The halls are decked. An inviting aroma of freshly baked cookies fills the kitchen. The volume on the radio is turned up high. Wait, what's that playing now? Oh, that heart-tugging rendition of “There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays” followed up by Bing Crosby crooning “I'll Be Home for Christmas ... You Can Count on Me.”
Sure, that guy's family knew he'd make the trip, but you know better than to expect or worse, demand, your children spend the holidays at your place. Instead, you've learned to make it work, even when that means going to them or getting together on a different day.
Each year, we grandparents are reminded that the days of associating holidays with homecomings are long gone. Once a family expands to include in-laws and grandchildren, it's a rare occasion when a family member isn't missing from the festivities. Joan, a grandmother of 12 from Glassboro, N.J., had a rude awakening one year when the family rotation schedule flopped and she and her husband ended up spending the holiday alone. “It was so depressing! But, I really learned my lesson. Now we plan months in advance to avoid such logistical disasters," she says.
“When it comes to holiday celebrations, it's best to accept that our children's choices are about them, not us,” says Barry Ginsberg, Ph.D. and grandfather who authored Relationship Enhancement: Family Therapy (Wily, 1997). Tina Duvall, a mother from Eldersburg, M.D. agrees. With parents and siblings living in different states, she describes her mother's holiday expectations as unrealistic. “My mom gets truly hurt when we're not all there.” It's not that Tina doesn't want to bring her family to visit her parents, she says, but that holiday travel can be costly.
The best thing for us to do, says Ginsberg, is to understand what our adult children cope with in today's hectic world. Here are some possible reasons your grandchildren aren't coming home to you this holiday, and how to make the best of it.
Walk in Your Children's Shoes
When taking a trip down memory lane to holidays past, remember how special it was for you as a new parent to fill your home with holiday cheer and build traditions with the babies. As they got older, your sleepy-eyed, school-age children crawled out of their cozy beds at the crack of dawn to see what Santa brought them. It's not uncommon for new families to want to establish traditions ... in their own homes.
Plus, babies and toddlers don't travel light. And lugging portable cribs and strollers through the airport is no picnic. Even if your grandchildren live nearby, shoving a mountain of gear into a car already packed with gifts can be, well, a major inconvenience. When your adult children decide to celebrate at their house, the best gift you can give them is a guilt-free holiday. There's one simple, quick-fix solution here: Go to them.
Destination Holiday
Our children's priorities change as they marry and start their own families. It may mean they take turns visiting you and their spouse's parents on the holidays. Or, they may want to take the children on a winter vacation during that time. Don't take it personally. This may be their only chance to get away together — few time-outs from school and work exist these days.
This doesn't mean you have to stay home alone. Ask your children if they'd like you to join. Don't assume that you're not invited, says Arthur Kornhaber, M.D., author of The Grandparent Solution: A Book for Parents (Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2004). It may be that they simply didn't think to ask. "Open communication on the reasons behind holiday decisions will help avoid hurt feelings," says Kornhaber. "Assess the family's circumstances and do whatever it takes to make the gatherings work.”
A Little Help From Technology
Ferida Wolff, a grandmother from Cherry Hill, N.J., remembers celebrating her grandson Adam's first Hanukkah with him. To her, it didn't matter that they couldn't be together in the same place. “It just happened that his parents weren't able to come up from Virginia to see us, and we weren't able to go there," she says. "So, we picked up the phone, lit candles, and sang Chanukah songs together over the phone.”
Web cams offer another way to connect with grandchildren during the holidays when distance separates you. Christine Holhbaum, an American mother residing with her husband and children in Germany, says her family sets a pre-arranged time to visit over the Internet. With a Web cam, they can see one another face to face and spread the holiday cheer. Another option, is to record holiday wishes for your grandchildren on a homemade video and send it to them, she says.
No Sulking Allowed
If your children won't be spending the holidays with you this year, whatever you do, don't sulk. Accept their decision graciously and move on. Fill the punch bowl with that bourbon slush your friends rave about and break out the bean dip. Invite neighbors and fellow grandparents going this holiday alone to your house. Really, who listens to the radio these days anyway? Turn up the iTunes and rock around the Christmas tree.
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This is a second marriage for both my husband and I and we have had a difficult time trying to work ourselves into the holiday schedule of our combined total of 5 children and 13 grandchildren. Last year we celebrated Christmas in July! We rented a giant water slide and had a great time. We set up tents for the grandchildren and had a cook-out. But it still hurt when we heard that they spent Christmas with the "other" grandparents. We are human and our feelings do get hurt but we are trying really hard to get along and work things out. We are planning to repeat our Christmas in July celebration this year and have made reservations for a double giant slide so we can have the younger children slide down one side and the older children slide down the other side. Hopefully they won't collide in the pool.
We celebrate Thanksgiving the Sunday before to have our entire family here. stepchildren and in-laws who have other plans for the holiday. Because of this everyone comes here for Christmas.
What about the fact that our children spend more time with his parents than with us? How do we change that????? It's not just holidays; it's most of the time.
As a divorced parent now grandparent, I also have the visits to my ex that causes distress since I visit the grandchild religiously while he just waits for them to go to him. It's tough to not be hurt by it but I try.
As a parent of two grown children who are now parents themselves, I have never had Christmas, Thankgiving, Memorial Day, Fourth of July celebrations with my own family. It hurts because they go to their Days family ever since the divorce 30 years ago. Now I have grandchildren. Every thing stayes the same, except we make reservations at Williamsburg, Va and enjoy ourselves with other customs. Make your own Christmas. Its not life threatening. LMH in CT
Judy Harch
has been a freelance journalist for 27 years. She is also coauthor of the book Alzheimer Solutions: A Personal Guide for Caregivers (Lucid Press, 2002). Harch is a grandmother of four.
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