When Darren and Ella returned home after a night out, they found Darren’s mother, Nana Louise, sitting on the couch reading a magazine while the kids ran wild around the living room. From the tension in the air, Louise knew it would be a while before she'd be asked to babysit for her grandchildren again.
When Grandma and Grandpa Lesser come to town for their twice-a-year visits, they constantly criticize their grandchildren's behavior. The children ask their parents why their grandparents scold and correct them all the time, and complain that time spent with the couple feels too much like being in school — with their toughest teachers.
For most of us, the best thing about holiday celebrations is the opportunity to connect with loved ones, including grandchildren. But in spite of our good intentions, many of us fall into the same old patterns as we interact with family members, creating so much tension that gatherings become something we endure, rather than cherish.
So whether you're a little too loose with your grandchildren, like Nana Louise, or a little too hard on them, like the Lessers, consider stepping back to review your grandparenting style before the holiday season and decide if it's time to tighten up or lighten up.
If your adult children have hinted that that you're too lenient or too strict with their kids, you may be missing out on deeper relationships with members of both generations that could nourish all of you. Make this the season when you alter your approach. I’m not saying you should become someone you aren't, or make radical changes that feel awkward and artificial. But there’s always room for improvement.
If your kids say that you let the grandchildren walk all over you and that they’d like to see you take charge more, then say "No" next time you're babysitting and the kids demand a chocolate treat at bedtime. Stick to your guns and offer them a story and a cuddle instead; it's quality time with you that they really crave anyway. And if you've been accused of spoiling the little ones with big gifts at holiday time, just bring them a new board game this year, and learn how to play it together, instead of handing them a huge gift card or an electronic game system you can't play with them.
But if you sense that your grandchildren, in trying to avoid your disapproval, work so hard to be on their best behavior that all your interactions feel scripted or formal, try lightening up. After all, if your grandchildren can't be themselves around you, you're missing out on their full personalities. Offer to take them to a goofy new movie, without complaining about their popcorn intake, or play a few games of cards with them, without criticizing their strategy.
Whether you see your grandchildren every Sunday or once a year, the problems of being too light or too tight are inevitably going to lessen a sense of real closeness between you. Just as important, if their parents — your adult children — disapprove of how you deal with their children, you may be compromising your relationship with them as well.
This season, take a few baby steps toward adjusting your grandparenting style, maybe in ways that your adult children have suggested. There's no need to make a big announcement about your change in attitude. It may be more productive simply to make an internal commitment to try on two or three "New and Improved" behaviors and then watch for any evidence that things between you and your grandchildren (and their parents) are becoming more relaxed and comfortable.
Remember:
• If you’ve got a track record of being too loose, know that you can say "No" without being mean: "I know you wish Grandma would buy you another cupcake, sweetheart. They are so delicious. But we’re going to have dinner soon, and so one is all we're having right now."
• If you've been too inflexible around the kids, try going with the flow. If they want to put on a CD you don’t care for, try to find something you like about it — maybe how happy it makes them? Let them know afterward that you’re glad you listened to it together, rather than reminding everyone — several times — of all the more worthy music they could have listened to.
If you can lighten up or tighten up, just a bit, you may make this holiday season your best ever, finding a whole new level of enjoyment between you, your adult children, and especially your grandchildren.
To find more advice from Susan Stiffelman, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, find advice for handling your grandchildren's tantrums, discover how to convince your children that you're ready to babysit, join the debate over who should make the rules when grandparents babysit, and find one author's theory on why your grandchildren may be running wild.
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