It's 7 a.m. The alarm buzzes. Time to cram as many honors and AP classes in as the schedule allows. After, it’s straight to soccer practice. Then, gobble down a hoagie en route to piano. Head home to tackle homework, write a speech for student-government elections, and make posters for the Thanksgiving food frive. This is the life of your Type A grandchild, whose schedule can overwhelm a family and leave you wondering: How can I get my over-booked, over-stimulated grandchild to pencil me in?
Day Planners... for Toddlers?
Carol Scibelli, a grandmother of one from Merrick, N.Y., laughs. At the ripe old age of, ahem, 3, her granddaughter's activities have already intruded on family time. “My granddaughter, Sky, came with me to look for a new car today," says Carol. "But nearly as soon we got to the lot, we had to scoot her home in time for Gymboree. It made me wonder if we should have skipped the visit.”
Sure, says Carol, as a parent she enrolled her daughter in gymnastics and her son in Little League. "Young mothers have always booked up their kids out of fear that if the child isn’t popular as a toddler, she'll never be invited to a Sweet 16." Carol hastens to add, though, that her children's lives were more easy-going than the life her granddaughter — who's often taken to ballet and Gymboree — now leads. "It's a little frustrating for me to have my time with Skylar cut short so she can be zipped away to another activity," says Carol.
What's Your Over-booked Darling Into?
Yes, we tsk-tsk and shake our heads at the madness overtaking our grandchildren’s lives — but are we really that upset? Maybe there's more behind your friends' complaints of how overbooked their brilliant little overachievers are. Yes, there may indeed be a hint of sizing up — the kind you hoped to escape in retirement years — creeping into the casual banter. You spent years answering the question: What do you do for a living? And now, just when you thought you'd escaped the narrowing pigeon-holing such questions allow for, you're hit with the ever-so-friendly inquiry as to the number of organized activities your grandchild logs. Same old question, discreet new form, competition fierce as ever.
When this writer recently made an offhand comment to a grandmother about her granddaughter's playing softball on the school team, she was abruptly corrected. No, her granddaughter didn't try out for the team this year. She was too busy fulfilling her duties as president of her high-school class. Just like that, her grandchild's activities had become a measure of success — hers, the child’s, the family’s.
How Many Are Too Many?
Other grandparents, though, may have legitimate concerns that their grandchild is headed down the road to burnout. And with good reason, says Kathleen Hall, Ph.D. who says that all children don't react to after-school activities the same way. "Stress is individualized. Parents can raise two children in the same environment. One may thrive on a busy schedule while the other engages in only two activities and shows signs of stress."
As a grandparent who's three steps away, you may see the signs of stress more clearly. Children who feel overwhelmed may start biting fingernails, wetting beds, and showing relational changes such as withdrawal and heightened levels of agitation, says Hall. Her three-pronged approach to soothing over-stressed grandchildren? Quiet time, laughter and ritual meals. "This doesn't have to mean Sunday dinner with roast beef, mashed potatoes, and homemade gravy. The feeling of family here matters more than what's on the menu."
Entertaining a Type A Grandchild
You may cringe at the thought of entertaining your Type-A grandchild who's highly-competitive, multi-tasking, somewhat impatient and maybe even a little aggressive. Will the quiet calm of your house drive him bonkers — or bore him silly? Yet one three-year study completed by researchers at Stanford University found that Type-A children suffer from sleep disturbances and headaches, not to mention more allergies, colds and flus than other children do, while missing no additional school days.
So, the quiet calm may be just what Type A's need as much as they resist. It can be a secret relief for children who rarely make decisions about what to do with their time when they are freed from a locked-in schedule. Make your house the "peaceful place where children don't have to do anything, where you can plant seeds of emotional growth by inviting to do things such as take simple walks," suggests Hall.
What if quiet time isn't cutting it? Not to worry, says Hall. "You're their grandparent, not their entitled entertainers. Don't feel like you have to compete against Gameboys and iPods," she says. Constant thrill-seeking is a habit that can be broken. Sure, the kids may grumble about being bored at first; eventually, though, they'll adjust to your environment — and may even come to look forward to it.
Where Do Grandparents Fit?
But let's face it. Many a Type A grandchild will not have time for casual visits. And opportunities to spend time with your grandchildren — even preschoolers — may be fast disappearing. You don’t have to sit back and allow yourself to be shut out, though. The best way to get into your Type-A grandchildren's lives is to pencil yourself into their schedules and attend the activities. Look into when the recitals and games are – and show up there.
Mary Strauss, from Cumbola, Pa., is a bona fide sidelines grandma. She figured out the way to see her Type A's is to cheer them on as they go and achieve. The grandmother of seven has also found that the events provide fodder for the family dinners that follow when she can ask who their favorite players are, what positions they like playing best, and how they'd rate this year's coach.
Type A's Need More Shuttling
There's no doubt that playing grandparent to a Type A grandchild involves more shuttling around than grandparenting other types would. And you wouldn’t be the first grandparent to wonder — are the parents dropping off the kids at these activities to snatch up an extra hour of free time? The answer is no. Little Type A's tend to operate on a complex schedule of pick-ups and drop-offs that can utterly consume family life and rope you in, too — offering the choice between stealing away 20 minutes of one-on-one time with your grandchild in transit between activities... or possibly not seeing him or her at all.
Bob Webb, a grandfather of five from Cumbola, Pa., drives what he calls the “Poppy Bus.” On one recent day, he dropped off his grandsons, Nathan, 4 and Gavin, 3, at school. He picked them up and took Nathan for a haircut. Later, he picked up his 13-year-old granddaughter Jeanette from play practice. Then, it was time to fetch her 16-year-old sister Beth from cross-country practice — at a different school across town. It's not necessarily ideal, says Bob, or quite the same as just hanging out. "But I've realized that this is the life the kids lead," he says. "And if I want to see them, this is how I can do that."
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