My 3-year-old granddaughter is working out who's who in our family. Who should tell her about the long-ago, friendly divorce of her mommy's parents? We're each happily remarried now and we all get along great, but she has lots of photos with all of her sets of grandparents and questions are starting to arise, such as, why aren't some grandparents in the older, pre-divorce photos? I just want to give the best information.
What a wonderful question! You are the poster family for how to put children first after divorce, making sure they remain surrounded by loving caregivers. Well done, all of you!
Your 3-year old granddaughter probably doesn't have the cognitive ability to piece together the complexities of your pre- and post-divorce family. Even I have a hard time keeping track of the relationship add-ons that come with blending new families with old.
Don't make the mistake of giving her a more complex answer than she needs. Adults often misunderstand children's curiosity, believing they are asking for more information than they actually want or need. Answer your granddaughter's questions briefly, and let her indicate if she's satisfied with what you've told her, or if she wants to know more.
Start by telling her that you and her Mommy's dad (use the names she calls you and your ex, like Grandma or Papa) were married a long time ago, and that her mommy is yours and Papa's daughter.
If she's still interested, explain that after a long time, Grandma and Papa weren't married to each other anymore. You don't have to provide reasons to a child this young; just stick to answering the questions she poses.
If she asks how her step-grandmother and step-grandfather came into the picture, explain that Grandma and Papa each decided to get married again, and so now she has four grandparents (or six, including her paternal grands). Your granddaughter might understand this better if you draw a simple version of her family tree, allowing her to visualize the connections between her loved ones.
| Do your grandkids have step-grandparents? |
 |
 |
No, neither side's grandparents have divorced 16.7%
Yes, but the kids understand who's who 63.7%
Yes, and the kids get confused about who's who 19.6%
| |
|
|
As you talk to your granddaughter, focus on how cherished she is by all her grandparents, and how wide a net of love she has supporting her. Talk about how many arms delight in hugging her, and the special ways each grandparent shows her love and affection.
Children watch us carefully for clues about how they should react to life. While we can't always orchestrate events to their liking, we can teach them how to handle almost anything that comes their way if we show them, by our example, how to take challenges in stride.
If mommy runs out of the house shrieking when she sees a spider, her little girl will "learn" that spiders are terrifying. If instead mom puts spiders gently into a jar and carries them safely outdoors, her daughter will come to see that they aren't all that scary.
Similarly, the way you talk about Grandma and Grandpa's divorce and subsequent marriages will communicate how your granddaughter should understand her "extra" grandparents. If you can be upbeat and avoid unhappy details, she'll get the clear message that she's just extra-loved and extra-lucky to have all of you in her life.
Children benefit enormously from having many healthy attachments. Remember that, once upon a time, kids were raised not only by their parents, but also by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and in some places, community elders. In today's world, the pain of divorce often yields the unexpected benefit of adding to a child's roster of caring attachments.
By answering her questions as simply and honestly as you can, your granddaughter will see that all is well in her world. Again, my congratulations to all of you for providing this child with the loving care that will nourish her young heart so very well.
Home
