The Uninvolved and Detached Son-in-Law
My son-in-law doesn't seem to be actively involved in his children's lives. This really bothers me. What can I do or say to help the situation?
by Susan Stiffelman
There is little you can do to change anyone other than yourself. Your son-in-law is a product of his childhood, temperament, beliefs, and life experience. Your idea that he should be someone other than who he is will only leave you feeling frustrated. And your attitude could leave him with the sense that he's not living up to your expectations.
This doesn't mean he can't change; it just means you can't make him.
It sounds like you care very much about your grandchildren, and that it pains you to see them having less attention from their father than you think they deserve. I'm guessing you feel bad, not only for your grandson and granddaughter, but also for your son-in-law. It isn't easy watching him miss out on the joy that comes from being a fully engaged parent.
You may have been very involved as you raised your daughter, and it's difficult watching your grandkids — and their father — being deprived of the pleasure that comes from a close connection. It's like watching someone decline a fantastic piece of chocolate cake; you just want to say, "Dig in! Enjoy every crumb!"
Still, your son-in-law is who he is, and what I know is that if you push against someone, they push back. If you lecture him about his parenting deficiencies, it
| “If you lecture him about his parenting deficiencies, it will probably prompt a defensive reaction.” |
will probably prompt a defensive reaction. He might explain how busy he is at work, trying to provide well for his family. Or he might tell you he is very involved, citing examples of things he does with his children that, in your mind, don't amount to a whole lot. And since you're not in your daughter's house 24/7, you really don't know what kind of overall relationship your son-in-law has with your grandkids. Who's to say, he doesn't comfort them when they have bad dreams, play catch with them in the park, or just sit with them and watch TV?
Don't complain to your daughter about her husband, it will put her in an uncomfortable position. While you may not be "butting in," I think your daughter and her husband might become very self-conscious if they felt you were evaluating them whenever you come to visit.
Here's what you can do. You can be an active and loving presence in your grandchildrens' lives by visiting more frequently or calling them on the phone more often and e-mailing.
You can become a safe place for them to talk about things they may not bring up with their parents. If they complain about their father, make sure you don't join in the blame-game with them. The greatest gift you can give your grandkids (or your daughter) if they mention negative feelings about your son-in-law is to simply let them feel heard. Be careful not to put their father down; your grandchildren are part of him (50 percent to be exact), so if you criticize him, you're criticizing them, as well.
Offer your caring presence to your daughter and grandkids, and you will be giving them something invaluable. And accept your son-in-law with love just as he is; you might inspire him to step up his involvement. As he sees you being fully present, playing with and talking to his children, invite him to join in, without an undercurrent of judgment. He just might. By showing your son-in-law what acceptance and loving involvement look like, you'll accomplish more than any critique of his parenting would.
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