 How to Raise Your Adult Children © 2010 by Gail Parent & Susan Ende (Penguin, 2010) |
How to Raise Your Adult Children: Because Big Kids Have Even Bigger Problems (Penguin, 2010) is a hilarious and eye-opening manual for the parents of adults by Gail Parent and Susan Ende. Throughout the guide, the authors answer questions that many parents never thought they'd have to ask. The following is adapted from the book's chapter on grandparenting:
Grandchildren are a treat for us grandparents. Unlike their own parents, we have the time and space to observe and reflect on their growth and development. We don't have to buy diapers, and we can buy a cute little party dress, which is more fun. When we're tired, the grandkids go home. We put our houses back in order and keep them that way until the much-loved grandchildren come for another visit. It's perfect, isn't it? Well, not exactly. When we were growing up, grandparents were often part of the child rearing team. They were consulted and involved. They were respected for their wisdom.
Some adults today don't want grandparents' advice. They join Mommy and Me classes, talk to their friends, and search the Internet. They want to do it on their own. They don't want to consult their own parents even though they were raised by them and survived. Why did this change?
 Photo by Alex Berliner
Gail Parent |
Some parents of our generation were permissive and indulgent and erroneously believed that if we made our children feel special and never said "no," our kids would have great self-esteem and confidence. Ironically, needing to feel exceptional and not wanting to hear "no" made them narcissistically vulnerable. So, some of our kids are unsure of limits and boundaries and experience advice as criticism. In addition, having grown up thinking they were remarkable, they suffer narcissistic blows if they discover that someone knows more than they do. We have come to realize that what we thought were superior child rearing techniques were really an overreaction to our own parents and upbringing. So, now that we know the errors of our ways, we could teach our kids something about raising children, but that's not what they want from us. They still only want our approval and admiration.
 Photo by Richard Feinberg
Susan Ende |
Our kids are involved in their children's school and sports activities, know CPR, and are able to maneuver luggage, backpack, stroller, and three kids through an airport and onto a plane with seeming ease. Too bad they can't keep them quiet during a flight. Some of our grandchildren have too many toys, are plopped in front of videos from infancy, lack structured family meal times, and are overscheduled and overprotected by over-involved mothers. It's horrible to watch.
But what can we grandparents do? We can refrain from advising our children, because that doesn't work. However, when we are with our grandchildren, we can set limits and boundaries, restrict electronics and television, and encourage creative activities and social interaction. We can also expect orderliness, personal responsibility, and respect. Good luck.
Evil M.
Dear Gail and Susan,
Help! My daughter-in-law Madeline (I call her Evil M.) won't let me see my grandkids. Whenever I call the house, Evil M. says it's not a good time. It's never a good time as far as she's concerned. I told my son that his wife is boycotting me, but he says I'm being paranoid. He says that as a family they are very busy and that I should not take it personally. But don't you think that my son and daughter-in-law owe it to me and their children to make sure we get together? — Magda
Dear Mad Magda,
Your son and daughter-in-law don't owe you anything. However, they should be getting you together with their children because grandparents play an important part in their grandchildren's lives.
I know what you should do to make the family cohesive again: If there's any children's theater near where you live, why don't you buy tickets for the whole family and say you'll meet them there? Part ways after the show. It doesn't have to be theater tickets. It can be any event that's interesting and fun for kids. What I'm suggesting is that you don't try to go over to their house or ask them to come to your house. You have to include them in a bigger event.
If my suggestion doesn't work, just take your son's assessment of the situation literally. Young families are very busy and so tightly scheduled, they don't have time to do anything they haven't put on their calendars. — Gail, who is pleased with her answer
Gail,
I want to present you with a scenario. Someone calls you every day when you're in the middle of something, and they want something that takes time and energy on your part. And because your life is scheduled and your time accounted for, you can't give them what they want when they want it. So you find yourself always having to say "no."
I don't think that Magda's primary goal is to see the grandchildren. I suspect that what Magda really wants is for her son (and us) to see Madeline as victimizing her and for us to agree with her that Madeline is Evil M. Magda thinks she is entitled to call the shots and have control over her son and daughter-in-law's life and she plays the victim when she doesn't get her way. — Susan
Everything Under the Sun
Dear Gail and Susan,
My daughter-in-law's parents buy our grandchildren everything under the sun. My wife and I not only can't afford what our in-laws can, but we don't approve of kids having so many toys. Our grandchildren are being spoiled, but we don't know what to do about it. Do you have any suggestions? — Gary
Dear Grandfather Gary,
Children don't care who buys them toys. Young kids don't remember where their toys came from. If you give them love and attention, that's all they need from you. Take them to the zoo, because children remember experiences more than they remember toys that usually break. — Gail, who tries to have grandchildren experiences
Gail,
Gary compares himself to the in-laws, which means he is feeling competitive with them. If he stays self-absorbed in his rivalry instead of establishing real relationships with his grandchildren, the grandkids will prefer the in-laws, because the kids will conclude that Gary is not really interested in them. — Susan
Get more insight on raising your adult children from Grandparents.com:
Gail Parent, an award-wining writer and producer whose credits include The Tracey Ullman Show, The Carol Burnett Show, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, and The Golden Girls, is also the author of novels including Sheila Levine Is Dead and Living in New York. Susan Ende, M.F.T., has been a psychotherapist in practice for 25 years and has taught at the California institute of Technology, Pepperdine, and U.C.L.A.
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