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I'm in Love Again
by Susan Newman, Ph.D.
So why aren't my children and grandchildren thrilled?
You’ve found someone new to share your life with — something you thought might never happen, or at least not this soon. But your children aren't overjoyed — and they may be transferring those negative feelings to your grandchildren. It's no small matter: You seek your adult children’s approval of your new mate in much the same way they want your acceptance when they make major changes in their own lives.
But accepting a parent's or grandparent’s new companion or spouse often isn’t easy. Frequently adult children can’t even pinpoint just what they don’t like about their parent's new love interest. And it’s especially hard for them to welcome a new partner if they have or had an especially close bond with the absent parent. They will need your help to understand and deal with their feelings.
Why adult children have doubts
As I note in my book Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father (Walker & Company, 2003) grown children’s reluctance may be deeply rooted and near impossible for them to verbalize. They commonly resist a parent’s new partner or spouse because:
- They have been watchful and protective of you since you became single – a watchfulness sometimes bordering on possessiveness – and now they are faced with the possibility of someone taking over that role.
- They doubt your new partner’s suitability or sincerity. Is she gold-digging? Is he looking for someone to take care of her?
- They could be dismayed that this new person is trying to assume the role of their much-loved deceased or absent parent.
- They may perceive a new partner as competition for your time with them and with your grandchildren.
- They worry about how their children will react to your being with someone new.
- They may have difficulty thinking about you as a sexually active person.
- They thought you would remain alone forever and the change may make them anxious.
- They worry about your financial situation or security, and some think about what your new relationship may mean to their inheritance.
Once you isolate what might be bothering your children, you will be able to talk about their concerns or fears and reassure them.
Talking it out
Help your children get at the sources of their concerns by gently asking important questions, so that together you can discover whether the reasons for their resistance to your new partner are reasonable and worth holding onto. Ask probing questions such as:
- Do you have questions about my new friend? What are they? I’m happy to answer.
- What is the point of your opposition to my relationship?
- Have you considered how your behavior could affect our relationship or my relationship with my grandchildren?
- Have you considered how your behavior could affect my relationship with the person I love?
- What do you hope to gain?
- Whom are you really punishing?
- Do you think your behavior is going to change my choice?
Listen carefully to their answers and address whatever worries they may have directly. Let them know, for example, that you don’t plan to visit your grandchildren less often or change your will, if those are among their concerns. And reassure them that your new partner does not have to be a parent or grandparent figure to them, and that he or she is not displacing their other parent.
Such a dialogue can be a big step toward their understanding how a new person might fit into the family. But don’t hesitate to let your adult children know their negative attitude or behavior upsets you and makes you feel torn between wanting to please them and wanting to move on with your life. Remind them that, in the end, your choice of companion is not theirs to make.
Easing the transition
As your children begin to accept the fact of a new partner, you can try to reduce any friction the new situation has caused. Try to get them to see the positive side of things: Emphasize how happy you are, how secure you feel, and how your new relationship reduces the time and energy they may previously have spent worrying about you. Ask your children to think of the new family constellation, including your new partner and his or her family, as an extended support system for them and your grandchildren.
Here are other suggestions to help everyone adjust to the new dynamic:
- Continually reinforce your partner’s strong points to your children and grandchildren.
- Seek out interests your partner and children or grandchildren share.
- Start with short visits centered on fun activities that will include your partner and your grandchildren. Play board games, for example, or make a project or play a sport you know your grandchildren like.
- Older grandchildren tend to adapt to a new person more slowly than younger ones. Allow these relationships to develop slowly and naturally over time.
- Get together in groups to help dissipate uncomfortable situations.
- If the partner remains unacceptable to your adult children, do your best to continue a separate relationship with them and your grandchildren rather than severing the bond.
Introducing someone new to the family is always a challenge, but relationships change over time. If at first your children and grandchildren seem cautious or reluctant, be patient: They may very well grow to like, even love, your new partner as much as you do. But if cordiality is the best they can achieve for now, accept it, and continue to try to integrate your new partner with your family as best you can.
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10 Answers
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Yes. They've always supported me.
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No. They wouldn't want things to change.
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