When Disaster Strikes

How can I help my grandchildren who are still very anxious after the recent California wildfires?

During and after any disaster it’s important to help children with the fears and worries that come from their sense of safety being so dramatically challenged. Grandchildren’s reactions to such tragedies and their aftermath — such as wildfires, collapsing bridges, terrorism, and the like — are largely influenced by observing how their parents, grandparents, and others near and dear to them cope during and after the events, and by having the opportunity to freely express their anxiety and concern.

Here are some tips that can help ease the situation for you and them.

• In the midst of the drama and tuning in for the latest updates, it’s easy to overlook our grandchildren’s need for reassurance. Spend extra time with them, staying close and connected.

• Avoid exposing grandchildren to a constant barrage of frightening images on TV and the Web.

• Monitor conversations. Be aware of what is being said during adult conversations about the disaster and its aftermath. Young grandchildren may misinterpret what they hear and can be unnecessarily frightened about something they do not understand.

• Set aside quiet time to talk with your grandchild, avoiding the temptation to jump in with explanations that suggest their worries are unfounded. The more you can get your grandchild to talk, the less likely it will be that they’ll harbor secret fears and worries. Remember: There’s often a more burning question underneath whatever question they’re asking. Help your grandchild offload his or her worries and fears. My favorite phrase for this is “Tell me more.”

• If your grandchild tells you she’s afraid her own house could burn down, don’t cut her off and say it’s not likely to happen. Rather, ask her to tell you what the scariest thing about that would be. You may be surprised by what she’s truly afraid of, and it’s best to address her real fears head on. “Tell me what scares you most about that...” Again, instead of talking her out of her feelings, help get her worries aired.

• Be a role model. Our grandchildren watch us carefully to learn about how to handle stressful situations. Modeling calm behaviors will be important during chaotic times, and will help them develop resilience so they’re better equipped to handle life challenges in the future.

• Maintain routines. Even in the midst of chaos and change, grandchildren feel safer and more secure with structure and consistency. As much as possible, stick to everyday routines, including mealtimes, bedtime, and standards of behavior.

• Be patient. Youngsters may require a little extra time and attention during these periods. They may need added reminders or extra help with chores or homework, as they may be more distracted.

• After a disaster, grandchildren may become especially anxious when they separate from their parents. If they’re uneasy about spending the night at your house, don’t take it personally. Be sensitive and gentle as they transition from Mom and Dad to you.

• Be mindful that even when the fire or other disaster is over, a child’s fears may be reactivated when she goes by an affected area or hears the firsthand report of a survivor. Hearing sirens, smelling smoke, or experiencing a new round of Santa Ana winds — in the case of the California wildfires — can trigger anxiety and worry in children.

• Bedtime is often a good opportunity to let grandchildren reveal their secret fears and worries. Listen calmly, help them express their thoughts and concerns, and then offer your comfort and reassurance. By giving your grandchild the awareness that you’re right alongside him, it’s much easier for him to relax.

• Remind your grandchildren of all the things they have gotten through successfully. Use this experience to help them feel empowered and strong. “You certainly were calm and helpful when you had to leave the house so quickly.” “I’m so impressed by how — even though it was scary — you managed to help get things loaded into the car.”

It would be wonderful if we could shelter our grandchildren from all of life’s woes, but unfortunately it just isn’t possible. What we can do, however, is help them develop the tools to adapt to unexpected challenges, ultimately giving them one of the most important gifts of their lives: the ability to handle stress, be resilient, and successfully cope with difficult moments.