Nobody wants to be thought of as mean. Or so you'd think. But there's actually a movement of mothers across the country who are embracing the word. They are "mean moms," and their own mothers and mothers-in-law wish that other moms were just as mean.
A mean mom doesn't verbally or physically abuse her kids. But she is tough, able to morph in a nanosecond from a loving caregiver to an intimidating enforcer who can bring a roomful of raucous kids under control with just a stern warning. Mean moms don't negotiate with their children — and they don't compromise their standards. In short, they give their children something many grandparents insist they used to give their own kids: rules.
The mean-mom movement is "a backlash to an age of permissiveness," says Phyllis Goldberg, 63, grandmother of five and a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. "Parents have come to the realization that if you don’t have strict rules for your kids, that comes with consequences."
Goldberg's daughter, Amy Levin, 38, an instructor of social-work graduate students, is a mean mom to three boys, ages 2 to 7. Among other things, Amy requires that her sons set the table and denies them dessert if they don't finish their dinners. Goldberg approves, noting that if Amy didn't keep the kids in line, "How else could she keep all the balls in the air, and run a tight ship at home?"
Sawyer Gillmer, 62, grandmother of two and a legal assistant in Pascagoula, Miss., is equally proud of her mean-mom daughter, Aura Mae, who as the "de facto disciplinarian" at family gatherings has earned the nickname "Mean Auntie Aura."
"My daughter has heard 'No' so many times," Mae says, "I'm sure she thinks it is her middle name: 'Nina No.'"
That's fine with Gillmer. "Kids need to know where to step," she says. "They need to have those boundaries and rules. It's like a dog pack. You've got the alpha dog, and then all of the others, and kids need to know where their place is. If they don't, then they’re just lost."
Gillmer is one grandmother who believes that too many moms today strive to be their children's friends, instead of their parents. "I don't blame them," Gillmer says. "I'd much rather be the good guy, but somebody’s got to do it."
Jacquelyn Lynn Clement, 55, a grandmother of two in Winter Springs, Fla., says mean moms sometimes get a bad rap, but "I think disciplining a child is one of the best ways to show him you love him." She says a mom who teaches her children to behave is doing a service to their grandparents as well. "My daughter-in-law is a 'mean mom' and I love her for it, because the time we have with our older grandson, who just turned 5, is an absolute pleasure. Will he occasionally test the boundaries? Of course. But he knows there are consequences if he does something wrong."
Goldberg and her husband, who live near their grandchildren and often babysit, credit the kids' mean mom with making their jobs easier as well. The children are so well-behaved, she says, "We can put them to bed late and give them ice cream. It's the best of both worlds."
For tips on getting along with your daughter-in-law, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, find out how to help parents deal with kids who are running wild, join the discussion about modeling good manners for grandchildren, and learn about the benefits of saying "no" to kids.
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