The Meaning of No

by Susan Stiffelman

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Why doesn’t my grandchild know the meaning of no? She looks at me like I’m speaking a foreign language when I dare say, “No, don’t do that.”

Clearly your granddaughter isn’t used to being told “no.” As to why she doesn’t know the meaning of the word, my guess is that it has something to do with her mother and father’s chosen parenting style.

Let’s look at what happens to children when they hear “N-O.” Nature has given children and adults a built-in resistance to being bossed around. Something in us seems to automatically put our fists up and prepare for a fight when we’re told “You can’t do [or have] that!” In fact, the very fact that something is forbidden tends to make us want it even more; we’re drawn to what we can’t have like a moth to the flame.

So although “no” is the simplest way to convey that something is not allowed, your granddaughter’s parents may routinely use other ways to get her to cooperate without waking up that oppositional part of her brain.

One of my favorite strategies is to say, “Yes, after…” If the child says, “Can I have a cookie?,” instead of saying no, you say, “Yes, after you’ve had your supper.” If she asks if she can ride the merry-go-round one more time you say, “Yes, the very next time we come back to the park.” And if she asks if she can stay up until midnight you say, “Yes, when you’re 21!”

So it may be that your granddaughter doesn’t get it when you say no because her parents use less combative ways of getting her to cooperate, instead of awakening her natural resistance to coercion.

Then again, it could also be true that her folks are overindulgent and afraid to upset their little girl. If this is the case, I caution you to exercise restraint.

When your granddaughter is with you, gently let her know what is and isn’t allowed and stand calmly by your position. If she cries — which may be normal when she’s upset — rather than lecturing, stay quietly with her and offer your comfort. When we help a child feel her sadness and frustration, she’s able to move through and adapt to disappointment.

Your son or daughter might observe you doing this and pick up the hint. But if you believe your granddaughter’s parents don’t say no when they ought to, and that they allow her to behave in ways you don’t approve, be careful about trying to correct them. The only time any of us truly takes advice to heart is when we’ve asked for it. And asking for advice only happens when we think we have a problem.