It's the most wonderful time of the year. But for a child whose mom or dad is serving overseas this Christmas, the season may lose some luster.
Carol Ellis, a Tennessee grandmother, knows that her grandsons living in New York, Devante, 7, and Isaiah, 4, miss their mom terribly. That's why she wants to do all she can to give the boys a special Christmas.
She's far from being the only grandparent in this predicament. The National Military Family Association estimates that 155,000 children in the United States will be without a parent this holiday due to deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan. Here are some ways to keep the Christmas wonder alive for grandchildren whose parents are on active duty.
Your Grandchild's Wish List
Rather than pulling ideas from thin air, a good place to start may be asking your grandchildren about their hopes for the holiday. "Kids love being asked what they want for Christmas," says Tian Dayton, Ph. D., a New York-based clinical psychologist. "You might pop them an e-mail or place a special call. Tell your grandchildren you are thinking of them and want to know if there's something special they're pining for this year."
Even if they only think to ask for toys, make them homemade gifts that carry a sentimental value store-bought gifts do not. "Let them know you made them holiday goodies because you miss them," says Dr. Dayton. Try baking a batch of cookies, knitting a scarf or hat in their favorite colors, or mailing them the tree ornament that was their mom or dad's favorite as a child.
You can have a kitchen magnet spotlighting mom or dad's photo made at MilitaryMagnets.com, or order a T-shirt reading "Somebody in Iraq Loves Me" or "I'm Serving in Operation Stand by My Daddy" at tstogo.com. The sentimental gifts can remind your grandchild every day throughout the year just how much they are loved while mom or dad isn't there to do so.
Keep Their Traditions Alive
In addition to asking them what presents they'd like, ask what you can do to make it feel more like Christmas. "They may tell you something along the lines of 'Dad always hangs the stockings this way' or 'Mom always helps me write my letter to Santa," says Sara Dawalt, a pre-K teacher from Killeen, Texas who wrote 365 Deployment Days: A Wife's Survival Story (Bridgeway Books, 2007).
Then, suggests Dawalt, set up a call with the parent. Let your grandson hang the stocking while dad gives step-by-step instructions. Have your granddaughter dictate her letter for Santa to mom, who will write it down and mail it to the North Pole. "Your grandchild will feel grown-up," says Dawalt, "and be happy that mom and dad were a part of the activity."
Ask your grandchildren what holiday traditions they have and want to maintain this year. If you live nearby, carry out the traditions, whether it's baking cookies and wrapping gifts together, going to the tree farm to cut down a Christmas tree, or hanging ornaments to their favorite holiday soundtrack.
This may also be a good year to start a few new traditions. Take a turn at playing Santa Claus for younger grandchildren or decorating the house in a new style that can be continued when the parent returns, suggests Dawalt. Be sure to take heaps of photos and videos that can be sent to the parents who may also be missing their holiday traditions.
To Iraq with Love
Remind your grandchildren that their overseas parent misses them dearly and how much happiness a care package would bring mom or dad.
"Help your grandchild prepare a handcrafted gift that would have special meaning to the parent serving overseas," says Herb Ruben, a grandfather of four who is executive director of the Peninsula Counseling Center in Woodmere, NY. "Involve your grandchild in the planning, creating, and sending of gifts to their parents as much as possible. This can be a way of helping them feel connected."
Decorate a miniature tree with ornaments made of the parent's favorite candies and family photographs or ask your grandchild to draw a picture of last year's Christmas Day.
I Miss Your Mom, Too
"It's only natural for these children to feel very different and very alone when they hear about classmates visiting Santa with their parents. They're bombarded with advertisements of shiny family gatherings," says Ruben. "I'm sure they hunger for contact with their parent. So, when your hands and eyes are busy crocheting or working on a craft project, gently say to your grandchild, 'The holidays are here. You know, I miss your mom not being here and I wonder what it's like for you.'"
Dawalt agrees. "If your grandchildren are sad, let them know that it's okay to feel that way. I'm about to experience my second Christmas in a row without my husband and I'm sad. However I'm feeling on Christmas Day, I have to give myself permission to feel that way," she says.
It may also be a good idea, suggests Ruben, to make your grandchild's teacher aware of the deployment. Through making posters and cards for deployed parents as a class or initiating a toiletries drive, the teacher's actions can fill the child with pride for the parent who's working to make the world a safer place.
Fun for Fun's Sake
This may be the year to take your grandchild to a special holiday activity or show. "It's not going to take away the feeling of loss your grandchild may have while a parent is stationed overseas," says Ruben, "but it may get him or her to forget for a little while. Plus, it's always fun to have fun!" A trip to the children's museum, circus, skating rink, or an off-Broadway musical will go far in giving your grandchildren a permanent memory.
If you live far away, and all adults involved agree to the idea, consider inviting your grandchildren to your home or visiting them for three days of nothing but fun. "To do something magical with your grandchild will be better than giving material gifts this year," says Ruben.
Make It Personal
If your grandchild's parent is deployed this Christmas, says Marsha Temlock, who has an M.A. in organizational psychology and is herself a grandmother, above all, make this a very personal Christmas. If you cannot be there in person, call your grandson or granddaughter on Christmas Eve (coordinate a time with the caretaker) before they go to bed. Check on the placement of stockings and make sure the cookies and milk have been left for Santa.
The week before Christmas, send your grandchildren a letter with the note, "To [Your Grandchild]: Read this letter from Grandma Christmas morning — after you've opened all your presents."
Enclose photographs to remind the children of a special time they spent with you, suggests Temlock. Include a poem, a story, or try your own hand at writing a from-the-heart note — kids don't mind messy handwriting!
If your heart aches to see the joy and surprise on their faces as they open their gifts Christmas Day, consider getting a Web cam, suggests Temlock, and sending your love through cyberspace.
When a grandchild's parent is away, the relationship you maintain with him or her is especially crucial. It's key to stay in touch, says Temlock. Follow up after the holiday hoopla has died down with a call or a letter. Ask what gift your grandson liked best or what he's doing over vacation. The smile you bring to your grandchild's face, and the warmth you put in his or her heart, are the best gifts you can give this Christmas.
*As a show of our support for families with deployed loved ones, Grandparents.com and Skype have teamed up to give away a free Logitech QuickCam® Pro 9000 Web cam (a value of $99) to the first ten grandparents, with a child stationed in Iraq or Afghanistan this Christmas, who e-mail us at stayintouch@grandparents.com.
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