Who Knows More About Parenting: You or Your Kids?

How can I talk to my adult children about their parenting without sounding preachy? So that they’ll listen?

As I’ve suggested in earlier columns, talking to our grown children about their parenting can be extremely tricky. No matter how old or seemingly mature our children are, we never stop being their Mom and Dad... which means that our helpful suggestions can sting and be perceived as negative criticism.

It’s normal. And you’re not alone in the dilemma about how to share what you’ve learned about parenting with your kids. Most grandparents struggle with this very issue.

So my first bit of advice is to realize that even though you might be able to convince yourself that your grown kids should be old enough to handle a little dose of your wisdom, the childlike part of their brain (the part that only their parents can activate) is still wired to resist being told that they’re doing something wrong.

If you can accept that this is just how it is, you’re halfway there. By approaching your adult children with this sensitivity, you’ll naturally soften your delivery and create a more receptive atmosphere.

Another factor that can make a difference in your children’s willingness to listen to your counsel is to make sure you’ve got money in the emotional bank with them. What do I mean by that? Think of it this way: Every loving, positive exchange you have with your kids is like putting money into your joint account, and every negative, critical exchange is like making a withdrawal from that account. If you’re starting out operating in the red with your grown son or daughter and things are generally tense between you, first restore health to the relationship. Young parents routinely tell me that one of the things that most upsets them is their parents’ disapproval.

Often we don’t consider that small, unpleasant exchanges add up. So make a point of emphasizing what you think they’re doing right. Let them know how much you admire how they handled that last birthday party, or comment on how well-mannered your grandchildren are.

If you regularly let your kids know all the ways you think they’re fantastic parents, there’s a greater chance they’ll be open when you want to share some of the knowledge you’ve gained from raising them.

When you have the urge to speak up, make sure you’re not offering advice right after watching them go through a tense moment with their children; they’ll be self-conscious and defensive. Find a time when you’re having a relaxed conversation and ask if they’d like to hear your perspective. If possible, bring it up with a bit of humor. Offer your suggestions with kindness and listen respectfully to their response. Don’t try to argue them out of their point of view, and don’t try to convince them that you’re right or that they need to act on your advice right away.

By timing it right, delivering it gently, and staying loose, you may be able to share some of what you’ve learned about parenting. And if they’re not ready to hear it, let that be okay, too. Most of all, enjoy your darling grandkids... and their parents.