Should I Tell My Grandkids About My Illness?
My sons both feel I shouldn't scare my grandkids (ages 8, 9, and 11) but I am afraid that if something happens to me, it would have been better if I had prepared them.
by Susan Stiffelman
This is a delicate and important question, and I admire you for so lovingly thinking of your family. It would be wise to tell your grandchildren that you are dealing with a serious medical condition, but I would only do this if you can get your sons to understand why this would be in their children's best interest. Remember, though, your sons do know their children better than you do, and are very aware of how much information the children can process without their being frightened.
If you tell your grandchildren that you are very ill, they will need their parents to help them sort out the worries, fears, and concerns that will come up. It would be irresponsible — and disrespectful — to force that task upon your sons and their partners if they feel you shouldn't have brought the subject up with their children in the first place. Start with an honest conversation with your kids.
Here's another angle to ponder: Your children might be reluctant to tell their children about the severity of your illness because it scares them. They may need time to come to grips with their own feelings and express their own fear along with the sense of powerlessness they may feel at being unable to make you well. In a sense, we are always children when it comes to our parents. Listen to your kids with an open heart and a quiet mind, whether they focus on their own feelings of worry, or they simply talk about their reasons for wanting to protect their children. Is there a chance that your chidren think you aren't that sick and telling the grandkids would needlessly upset them? If so, defer to your sons without rushing to explain why you disagree.
| “Your children might be reluctant to tell their children about the severity of your illness because it scares them” |
Overall, it's usually wise to gently include children in the realities of serious medical situations rather than trying to shelter them. It could be a comfort to you to have your grandkids speak directly with you about your condition in a hopeful but honest way. Children have a sixth sense for the truth. They know what's going on, even when we don't talk about it. While they may not be aware of the seriousness of your condition, they probably know something's not kosher. It's
more compassionate to bring things into the open with care. Any turn in your condition for the worse would also be a good time to prepare your grandchildren for dealing with your serious illness. There would still be sufficient time to share your feelings with them and with their parents — as a unit.
If your sons cannot give you their blessings to discuss your health with their children, make your peace with that and let it go. Defer to their judgment about whether the kids are ready to deal with the possibility of losing a grandparent. You can write a long letter to each of your grandchildren, sharing some of the things you'd like them to know and remember. Or you can make a video recording of yourself for them to keep. Should something unexpected happen to you, trust that they will carry you in their hearts always.
Home
