Your grandchildren's parents need help. They both have to work full-time, even though they know that raising their children is their job, too. They can afford day care, but they're not sure if they can find a spot in a nearby, reliable day-care center. Also, day-care centers close too early to accommodate their work schedules, and they may be turned off by studies reporting that kids who grow up in day care are more prone to misbehave in elementary school. So they're planning to hire a nanny, even though they don't know if they can ever really trust a complete stranger to come into their home each day and watch their kids. As a grandparent, you have your own feelings about nannies, but you may also be considering a radical proposal: Taking on the job yourself. What's the best solution? No one model fits every family, but one of these might fit yours.
The Case for Nannies
Couples hire nannies because they have to work and need an extra pair of hands to help raise their children, says Lucy Kaylin, the executive editor of Marie Claire magazine and the author of The Perfect Stranger: The Truth About Mothers and Nannies (Bloomsbury, 2007). She has called hiring a nanny, as she did, "the trickiest, most controversial thing" some parents will ever do. But it's difficult in today's economy for most couples to survive on just one income, so a nanny becomes an expensive, yet practical solution. Nannies offer more flexible hours than a day-care center; they often cook or clean as well as watch the children; and their presence in the home makes it easy to schedule play dates or classes for the kids. There are no precise numbers — partly because many nannies are not legal U.S. residents, so their employment is not reported to the government — but Kaylin estimates that there are at least 1 million working nannies in the nation today.
The Case Against Nannies
“The case made against hiring a nanny is that, for some parents, trusting a stranger with this all-important job just feels like too much of a risk," Kaylin says. Even after conducting a thorough interview and reference-check of a nanny candidate, she asks, "How well will you ever really know this person, and how they would react in an emergency situation?” In an age where you can never be sure who you’re letting into your home, it makes sense to be safe rather than sorry, argue some critics. They add that many families, if they crunched the numbers, would discover that, after taxes, giving up one parent's salary is not so much more than the cost of having a nanny.
The Grandma-as-Nanny
For many couples, the perfect nanny is someone who has known their children all their lives and who can be trusted without reservation — grandma. According to the U.S. Census report, in 2002 grandparents cared for nearly 20 percent of preschoolers with working moms; in 1995, the figure was just 16 percent. Grandparents today are more likely to provide child-care than fathers, day-care centers, or nannies.
"I would be very upset and hurt if they felt they needed to hire a nanny instead of using Grandma,” says MaryEllen Baughman, 58, who was been a live-in nanny for her two granddaughters in Sparks, Nev. “Isn’t that what grandparents look forward to — watching the grandkids?"
If you're considering taking on the job of your grandchildren's nanny, there are some important issues to resolve up front, the first is whether or not you will get paid. There are some grandparents who refuse to accept pay for being a nanny — "My pay was being able to spend that much time with my little girls," Baughman says. But Beverly Roseberry, 67, a grandmother of three in Stockbridge, Ga., who has watched her oldest grandson during summers and school vacations for years, without pay, admits that the incidental costs can add up. “I enjoy taking him places and doing fun stuff with him, but it takes gas and ticket money," she says. "Plus, lunch and snacks are pricier since he is a growing boy.”
Even when grandparents do not accept pay for providing child-care, parents should cover the everyday costs of watching over the kids, Baughman says, such as groceries, lunch for both the kids and the grandparent, and money for any outings or activities. "And add some extras," she advises. "Surprise grandma with a day of pampering, and something special for grandpa, too. Use your imagination.”
Beyond the financial considerations, though, is the issue of who makes the rules when Grandma is the nanny, Kaylin says. "It is important that the grandparents, particularly if they are being paid for their services, respect the parents' wishes, values, and boundaries," she warns. "It is also important for the mother to give the grandparent a little latitude — appreciate that they have parenting experience and, quite possibly, real expertise to bring to the party. The relationship will run more smoothly if the grandparent isn’t micromanaged and second-guessed at every turn."
To join the debate over who sets the rules when grandparents babysit, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, learn how to convince your children that you're ready to babysit, find the emergency information parents must leave you before you babysit, and discover how to take care of your grandchildren in case of emergency.
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