"I say it from habit," admits Sharon, a grandmother from Ottawa, Canada. "I tell my grandchildren to eat their veggies…or they won’t get dessert." Sharon grew up in the 1950s hearing this line, and later made it the dinner-table standard for her daughter and son and their children. "If they protest," she says, "I usually backtrack a little and say they have to at least try them."
So far, the nudge to eat more — vegetables — has received no backlash from the parents. But, says Sharon, "my daughter did give me heck when she found out I was buying my granddaughter iced cappuccinos!"
Clear Your Plate or No Dessert
Sometimes, though, repeated urgings on the part of grandparents to eat more or clear the plate can ruffle parents' feathers if they feel their children are being forced to shovel food into their mouths after they've said they're full. We all know someone who does it. And, we know the automatic line-of-defense: "When I was your age, my parents made me eat everything on my plate, and it didn’t do me any harm!" In this way, some well-meaning grandparents can get a bad rap from parents for force-feeding the little ones.
Kids Know When They Are Full
Forcing kids to eat can make them feel their own physical instincts aren't important and keep them from listening to their bodies. "That old rule about eating everything on your plate is a no-no," says nutritionist Kate O'Keefe. "If allowed to follow their own instincts, children will stop eating when they are full."
Often, children are influenced by the adults around them. "If food is used as a reward, if they're forced to eat everything on their plate, or if food is always available, a child can develop poor eating habits that will continue into adulthood," says O'Keefe.
How It Happens
When parents hand their children over to you, it's often with a respectful "Now, listen to Grandma and Grandpa." This gives you a blank check for setting the safety, behavior, TV, bedtime, and eating rules. Sometimes those rules – or in this case, relationships to food – don't match those of the parents.
"People develop strong beliefs about food based upon their own upbringing," says O'Keefe. Cultural, religious and economic factors all play a part in how we relate to food, she says. "In many cultures, food is seen as a way to 'keep your strength up.' So it's only natural that a loving grandparent will want to provide plenty of food for their growing grandchildren." If your adult child's spouse was raised in a family environment different than the one in which you were raised, the relationship each of you has with food may not match up and a compromise may be required.
"If a food issue is important to the parents, I feel the parents should rule," says Dee Longenbaugh, a grandmother from Juneau, Alaska. "After all, I'm not raising the little tykes!"
Food in Times of Trouble
It may be the case that you were raised by parents who grew up during the Great Depression, a time when if a child didn't gobble up his share of food fast enough, a brother might finish it up for him. A time, too, when children ate what was provided. Or maybe your family struggled though unemployment or another financial setback that dictated a stricter dinner-table tone.
"The way you view food could go back to a time when it was hard to make ends meet or certain items were not readily available or a time when children weren't allowed to voice opinions or ask for too much," says Barbara Kapetanakes, Psy.D., a school psychologist in Westchester, New York.
Protecting or Pandering?
Indeed, a family's conflict with food may have as much to do with the types of food a child is expected to eat as it does with the quantity. It may be frustrating if, after slaving away all day baking your famous meatloaf for a family meal, your adult children — the parents — offer their children a substitute sandwich. Are the parents pandering to fussy kids? Or are they simply trying to make sure their child eats a healthy dinner? Food can be a focal point of family life, and such questions can be consuming. Avoid conflict by openly talking to your adult children about concerns you or they have and adapting preferences so that everyone can enjoy meals together.
Power Struggle
While dinner-table tiffs over food may be unpleasant, the chance they will lead to a grandchild's having serious food issues are slim to none. "It would take more than battles over dinners to cause an eating disorder, " says Kapetanakes. "Clinically significant eating disorders are multidetermined."
No, that's not the real problem here. Force-feeding is more indicative of a power struggle. Parents get miffed when they feel grandparents aren't respecting the food rules they set. And, you may think the grandkids are being mollycoddled at the table. Wh's caught smack-dab in the middle? The grandchild, who gets mixed messages.
Over-Eating: The Parents' Concern
While it may not lead to serious issues, force-feeding may lead to bad habits. Making kids eat is always a bad idea, says O'Keefe. "It can lay the groundwork for poor eating habits that include overeating if children lose that natural instinct we all have to recognize when they are full and stop eating."
Overeating, of course, can lead to obesity, currently a major health crisis in the U.S. The National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion reports that the prevalence of children ages 6 to 11 who are overweight has more than doubled in the past 20 years, from 7 percent in 1980 to 18.8 percent in 2004. And, the rate among teens ages 12 to 19 has more than tripled, increasing from 5 percent to 17.1 percent.
Childhood obesity is usually caused by kids eating too much and exercising too little reports the Mayo Clinic which encourages families to create new habits around eating healthy foods and being more physically active to help children maintain healthy body weights.
Healthy Change
One way to get – or stay! – on the parents' good side is to offer your grandchildren healthier snacks. Here are some easy, tasty ideas recommended by nutritionist Kate O'Keefe to get you started:
• Kids love noshing on easy-to-eat, bite-size chunks of fruit. Try apple slices or celery topped with peanut butter; a medley of melon balls, berries and pineapple chunks; or a mix of cubed peaches, pears and apples.
• Frozen grapes or frozen bananas-on-a-stick make a healthy, sweet treat.
• Offer yogurt or frozen yogurt with fruit instead of ice cream — a calcium boost without the fat.
• Kids love dipping! Serve hummus, bean dip, or salsa with whole-grain pita wedges.
• Popcorn scores big points — except for children younger than 3 years old, who may choke on the kernels.
• Bake sliced sweet potatoes tossed with a little olive oil and salt in the oven at 400 degrees until nicely toasted. Their natural sweetness appeals to kids, and they're loaded with beta-carotene, vitamins C and B6, and antioxidants.
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