping you see this situation from another vantage point.
While some aspects of raising good kids remain unchanged from one generation to the next, as we learn more about child development we also discover that we can do things differently — and better — than the generations before us. This doesn’t mean that your experience and insights are outdated. In fact, some of them may be more valid than anything currently in vogue. But it cannot be denied that what we now know about learning style, brain development, discipline, and behavior has allowed parents an easier time in raising healthy children than if they only stuck with the approaches of previous generations.
As parents make choices about how to respond to their children’s needs, they are called upon to blend the ways they were parented with new information and, most important, their own instincts. Although you may remember deferring to your own parents for advice when your children were little, chances are you also tossed in whatever theories or ideas were floating around back then, as well as your own intuition about what was best for your children.
I would invite you to take a look your statement, “My kids believe everything in these parenting books and never believe me.” Is it possible that there are some ways they parent that are in sync with your style? Can you know for sure that they act on everything they read in a parenting book and on nothing that you’ve contributed to their repertoire of parenting skills? Have you made their use of books mean they never value your input? Is it really as black and white as you’re suggesting?
Your kids would likely be more receptive to your advice if they didn’t believe you were quite as invested in their acting on it. You may naturally awaken their desire to ask you for suggestions if they don’t get the feeling that you’ll be hurt if they decide not to use your ideas.
Perhaps your question has less to do with your adult kids’ reliance on parenting books and more to do with your desire to stay closely connected to your grandchildren as they grow up. If that’s the case, focus on looking for opportunities to spend time with your grown children and their little ones in a relaxed way, putting aside the desire to make helpful suggestions or offer advice. From time to time, you may find them asking you what you’d do… when you least expect it.
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