On a recent episode of NBC's prime-time family drama Parenthood, grandparents Zeek and Camille are babysitting six-year-old Sydney when Zeek warns her that if she doesn't eat her dinner, she won't be allowed to get up from the table.
From the look of shock and fury on Sydney's face, it's clear that she's never been given such an ultimatum before. The girl crosses her arms in defiance, and grandfather and granddaughter are locked in a standoff.
The next day, Sydney's mother, Julia, confronts her parents and accuses them of undermining her and squelching her daughter's spirit. To which Grandma Camille replies, "You can't let Sydney feel like she has all the power. That's backwards and it's not doing her any good." Julia actually seems to listen.
Now this is a prime-time TV show, not real life. Still, it got me thinking. Would I have been as hard on Sydney as Zeek was? Would I have dared to tell my son and daughter-in-law that I think their daughter has too much power — even if I believed it to be true?
The answers are no and maybe.
I grandparent pretty much the same way I parented. Which is to say I never made my son sit at the table for hours if he didn't eat his dinner — but I would deprive him of dessert. This is in line with how my son and his wife do things, so no conflict there.
Unlike my son, however, I did not offer my child multiple dinner options when he was young. I cooked what I cooked — taking his picky taste buds into account — and he ate it or went to sleep hungry. And though I try to do the same with my granddaughters, I must confess that there have been times when they've refused Dinner Option #1 and I've caved and moved on to Option #2 (or, God help me, #3). I am not proud of my lack of backbone, but this is what the parents do and, even though I disagree, so far I've followed their lead.
Still, there are times when I'd like to invoke a little gentle discipline, when I think the girls could benefit from learning to eat what is set before them on the table, as well as a few other things. I don't want to be Mean Nana, but I'm not crazy about being a pushover either. Like Camille, I don't think it's healthy when kids have too much power.
I decided to check in with my son, a devoted fan of Parenthood, for his take on the episode. "So what did you think when Camille said she thought Sydney shouldn't be running the show?" I asked. "Do you think it's okay for grandparents to speak up?"
I was impressed by his lack of defensiveness. "It's fine for grandparents to give their opinion," he replied, "just as long as it's presented as an opinion and not fact. And the parents have the right to take it or leave it. I think open dialogue is a good thing."
| Does television get grandparenting right? |
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Yes; shows like Parenthood are really close to life 0.0%
No; we could never live up those ideal characters 15.7%
No; grandparents on TV don't know what they're doing 5.5%
I don't know; I don't watch TV dramas 40.8%
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I'm down with that! "How about when Zeek made Sydney stay at the dinner table?" I asked next.
This brought a much stronger reaction from my son. "He definitely overstepped his bounds. Zeek should have followed the parents' rules and not started making up new ones. The discipline should be coming from the parents, period."
Really? "How about when the parents are out and the grandparents are in charge?" I prodded. "They're not always up on every last rule. Shouldn't they be able to set reasonable limits then?"
My son was adamant: "Grandparents should do only what needs to be done and not start changing things around."
I could see I wasn't getting anywhere on this one. I just hope the next time I make my granddaughters dinner and refuse to offer more than one option, they won't squeal on me like that kid in Parenthood.
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