My Teen Granddaughter Is Pregnant
I blame her inattentive parents for letting this happen
by Susan Stiffelman
My 17-year-old granddaughter is pregnant. My son and his wife are doing their best to support her, but they are torn up about it, knowing the tremendous uphill struggle she's going to face. I’m furious that they let this happen — they’ve been distracted with their own life issues — and as much as I want to support my granddaughter, I’m furious with her, too. Any advice?
A blessing — and a curse — of growing older is the fact that we have a more somber understanding of the implications of impulsive decisions. When we’re young, it's easy to move through life as though we're immortal and bulletproof; it’s nearly impossible to grasp the long-term ramifications of our actions. But as we mature, it becomes clear that seemingly innocent choices can alter the course of our lives.
As a loving grandmother, it's difficult to manage your worry and disappointment. It sounds like it’s hard for you not only to support your granddaughter, but also your son and his wife, given your thoughts that they somehow failed to properly supervise their daughter.
I will not try to argue you out of your feelings of anger and fury. When we feel helpless or upset, it’s normal to look for someone to blame. I imagine you could list the many ways your granddaughter has ruined her life. And you could also make a case that this situation could have been avoided if your son and daughter-in-law had been more attentive.
| Is your grandchild sexually active? |
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Yes; s/he's completely out of control. 23.1%
Yes; s/he's being responsible about it. 15.4%
It's just starting. 15.4%
S/he hasn't gone down this road. Yet. 46.2%
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As true as these thoughts might be, when you keep thinking this way, your blood pressure rises, you get knots in your stomach, and you end up robbed of your equanimity. Of equal importance, when these negative, "if only" thoughts take root in your mind, you're left with no room in your heart for hope or love.
There is no way to ignore the fact that your granddaughter has a challenging road ahead. But you are now faced with an important decision: Do you want to stay trapped in a cycle of anger, blame, and disappointment, or do you want to find a path to acceptance and forgiveness, so you can offer your granddaughter and her parents the support they need?
You're not dealing with an actual death, but you are faced with the death of the dreams you had for your granddaughter. Whether you imagined her going to a wonderful college — which you now fear may be harder for her with a baby in tow — or you’ve always held a picture-perfect image of her wedding day, you are facing the loss of what you thought your granddaughter’s life would look like as she matured into a young woman.
When people cannot move beyond their anger, I find it useful to refer to the stages of grief outlined by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Although we don’t necessarily move through them sequentially, we will experience all these stages when we’re grieving if we’re eventually to arrive at Acceptance. This requires not only getting in touch with the anger you’re experiencing, but also acknowledging the sorrow that comes when you fully face the reality of your loss.
I encourage you to feel your anger and your sadness, and to give yourself the gift of moving to Acceptance. While your granddaughter’s life is irrevocably changed, no one — including yourself — will benefit by perpetuating the blame.
Work through these difficult emotions of loss with a trusted friend or counselor, and find your way toward forgiveness. With caring parents and her loving grandmother’s support, your granddaughter will forge a new path for her life — one that reflects wisdom, maturity, and the humility that will allow her to receive important guidance from her family.
For more on family quandaries, read what to do when disaster strikes.
8 comments so far...
| Please remember if you are showing that disappointment toward your granddaughter you may not get the opportunity to see that beautiful life she is going to bring in this unpredictable word. Believe me your grandaughter know what she's done now it's up to you if you are going to be there for the long struggle as well. I am not giving this advise with a blind eye I was a young parent too and I was isolated from everyone having to have my child alone. I hope this be a little help to you because the one thing I know she didn't want to do is disappoint her parents but it's nothing to know that you disappointed your grandparents. God Bless
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| I just wrote a message with a question and left the name Queenie in CT . My name is Munchie from South Glastonbury, CT./
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| Hello I am a 47 year old mother of 5. I became a mother at 17 and was unwed. I will tell you though. My mom was dissapointed and showed it. She was ashamed of me. My grandma however showed me unconditional love and support. My children were always loved and welcome into her house and my oldest who is now 30 adored her. She lived to be 101 and she enriched the lives of my children so much. THe path I chose was not easy. However I raised my son and he has given me two beautiful grandchildren. I have an MBA and work for a large company. That baby that I had when I was 17 is one my best friends and has always been my right hand. He has turned out to be a wonderful man. Did we always have lots of money? No. Did I have to work many hours to provide for him? Yes sometimes. However one message I got from my grandma was that it was ok to hold my head up. I am not ashamed of myself or my son. I am extremely proud of both of us.
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| I was pregnant at 17. My Mother was so mean and nasty to me, calling me names and not letting me tell anyone I was pregnant until I was showing. My husband of now 45 years was in the Marines in Boot Camp at the time and was home within a week to marry me as we went together for abt 2 yrs in High School. The day we were married she said ,"it will never last." When I got married I was not allowed to tell anyone, for fear they would know I was pregnant before I was showing, so my entire pregnany was pure agony. A young Marine traveling constantly was unable to take a wife and baby with him, and my allotment was $125.00 a month so guess where I had to live? When my blood test came back that I was pregnant I smiled , well I got a slap across the face for that, and so on and so on. Anyway, didn't this tiny baby turn out to be a fine young man, he also ended up being (get this ) her pet. So life sure is funny. As a grandmother, I'd be a Grandmother and be there for your Granddaughter so she has someone to listen to her, I had No One, let her parents be the parents and handle that part of her life. I truly hope my Granddaughters don't go down that path, but if they do, I will be a loving compassionate listener for her, I will not be her parent.I will definately not ever treat her the way I was treated. My Mother was from Scotland and an orphan at 7, and I do realize she had old fashion ways, but I have forgiven her in my heart and have missed her for Motherly advise over the years. I do wish your family and your Granddaughter lots of luck with one of(Godsgifts) Godsgifts
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| I know it can be disappointing to have a child or grandchild pregnant and unwed. my daughter wound up that way except older, and now my son will be a dad at nineteen. i do not agree with what they have done but i love them just the same. also i am supporting them both with their children. my daughter is living with me and i babysit my grandson why she goes to college and works part-time. my granddaughter who wi9ll be born in june i will help to babysit her while mom and dad work and also my son goes to school. when my sons girlfriend's mom found out she was pregnant she told her to have an abortion. i told my son to tell her i would raise the baby not to kill it. the thing you need to remember is she will need your support and love and that little great grandbaby will need your unconditional love no matter what. he/she is an innocent child in this matter.
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