Don't Be THAT Grandparent

You're anything but a judgmental rabble-rouser. Here's what not to say at this year's holiday table.

by Geoff Williams

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You remember like it was last year. But, it wasn't. It was Thanksgiving 1967. Grandpa made a snide comment about your brother's long hair. Grandma wondered why the day's youth listened to wild-child Rolling Stones instead of that fine young singer, Pat Boone. They were straight up rabble-rousers. And, no topic escaped criticism — the political scene was too rebellious, TV shows goofball, movies vulgar, and the way kids dressed? Just plain shabby.

It was then, on that crisp Thanksgiving Day, as you tuned into the sound of your jaws chomping away at the stuffing that you made the pledge. Yes, you vowed to never become that grandparent.

Well, someday is here. Now, sights of your 10-year-old grandchild painted up like a 21-year-old shoot pangs of empathy for Grandma and Grandpa through you. You get it. Still, you're holding to the pledge.

In anticipation of the banter sure to bounce about your holiday table this year, we ran some rousing scenarios by columnist Mel Walsh, a grandmother of 12 and author of Hot Granny: Fabulous at 50, 60, and Beyond! (Chronicle Books, 2007) to see what she would say. Consider it training. You'll be prepared, you'll be toned. And, nothing will provoke you to utter the unfiltered. Hey, we don't want you to be that grandparent either!

The scenario: You're a guest at someone else's table. They've got it all wrong. They're rushing. And, why did your son-in-law fry the turkey? If only you had stuck to hosting the family tradition and cooked the meal.

Don't be that grandparent: "Flexibility" is the watchword. "I call it the Queen Mother syndrome when you start saying, 'Well, it's always been this way at my house,'" says Walsh, who suggests telling your family what you like to have on the holiday while accepting you might not get what exactly you want.

The scenario: Your beloved heathens dig into the food without saying grace.

Don't be that grandparent: If it's your house, you have every right to say, "Not so fast." If it's your son's step-mother's cousin's house — you don't. Say nothing. Even better, if saying grace is important to you, "talk that over with family beforehand. In our home, we sing this very short Amish hymn. We have many different religions in our family, including Buddhism, so the hymn is generic, but special," says Walsh.

The Scenario: Amy Driehorst, a 39-year-old mother of four from Temperance, Mich. says a holiday meal doesn't go by without grandparents oozing parenting advice that's followed up by a 'This is what I did with my kids, and they turned out fine, so it must work.' The tips could be anything from gently suggesting the baby goes to sleep on his stomach (as Mom cites articles she's read on crib death) to mentioning casually how there were no car seats in their day.

Don't be that grandparent: Sure, share advice with your adult children. But trust them as parents to make the best decisions with regard to caring for their children. Just as you did, they will find their own way as parents.

The scenario: Your teenage grandchild, wearing a tee-shirt that's too tight, is flexing his biceps to show off a fresh tattoo. And how about that tongue piercing your granddaughter is styling?

Don't be that grandparent: "Absolutely ignore it and shut up," says Walsh, who adds, "I learned that from my mother. Everybody adored her. All my friends would confide in her. I'd asked, 'What's your secret?' and she'd say, 'I don't criticize them. I just listen.'" No matter how much you hate that dragon tattoo, chances are, nothing you say would make your grandchild remove it. Just pick a mantra and keep repeating it to yourself: "It's a phase… It's their life… Where's my Zoloft?"

The Scenario: As hard as Robyn Sekula, 36, from New Albany, Ind. tries, she can't forget the holiday meal when her husband's grandmother thought it a good idea to mention her on-going problems with diarrhea. Yes, you read correctly.

Don't be that grandparent: Most civilized folk, from the age of about 8 on, know not to bring up the d-word at the table. And yet, sometimes this uncontrollable urge to stir things up can attack. Well, keep a lid on it. If someone at the table recently underwent knee surgery or a liver transplant, sure, a healthy recovery is to be lauded. But, advises Robyn, who was admittedly somewhat scarred by the diarrhea episode: "Ask about my job, my children, my latest home project, but limit the health discussions to a few comments. But don't your personal health dominate the conversation."

The Scenario: Your grandchild, who you're concerned is getting a little pudgy, goes for a third — then a fourth — helping of mashed potatoes.

Don't be that grandparent: Avoid being passive-aggressive by disguising negative comments with a nonchalant tone, suggests Walsh. That strategy never works. No grunts. No cough-on-the-side as you eyeball the parents. You, or someone else, slaved over the stove whipping up this feast. And every last bite is meant to be savored.

The scenario: Table chatter keeps dipping into topics you've heard of, but with which you aren't overly familiar. You know who Britney Spears is and what X-Box is, of course, but who's Miley Cyrus? And what's this Degrassi: The Next Generation? Was there a first?

Don't be that grandparent: That's easy. Walsh urges, "Don't be afraid to say, 'What's the point?' Or 'I don't get it,' or 'Can you show me how to use PlayStation or how you set up your MySpace profile?'" These aren't things to avoid, but to embrace, as fodder for lively and curious communication.

Get A Load of That!

Thanksgiving brings out funny, memorable — shocking and surprising? — moments at the dinner table. Here are some of the utterances that left them whispering, "I can't believe she — or he — said that!"

Jill Giannini, 26, from Middle Hadden, Conn., recalls a conversation between her mother and great-grandmother, who was 103 at the time.

GG: "I figured out how I'm going to die."
GGD: "Really, Grandma? How's that?"
GG: "Old age."

Laura Perry, 52, from Los Angeles, Calif. says:

"I was 25. My sister was 22. At dinner, grandmother announced she was ready to be a great-grandmother and told us to get going. My very-proper father didn't laugh, saying it wasn't possible since my sister and I weren't married. Grandmother's reply, 'Oh, that doesn't matter to kids nowadays. I'd like them to get busy!"

Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk (Small Talk Publishing, 2002), heard one grandparent say this when offered a drink:

"No thanks. I gave up drinking after I saw the toll it took on you."

Jerry Shereshewsky, CEO at Grandparents.com, recalls his mother saying this to one of his daughter's at a holiday meal:

"Get straight A's so you can get to Harvard. You'll find a better husband there."

Senior Editor at Grandparents.com, Susan Avery, remembers hearing this one holiday:

Grandma: "So, got a girlfriend yet?"
Grandson (college-age): "Um, no."
Grandma: "What about a boyfriend? What, I'm just curious? Either way it's okay."