The Modern Grandparent's Handbook © 2011 by Dr. Georgia Witkin
Grandparents.com is proud to kick off 2012 with big news: We've published our first book!
The Modern Grandparent's Handbook: The Ultimate Guide to the New Rules of Grandparenting, written by our Senior Editor, Dr. Georgia Witkin, has been published by New American Library, and it's for sale right now in the brand-new Grandparents.com Bookstore for just $10.87, almost 30 percent lower than the full $15 price. And remember, Grandparents.com Benefits Club members always get free shipping on orders of $25 or more.
Here's an excerpt from Georgia's chapter on being a "grandmother-in-law":
In the Bible, Ruth praises, respects, and loves her mother-in-law, Naomi. Although some of my friends, patients, and Grandparents.com readers say they think their daughters-in-law (DILs) feel the same way, most say they are not as lucky as Naomi.
They describe their mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship as one of the most sensitive and complicated they've ever had. But at the same time, they know — we all know — it's also one of the most important relationships we'll ever have, because if we don't have a working relationship with our daughter-in-law, we won't have a relationship that works with our grandchildren!
What They Really Think
It's not news that some grandmothers-in-law and their daughters-in-law don't get along, but the extent of some DILs' hostility might surprise you. A 2010 iVillage survey found that 51 percent of DILs said they would rather clean the house than spend the day with their MIL; 28 percent said they'd rather have a root canal! And a 20-year Cambridge University study of hundreds of families found that more than 60 percent of women said their relationship with their mother-in-law was stressful.
The reasons are no great mystery, of course. After all, a mother's mother-in-law (that's you):
- was the first woman in her husband's life;
- knows him longer (and maybe better) than she does;
- is used to taking care of him, and can do it very well;
- will expect to share holidays and all special occasions with her and her children;
- will have her own relationship with her children (the grandchildren); and
- will usually taker her son's side in a dispute, even if she doesn't say so aloud.
But we can minimize the issues. Somewhat. Sometimes. Let's start with four guidelines:
- See what your daughter-in-law is like with other people, and don't expect her to be different with you.
- Treat your daughter-in-law with the same patience and politeness you show your own daughter (or your friends or new acquaintances).
- If things get really tough, pretend you're writing a movie and become an observer instead of participant. It will help to give you psychological distance and enough emotional breathing room to feel in control of your emotions.
- Keep your sense of humor.
On the other hand, even if you mean well, NEVER say any of these 3 things to your daughter-in-law:
- "My son is right..."
I know this is hard, but if they are fighting, let them work it out by themselves. Furthermore, don't ask your son to take sides or choose between you and your daughter-in-law. Not even in private. It's too risky, and it will only make things worse if he tells his wife.
- "I think you should..." (or, "I always...," or, "It would be better if...")
In other words, don't give advice unless you're asked or unless you ask first. Even then, think twice. Even if you are right! (Unless your grandchildren's health is at issue; then you get a pass.) I know that you hear her own mother giving advice, but when her own mother gives advice, your daughter-in-law is used to it. It's your advice that sounds like criticism.
- "I just assumed that..."
Double-check all assumptions. Neither you nor your DIL is a mind reader. And assumptions are just plain dangerous. Every one will feel like a criticism to her and she could hold it against you.
6 Rules for Improving Your MIL- DIL Relationship
- Don't drop in unannounced.
Ever. Because whenever you drop in, it will always be the most inconvenient time possible— or at least your DIL may think it is. Call ahead, schedule a time to visit. Better yet, offer a time to babysit so your DIL can have a little time to herself. And phrase it that way. She deserves a little time off. After all, you were there once; you know how tough it is. Then you come off as understanding and you get time alone with the grandkids!
- Follow her rules.
At least seem to, and try to, follow them as much as possible. If you want your DIL to trust you enough to leave you alone with the grandchildren, you have to make her feel that you do things the way she wants them done. If you don't, your DIL will almost certainly feel like you disagree with her rules— and, by extension, her. Of course, you're doing nothing of the kind. You're just giving the grandkids a few extra minutes of TV time. I know, you're not criticizing... but she's hearing criticism. So be sure to ask her about her preferences and rules. This will eliminate one of the biggest points of contention that DILs complain about, and over time, your DIL is likely to back off on some of these rules anyway — especially if she thinks you're on her side.
- Give her the benefit of the doubt.
Just like you're not criticizing her, maybe she's not criticizing you either. You've heard the expression, "It's not what you say; it's what they hear." There's truth in that. And it goes both ways. So maybe, just maybe, she asked you to vacuum the house before she brought your granddaughter over not because she's criticizing your housekeeping, but because the pediatrician thinks your granddaughter may be allergic to cat dander. Maybe.
- Compliment her.
And not just to her face — although that's great, too — but also to your grandkids. Talk about her in ways that highlight her unique qualities and special talents. Say nice things to your son about your DIL. These nice comments are bound to get back to your DIL, and she will not only appreciate it, but she might even come up with a few nice things to say about you too.
- Respect her relationship with her own mother.
Don't try to compete. You're not going to win. She's known her mother all her life. She knows what every look means. Even if her mom criticizes her, she's used to it. It doesn't hurt as much. And since she learned whatever she knows about mothering from her own mom, it's no surprise that her mom is going to be the one she turns to for advice. It's only natural, so accept it.
- Always think of the children.
Model the values and behavior you want them to learn. You want them to learn trust, compassion, patience, respect, and understanding. Be that example. And if your DIL doesn't act that way herself? That's all the more reason you need to do it. The kids need to learn those important ideals from someone, and it can be you. As they grow older, and start to understand the intricacies and difficulties of family relationships, they'll only value your relationship more.
Read an excerpt from Georgia Witkin's introduction to The Modern Grandparent's Handbook, and check out other insights from the author here on Grandparents.com:
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